


My Dear Sweet Nothing

by Twentythreefandoms



Series: My Dear Sweet Nothing [1]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Canon Divergence, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Infidelity, M/M, Missing Scenes, Set through Fifth Series, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2016-07-19
Packaged: 2018-03-25 01:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 23
Words: 43,564
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3791704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Twentythreefandoms/pseuds/Twentythreefandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur, Merlin and the Knights ride to Queen Annis’ kingdom for comfort and rest before riding to save the other knights from Morgana’s grasp. While during the dinner, Annis decides to entertain her guests by secretly providing an herb that reveals the true nature of everyone’s desires. Terrified that their previous relationship will be revealed, Merlin and Arthur retire to Arthur’s chambers where their desire for each other are once again relived. The rest of the series involves their relationship through the fifth series once they realize their love will never go away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Our Darkest Blackout

**Author's Note:**

> I have been dabbling with this story in the back of my mind for awhile, and I decided to go for it. This will be considered Missing Pieces from the original canon, mainly because I believe this to be canon for me. This series is without a beta so any mistakes are mine. The title is inspired by the song "Nothing Arrived" by Villagers. Please enjoy! All and any comments are welcome!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5x01, starting off at Queen Annis' Castle.

What technically sent Merlin over the edge was seeing Arthur’s dead body. Well, to be completely honest it was just a vision from a Druid seer, but the damage was done. He had seen Arthur near death too many times to count over their ten years together, but this particular sight took every single one of them and combined in one to rip Merlin’s being in half. It was the optical illusion of half of his soul dying.

He had been off after that, and Arthur, knowing Merlin more than just as his manservant, could detect something wasn’t quite right. Merlin knew he was being less subtle with Arthur than he should be, considering the fact they hadn’t been that close in years due to Arthur’s marriage with Gwen, but he couldn’t help it. He stared longer into Arthur’s blue eyes, he left his hands lingering on Arthur’s skin a fraction too long to be considered socially acceptable as they left the new burial sight and headed towards Queen Annis’ castle, but he needed that reassurance that his Arthur was still there. Still living.

In a physical sense, what sent Arthur over the edge was Queen Annis and her desire for entertainment. Something told the King of Camelot that the food around the table that had been consumed by everyone present tasted just a little odd, like the turkey was stuffed with too many spices, making his head cloudy and free of judgement. When no one was looking, the fuzzy feeling in Arthur’s head caused him to rise from the table and walk to Merlin who was around the corner, filling another jug of wine.

With his plate of spiced turkey and the rare fruits from far lands, Arthur wrapped a free hand around Merlin’s wrist in order to make his manservant look at him. When Merlin locked his eyes with Arthur, the two shared a silent moment of conversation, neither quite sure what they were attempting to say, but they reached a mutual agreement. The King picked up a portion of the meat and fed it to Merlin, the other man’s eyes never leaving Arthur’s as they shared another intimate moment.

Merlin’s features visibly softened as the unknown concoction of spices took effect on him, and every desire Merlin held for Arthur became known as they moved closer. Arthur lifted his hand to Merlin’s chin and pulled him into his personal space until Leon’s voice broke them apart from around the corner.

“My Lord?” Leon questioned before appeared, finding the two just separated, if not a little winded. “My Lord, Queen Annis would like to begin the entertainment.”

Arthur nodded curtly, wanting to look at Merlin but refusing the temptation, “Of course.” He left his plate and Merlin as he followed Leon back to the table, though it nearly pained him to leave Merlin’s side.

Once again in his seat next to Leon and Queen Annis, the Queen stood from her seat and opened her arms wide to her guests, “My friends, for tonight’s entertainment I thought I’d do a little experiment. While Arthur’s fool was pleasuring earlier,” Arthur grasped his goblet of wine in a tight grip at the memories of Merlin...pleasuring, “however, I wanted to add a little something extra to the table. Truly. Some of you might have noticed the different taste of the turkey tonight, and that is because I had my botanist add a rare herb. This herb, from what she says, will either help or hurt all of you. For this herb reveals from deep down your true love.”

Arthur, as well as many other guests at the table, choked on whatever substance was in their mouth and mild looks of panic and worry surrounded the table. However, Arthur paid no attention to anyone else. His eyes immediately locked with Merlin’s across the room who had the same troubled look. There was no need for a special herb to tell either Arthur or Merlin their true love; they already knew. That was the problem.

“As the night continues, the potency of the herb will continue to grow more intense, making it nearly impossible to be away from your loved one. So hopefully the men and women at this table have been more than faithful to their marriages! The effects will only last the night, so don’t worry too much.” A playful grin appeared from the Queen. “Regardless, tonight shall be a fun one.” Annis took her seat once again, a weak round of applause echoing the chambers from both the men and the women.

True to her word, the potency of the spices were beginning to take a stronger hold on Arthur as the night progressed, and it was visible on Merlin as well. With every passing moment Arthur could see Merlin moving closer and closer to him, his face strained like he was trying to control himself, but Arthur felt the invisible thread growing more powerful the longer they were away from each other. Around the table others began to act upon the herb, reaching across the tables and embracing others who were clearly not their spouse. Some were offended and upset, but mostly those at the table were too busy with others to care.

“Arthur, it appears you’re struggling.” Queen Annis observed with an amused tone.

Arthur smiled weakly, “And you’re not, I see.”

Annis’ smile faded and looked about her table, “When your true love dies so does your desire for anyone else.” For a moment Arthur forgot about the herb as an icy chill ran down his spine at the memory of his momentary cowardice against Annis’ husband and King, but she placed a hand on his, “But all is forgotten. Your Queen must be a lucky lady to have such a faithful husband.”

Guilt replaced fear as Arthur thought of his wife back in Camelot. He had been faithful for her the past three years to his marriage though it wasn’t what Merlin and Arthur wanted. Somewhere deep down they both knew who they truly belonged with, but there was a duty to their kingdom that both put before their hearts. How silly all of that seemed as Arthur gazed at Merlin, unable to think of a single reason why he’d want to be away from him in any sense.

“If you don’t mind your Highness, I think I will retire for the night. My men and I have a long day tomorrow.” Arthur told the Queen, standing up.

“You’ll leave me right as the fun is about to begin?” Annis questioned, motioning to the many men and women who were crowding the tables, clawing just to get to their true love.

Merlin appeared at Arthur’s side and against his better judgement Arthur placed a hand on Merlin’s wrist, “I’m afraid I must do some final touches on my plans for Ismere. I bid you a good night, my lady.”

Annis eyed where the two were connected and a smile tugged at her lips, “Indeed. Enjoy your night as well.” She motioned for the music to pick up as couples began to dance together merrily, but the two barely noticed as they made their way out of the dining hall and towards Arthur’s chambers. The desire to cling to Merlin nearly consumed him, but he forced himself to move forward with Merlin by his side. They were nearly there.


	2. I Don't Want to Love Somebody Else

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur face their destiny once again and realize there is no one else they would rather be with. Continuing episode 5x01.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Added treat for today! I don't think I'll post a chapter a day, but we'll see! I've been having problems with my wifi and this website, so hopefully that can be fixed soon! Again, this story is with a beta so any mistake is mine! With that said, enjoy!

Once inside Arthur’s chambers a sense of freedom coursed through Arthur as he realised the only things that truly mattered in the room: Merlin and the plush bed against the wide window looking out over the courtyard.

Instead of both jumping to the bed, Merlin crossed the room to light a fire where he decided to sit on a wooden bench. Unsure of his next move, the only thing Arthur could listen to was his body working with the spices and sat on the bed. Neither could move, but both were desperate for contact.

“Where did you learn to juggle?!” Arthur ended up saying to fill the air that was suffocating him, “Honestly, I didn’t even know you could catch…” Against his better judgement he began to tear off his clothes beginning with his shoes.

Merlin continued to sit by the fireplace, unable to move. “Yes… Well, I have many talents you fail to notice, that’s all…” Merlin replied stiffly.

Arthur wanted him so badly, and at this point the herbs were making it so it was tearing him apart to not be touching Merlin. But he knew something was bothering Merlin, and he had a hunch it had to do with Guinevere, because Arthur was feeling the same thing. It was so hard to feel this raw devotion for Merlin when he knew that he should feel it for his wife. “Come one, out with it. What’s wrong?” He asked. Perhaps if they talked about it they’d come to realise what they were feeling was a bad idea.

Merlin continued to stay silent, but he eventually turned to look at Arthur. The fire that flickered against his defined cheekbones stopped Arthur and caught him in a momentary frenzy. He wanted to sweep the spanse of the room and collect Merlin in his arms so that he could pay proper adulation to those cheekbones. “I’m not sure we should go to Ismere.” Merlin instead said to Arthur, shocking him slightly. After all this time Merlin was worried about Ismere and not Guinevere. He wasn’t sure why Merlin was so worried about another mission they were facing.

“Did you not here Annis? My men are alive--”

“You don’t know that.”

Despite their minor quarrel, Arthur continued to strip of his clothing, finally shucking off his boots. “Stick to juggling, Merlin. Leave the important things to me,” he sighed.

“But--”

Arthur huffed, “Here.” He tossed his shoes towards Merlin, almost like it was a statement to stay that he was in the midst of taking off his clothes as the boots smacked into Merlin and then proceeding to fall ungracefully to the floor. “See. Explain that.” He smiled softly.

Merlin joined him in a soft smile, seeming to get the hint. “Wish I could.”

Arthur eyed him and fell back against the bed, a clear invitation for Merlin to join him. He heard shuffling from the wooden bench and looked up to see Merlin at the foot of the bed. Sitting up, Arthur continued to watch as Merlin swept his features, his face indistinguishable, almost as if he was trying to commit it to memory.

With steady hands Merlin reached for the strings of Arthur’s tunic, the king never leaving Merlin’s eyes nor stopping Merlin. The heat under the touch of Merlin’s fingertips warmed his chilled body and he relaxed under the familiar notion of the man he loved removing his clothing. Now that the strings were untied, Merlin let his hands wander the expanse of Arthur’s open chest, his fingers tracing over scars Arthur had acquired, scars that Merlin had once payed so much attentiveness caring for. Without Merlin in his life Arthur would be in pieces.

Arthur rested his hands on Merlin’s hips, pulling him against his body as he placed his forehead against Merlin’s now-firm stomach, breathing in his scent. Three years ago Merlin was still young, soft, but now he had lost those soft curves and grew into his gangly limbs, truly resulting in a powerful stature. It was another downside to his distance from Merlin. He missed the transformation, not that he’s at all complaining about it.

Lips pressed against the crown of his head as Merlin curled around Arthur. His hands came up and enclosed around Arthur’s face, forcing him to look up at Merlin. They no longer held worry about Ismere, nor did Arthur worry about his duties back at home, they were merely Merlin and Arthur in a dark room, unwilling to be apart from each other.

Arthur fell against the bed and brought Merlin with him, who settled on top of Arthur, straddling over his hardening cock. Noses inches apart, the two simply held each other with their hands exploring each other’s body, trying to remember all the funny details that had been lost with time.

Growing weary of the many clothes between them, Arthur’s hands brought their way up Merlin’s tunic, making sure to bring the fabric with him and over Merlin’s head, bring the scarf with him. “Much better.” He breathed against Merlin’s cheekbone, pressing a fleeting kiss to the skin.

Merlin’s breath hitched against his ear and bit it, leaving a chill to run down Arthur’s spine. His efforts changed to pay more attention to Arthur’s neck, he realized, and shifted his neck to give Merlin room to explore. Wet kisses and seering teeth scoured over Arthur’s neck and chest, leaving spots that Arthur could not care less about. He wanted his whole body to be claimed by Merlin, so that everyone knew who he belonged to.

Arthur pulled Merlin up and brought their lips together, their bodies instantly responding to the change in tempo. The slight rub of Merlin’s scruff, the scent of nature and the electric current he could feel whenever he was with Merlin, it all came running back to Arthur. He wanted his whole universe to consist of all things Merlin. He couldn’t get enough of it.

Merlin pulled away just enough to catch each other’s breath, but it never stopped them from proceeding to undress in a hurry. After the initial fumble of clothes they resumed their positions with the freeing thrill of complete openness. Another kiss from Merlin brought them together, but Arthur could feel a wetness dropping on his cheeks. Arthur pulled away and felt the droplets, discovering they were coming from Merlin. “What’s wrong?” He asked, sitting up so that Merlin was still straddling him.

Merlin wound his arms around Arthur’s neck and pulled them close, Merlin placing soft kisses to Arthur’s temple, “Never leave me. Please, I-- I couldn’t live without you. I need you.”

Arthur wanted to immediately promise to Merlin that he would always be there for him, like he wanted to be, but in his position they both knew the dangers of being a brave king to a powerful kingdom. Anything could happen from now to ten years in the future. “I will do whatever I can in my power to stay with you. There’s nowhere else I would go.”

Merlin smiled down at him and pressed another kiss to Arthur’s lips, their tongues meeting in brief swipes. Arthur felt Merlin leave his lap in order to lay himself on the bed next to Arthur, spreading his legs and stroking his length casually. “Arthur.” He spoke, implication in his tone for Arthur to join him, to which Arthur gladly obliged, but not before he reached in the cupboard next to the bed and pulled out a small vial of oil.

Merlin stopped his stroking, “How’d you know that’d be there?” He questioned.

Arthur crowded between Merlin’s legs as he doused the oil around his fingers, “While it’s all good being an honorable king to the people, the royals do tend to know little secrets here and there. It’s always best to be prepared for our guests.” He smiled as he joined his hand with Merlin’s, their oiled hands stroking Merlin’s cock.

Merlin’s strong legs wrapped around Arthur’s waist and pulled him on top of Merlin, their cocks rubbing together, causing both of them to hiss at the sensation, “Fuck me.” Merlin groaned, arching his back as Arthur continued to stroke his cock.

Chuckling, Arthur took the vial and poured the remaining amounts of oil on his cock and Merlin’s hole, making sure to properly cover each. More kissing led to Arthur pressing his finger in Merlin’s hole, and after Merlin urged Arthur for more did he add another finger. He needed desperately to be inside Merlin, but preparing him was his first duty. Assuming Merlin hasn’t been with anyone else, it had been years since he had been filled. The thought of Merlin being with anyone else, though, brought on a whole new level of envy, causing the thrust of his fingers to quicken.

“Not that it matters,” he panted as he sucked a large spot just above Merlin’s clavicle, “But have you… with anyone else…”

Merlin had the gaul to laugh, “You’re an idiot if you think that. That I Would…” a gasp from Merlin as Arthur did a delicate twist of his wrist with Merlin’s cock in hand, “ever be with anyone else.”

The monster in his chest soothed, a satisfied Arthur took his fingers from Merlin’s hole and stroked his leaking cock a few more times before pressing the tip just inside the rim. Both men groaned at the sensation of Arthur sinking into Merlin but still needing to be closer. Their breathing matched in pace as Arthur’s thrusted all the way in to the base. This was it. This was his euphoria. Here with Merlin, this was all he needed.

Arthur took his time to glance down at Merlin who had his eyes closed in a smile that rivaled pure elation. “Faster,” Merlin breathed as he stroked his cock faster.

Arthur picked up his pace and thrusted in and out of Merlin, letting his senses overwhelm him to the point where he nearly lost himself in the feeling of just himself and Merlin. Their mouths met in a symphony of kisses as they continued their movements, gaining a fast rhythm of thrusts and strokes. The slow build-up of his orgasm was forming in his core, and he knew that soon he would be close. “I’m close…” He panted against Merlin’s shoulder. He had to bite down to keep from calling out, which caused Merlin to in turn call out Arthur’s name. It didn’t take long for Merlin to come after a few more thrusts, his come painting stripes on Arthur’s and Merlin’s chests.

The feeling of Merlin clenching around his cock sent him over the edge and he came inside Merlin, his eyes rolled back as he let out a guttural moan of pleasure, Merlin’s name slipping through his lips. The only sound to greet them was their collective pants as they curled around each other’s forms. The tugging sensation of the herbs had dulled substantially since they had left the dining hall, and all that was left was the feeling of completeness as he brought his mouth to Merlin’s.

“Did we just do that because of the herbs?” Merlin questioned, his fingers tracing where they were still connected in body.

Arthur looked down at Merlin, his face completely honest, “No. We did it because we love each other.”

“And where does that leave us?” The implication of the outside world began to creep in and it left them with the reality of it all. Arthur was still the king, a married king, and Merlin was still his manservant.

Arthur sighed and slipped out of Merlin before laying next to him. “We’ll figure it out. Let’s just go to sleep.” Arthur pulled Merlin close to him, their heads facing each other, noses touching. The king placed a final kiss to his servant’s lips before they accepted that the answer would have to wait until later. The effect of the herbs and their excursion left them exhausted, and for now it was better to cling to the world they wanted desperately to live in. The outside world could wait until the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please leave a comment on where this story is going! Any feedback is beneficial!


	3. Please, Slow it Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, and two different conclusions have been drawn. What will Merlin and Arthur decide? Continuing 5x01 and ending 5x02.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry this is late!! My internet has been a disaster, but it should be working now! Thank you for still sticking with the story! A dabble of Merthur, and a shot of Merwaine to end the chapter! The title of this chapter comes from the song "White Daisy Passing" by Rocky Votolato. Enjoy!

A warm mouth encompassed Merlin’s neck, pressing tender kisses to its reddened skin with hands roaming over his lanky body. A tired groan escaped Merlin’s lips and he curled away from the touch. It had to have been a dream. “Get off.” He grumbled, shoving his face into the massive pillow. He wasn’t in the mood to have another one of those dreams this morning.

Merlin heard a throaty chuckle and the presence of the body left him, leaving Merlin feeling even more grumpy, “Merlin,” Arthur urged, his body curling around Merlin’s as the sucking on his neck grew more persistent.

Even if he wanted to, Merlin couldn’t refuse the attentive workings the king was paying to his body. Oh, how he’d miss mornings like these. Merlin sighed and melted into Arthur, enjoying the soft sounds coming from Arthur’s excursions.

“We’ll always be like this, won’t we?” he breathed, his hand running through Arthur’s locks.

Arthur’s mouth left his neck as the blond peered over Merlin, his eyes sad, “No, we won’t.”

Merlin’s heart jumped, “Why can’t we? Like you said… we love each other.”

Arthur’s face changed to a pained expression and he clutched to his side as he fell on top of Merlin. Terrified, Merlin pushed Arthur off of him to find a pool of blood scattered over the contours of his chest. Arthur’s blood. The king clutched to his wound right under his heart and he gasped at the pain. He fell against the bed, his movements slowing.

“No… _NO_!” _ARTHUR_!” He screamed, feeling hopeless as the stab in his side continued to run blood. He looked up to find the dark haired boy from the vision the day before standing at the foot of the bed, his eyes sure and hard.

“Soon, Emrys.”

***

The dream caused Merlin to wake, the sound of swords clashing and men screaming greeting his ears. He sat up hurriedly in the empty bed and blinked away the sleep that was still trying to cling to his body. It was then that Merlin surveyed out the window to find the source of the noise. Quickly leaving the bed, caring little for his state of undress, the sorcerer made his way to the window and saw what appeared to be some form of knight’s training. It was then that he forgot that he was in Annis’ land, and in her castle. And… In Arthur’s bed. Naked.

Merlin whipped around and stared at the bed, trying to remember everything from last night. There was the dinner, him juggling, Annis saying something about entertainment… A shocked gasp escaped Merlin as everything started coming back to him. A full-length mirror hung across the room and Merlin walked cautiously until he reached it. Before him stood Merlin, but it couldn’t have look less like him. The man standing before him looked… happy, in its purest form.

The dream fading into the back of his conscious state he decided to remember the night before. Their reunion has nothing new to Merlin. The feel of Arthur’s body inside him ghosted Merlin’s joints that felt the tug of that perfect ache. The physical proof of Arthur’s care was scattered across Merlin’s body, dark spots the shape of Arthur’s mouth finding their way to cover him. He wanted to walk out just the way he was, to show the world how proud and in love he was.

The thought of the night before left only a flutter of joy in Merlin, though he knew he should feel remorse. They had betrayed Guinevere. He tried to regret what they had done, but there simply wasn’t a part of him that could do it. Not after he had seen his vision. Before a time when he saw the death to the love of his life, he would have felt that pang of sadness that seemed to be an ever present friend to him lately. But he had Arthur now, and though he would do everything in his power to try and prevent that day from ever happening, he was not going to prevent himself from spending every moment with him. Like their relationship before. They have true love, it was proven last night. Why deny it?

To his left the door to the chambers opened, and Arthur strolled in the room, his chainmail suspiciously tucked high against his neck. As Arthur looked at the bed a curious expression appeared on his face before confusion changed it.

“Arthur.” Merlin called out softly, his hand resting on the spot next to his heart.

The king looked to his left and looked relieved when he saw Merlin, “There you are.” When he realized that Merlin was still naked Arthur stopped and stared momentarily, “You’re… not dressed.”

Merlin blushed and smiled, “I was just admiring your work.” He walked away from the mirror to Arthur who stood frozen in place. Merlin wrapped an arm around Arthur’s neck and pulled him into a kiss, but Merlin stopped when he felt Arthur’s unresponsive state. “What’s wrong?”

Arthur’s face looked truly pained, but different from the kind in his dream. This time it wasn’t external. “Let’s get you dressed. We should talk.”

The silence that followed while Merlin dressed haunted him, the unknown hanging over him while every insecurity threatened to become a reality as Arthur sat silently at the table, watching Merlin. Trembling fingers attempting to tie the scarf around Merlin’s neck, finding it more of a noose than anything else, and failing to grasp the strings to finish it.

“Here,” Arthur said, coming to walk in front of Merlin and tying the knot, his features cracking and his fingers betraying him as he traced a mark he made right under the scarf. Merlin refused to move.

“Can we sit?” He asked, motioning to the seat.

Merlin nodded and sat at the table and waited until Arthur sat as well, “What is it?” He asked.

“Last night, Merlin… it was…”

“It was a long time coming.”

Arthur barely repressed a smile, “Yes, it was. But we were foolish to indulge ourselves.”

Merlin furrowed his eyebrows, “What happened? Last night you said yourself that we love each other…”

Arthur placed a hand on Merlin’s, “And I still mean that. I do.”

“Then _why?_ ”

Arthur shifted in his seat, “Nothing has changed. We’re still the same people that had to stop three years ago.”

Merlin desperately wanted to object that statement.

“There’s a bigger world than just between you and me. I want to believe that it can just be the two of us, and we can live our lives according to that, but there are other people and other things at work. I… I made vows to Guinevere and to Camelot. I can’t let my heart get in the way.”

Merlin breathed in and out, trying to wrap his head around Arthur’s words. Before yesterday he would have agreed with Arthur, it was why they stopped their relationship before, but seeing Arthur die twice made him realize he couldn’t be without Arthur. Forget the freedom of magic, forget gaining gratitude from the man he loves, he simply wants Arthur alive.

“Of course.” He spoke, pulling his hand away from Arthur’s. Vision or no vision, Arthur was right. This world wasn’t designed for them that way, despite the fact they were two sides to the same coin. Although Merlin dared not admit it, he knew it was the right thing to do. “I should get you breakfast.” He said, standing from his seat.

“Merlin… you understand if I was anyone else…”

“You wouldn’t be a royal prat then, would you?” Merlin quipped, a hint of a smile ghosting a lips. “I’ll be back with your breakfast.” He held himself together just long enough to exit the chambers before he allowed his emotions to get the better of him. From this point on he vowed that though he may not be the king’s consort, he would be the king’s protector, doing anything to secure Arthur’s safety.

***

All Merlin could remember was that he was in a dark cave after he learned Arthur’s Bane. There were faint glimmers of memories, like being trapped in a net with Arthur and _not_ giving into temptation, and then the two escaping from Mordred to sneak into Morgana’s lair by way of tunnel, but other than that he remembered little. The feel of the cold rocks greeted Merlin’s senses first, a particularly sharp rock pressing roughly against his shoulder blade, but the sound of another’s voice took him away from it.

“Merlin!... _Merlin_!?”

The sorcerer slowly opened his eyes to see two brown ones staring worriedly back at him. “Gwaine…?” He asked, his head unrelentlessly dizzy from hitting his head. “What happened?”

“It must have been Morgana. I think that kid stabbed her, but she must have escaped. A trail of blood leads out of here, but I found you. Are you alright?”

Merlin sat up and winced, grabbing his head, “Yeah, I’ll be fine. Thanks, Gwaine.” The knight helped Merlin to his feet but kept a sturdy arm around his waist to prevent him from falling.

"No problem," he grinned good naturedly, "I'll have to let you buy us each a pint when we get back to Camelot to fix that head of yours!"

Merlin chuckled, "Never change, Gwaine."

The two walked through the dark caves in silence with Merlin desperately trying to stop the world around him from spinning, already craving a pint or two.

“Hey, Merlin?” Gwaine asked tentatively.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“I was talking with Elyan about your stay at Queen Annis’ castle…”

“Uh-huh…”

“Well, he told me that she gave you guys something to make you guys go crazy... Did it ever...”

With the thought of Arthur and him, it caused Merlin to realize the moments right before Merlin went unconscious, with Arthur trying to warn Merlin to get away. “Where’s Arthur??” Merlin interrupted, everything coming into more focus.

“Percival and the other knights took him away. He’d been stabbed a couple times…”

“I have to see him.” Merlin pulled away from Gwaine’s grasp and wobbled slightly before leaving Gwaine to find Arthur.

It wasn’t until Merlin turned the corner of the tunnels that Gwaine nodded to himself, defeated, “Yeah, of course it did.”


	4. Everything Looks Perfect from Far Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is revealed that Arthur talked with Leon the morning of Merlin and Arthur's affair, though this time Arthur's decision about Merlin changes. In hopes of rekindling his relationship, Arthur takes Merlin for a hunting trip. Set before the first scene in 5x03.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Such Great Heights" by Iron and Wine.

A slow burn of guilt and desperate longing burned within Arthur that continued in the months after what he called “the incident.” While the king knew in his heart that night was not a mistake, but rather the product of neglect and improper closure from years previous. Before “the incident” Merlin and Arthur were able to willfully ignore the ache to be together, and while that ache never subsided, time made it easier to forget. But like an addict to his ale, one sip brought him straight back to the beginning, almost like those three years were for nothing.

That was the key factor that made Arthur the angriest as he sat at the table in his chambers, playing with his choice meats and cheeses brought to him by Merlin an hour before. The sight of Merlin always managed to captivate him, but now he clung to the memory of that night, and how it caused him to betray his oath to Guinevere.

Three precise knocks to his doors caused Arthur to tear away from his breakfast, answering, “Come in.” He knew for certain it wasn’t Merlin, he wouldn’t have knocked even at this stage of their “relationship”, and Guinevere’s knocks were much softer, kinder. This had to be business related.

The wooden doors open to reveal Sir Leon entering Arthur’s chambers, carrying parchments of paper. “Leon.” Arthur greeted, setting aside the food. He hadn’t properly spoken with Leon since their northern conquest, where Leon gave him advice about his situation with Merlin.

“My Lord.” Leon returned with a quick nod and a smile before setting the papers in front of the king. “These are the new patrol stations you had requested and ready for your approval.”

“Very good.” Arthur replied, surveying the parchments before him and marking areas he felt needed improvement. “Take these and have them updated for me, Leon.”

“Of course.” Leon replied, taking the parchments and making to leave the chambers.

“I told him.” Arthur replied softly, knowing Leon’s curiosity was most likely peaking.

Leon stopped and turned to Arthur, “Merlin?”

Arthur nodded, “He was upset with me, but in the end you were right. It was the honorable thing to do.”

Leon made a face, maybe seeing the distraught look on the king’s face, “Sire, whatever I said to you that morning was merely my advice. You looked like you were in need of council, and as your knight and friend I felt it necessary to speak with you.”

“You’ve always been my closest council, Leon, and I thank you.” Arthur fiddled with the ring on his index finger, “That morning I had to make a decision that still lingers with me, and I don’t even know if I made the right one. The Heart or the Crown.”

“Whatever the outcome, Sire, you know I will always be there for you. But for the sake of Guinevere, your Queen, I believe it right to forsake any feelings that may linger in your heart for Merlin. Or, if you find it too much to overcome, at least keep it very close to you. Camelot needs a strong leader in the sake of this war against Morgana. The people need a strong king, one without scandal. Though, whatever you need from me I will give. You know that.”

“Thank you, Leon.” Arthur replied, his brain muddled with the many decisions he needed to face. His heart told him Merlin, because Merlin was where his heart belonged. But his brain told him to deny his feelings like before and rule as the king he should be. He remembered clearly the words that Merlin had said to him three years ago when they first met Mithian, that he needed to do what his heart told him to do. Their breakup had been so fresh at that point, and to hear the words from Merlin’s mouth made Arthur want to vomit. Because they both knew what his heart was telling him to do. It was now just taking him three years stop depriving himself. “I may need your help…”

***

With his mind made up, Arthur thought the best way to spend some private time with Merlin would be a “hunting trip” for the two of them. It was a tactic they had used countless times before, surely Merlin would get the hint. “I thought the two of us could go on a hunting trip tomorrow.” Arthur told Merlin as his dinner was being presented to him.

Merlin raised his eyebrows, “Did you want me to have the knights prepare for tomorrow as well?”

Arthur huffed, “Unless I was not aware, I believe that two consists of me and one other person. I would like that person to be you, Merlin, or do I have to be worried for my safety.”

Merlin rolled his eyes, “Well I’ve kept you alive for this long…”

A short laugh escaped from Arthur’s lips, “Right! And I should expect the cook helped as well?”

“I--”

“ _Mer_ lin…” Arthur protested, putting his hand on Merlin’s for the briefest moment, effectively silencing his manservant, “You and me. Tomorrow morning.” and with that Arthur dove into his meal, wanting to smile at the look of stupor on Merlin’s face, but pulling through until Merlin excused himself from his chambers.

That will be the last time that happens. Arthur thought with a grin on his face. Starting tomorrow they will be together again.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. As the trip progressed, and while they stopped by a stream for a break to fill up their canteens, Arthur decided to make his move. He closed in on Merlin from behind, the sight of the sunshine hitting the other’s cheekbones and the light reflecting his light blue eyes mesmerizing him to move without conscience. Arthur placed his hand on Merlin’s waist and gently murmured his name, causing Merlin to twist around in shock. His eyes were confused as they looked into Arthur’s who was sure of himself. He moved in for the kiss but Merlin backed up, tripped on a root of a tree, and eventually fell into the stream.

Arthur stood shocked as he watched Merlin flounder in the water before surfacing, his eyes wide and round, the two staring wordlessly at each other.

“What was that?” Merlin spluttered as he trudged his way back to land, his whole body sopping and his black hair clinging to his head, effectively showing off his ears. Arthur would have laughed at the sight if he wasn’t so busy trying not to throw himself and disappear in the river. Forever.

“I just--” It was Arthur’s turn to splutter.

“ _What_?” Merlin replied, a slight blush on his cheeks but anger and confusion written in the crevices of his features. “You told me that we couldn’t be like this.” He motioned from himself to Arthur. “Didn’t you? Or am I just an idiot.”

“No--”

“Then _why_ are you doing this to me?” Merlin stormed off, the sound of his clothes sloshing against his skin making it clear he was heading back to their camp.

“At least change your clothes, Merlin! You’ll get sick with as cold as it is!” Arthur called, attempting to follow Merlin, but a resounding, “ _NO_.” quickly followed, stopping Arthur in his tracks. He would come back later.

***

After a few hours of the quiet nature surrounding him, Arthur returned to their camp with a few rabbits for dinner with the sounds of sneezing accompanying him. “Merlin?” He asked, surveying the campsite to find Merlin huddled in his wet clothes in front of a makeshift fire with one of Arthur’s blankets wrapped tightly around him. The sight itself was heartwarming but the daggers coming from Merlin’s blue eyes were not altogether surprising.

“You’re an ass.” Merlin grumbled, another sneeze.

“I brought dinner…” Arthur reasoned, sitting across the fire from Merlin who never took his eyes off Arthur. “...which I will be cooking.” he finished.

Merlin shifted, satisfied, into Arthur’s blanket and watched him while Arthur prepared the rabbits, “Was this the reason for the trip? So that we could…?”

Arthur looked up from the skinned rabbits shyly, noticing Merlin’s eyes weren’t as angry as before, mainly curious. “I asked Leon to hold the council meetings for the next two days so that we could have this time.”

Merlin settled lower in the blanket, “This isn’t fair. For either of us. We can’t go back and forth. I won’t let myself do that.”

“And you know I don’t like it either.” Arthur replied, glad that they were beginning to finally have a conversation. Perhaps a conversation would have been a better route to take, but Arthur’s always been spontaneous. “But the world is too big for just the two of us. We have others to think about. A kingdom, the knights…”

“...Guinevere.”

Arthur swallowed and nodded, that guilt never ceasing to go away. “Yes, Guinevere, too. We made a promise to her that we wouldn’t betray her.”

“So what has changed since that morning? You said nothing had changed.” Merlin asked.

“I don’t know anymore. Maybe nothing has changed.” Arthur replied honestly, “But that night at Annis’, something happened for us, and since then I can’t remember why I ever let you go that morning.”

“Do you mean that? Really?”

“I do. I don’t know what it is about you, Merlin, but I still can’t figure you out, let alone what we are.”

Merlin laughed, “Is that the clearest answer you can give me?”

Arthur grinned, “I’m afraid so.”

“Let’s think about it overnight, and tomorrow we’ll return to Camelot after you hunt so you don’t come back empty handed, where we can talk further.”

While it wasn’t a yes, it certainly wasn’t a no, and Arthur accepted it. This wasn’t a small concept they were discussing. They were potentially going to start an affair against Arthur’s wife and the kingdom of Camelot. Merlin was right, they needed to think things through.

“But you can kiss me, if you want.” Merlin added, the blush returning to his cheeks before he sneezed twice.

Arthur laughed as he put their dinner on the fire to cook, “As tempting as you are, Merlin, I think I’ll wait until tomorrow. I guess you should have listened to me.” Arthur smirked at the ball that was Merlin.

“Oh you _ASS_!” Merlin huffed, glaring at him while trying to hold back a grin.

Arthur grinned, getting up from the fire and placing a soft kiss at Merlin’s temple before getting the salts for the meat. Tomorrow they would be together again.


	5. At the Heart of Camelot

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 5x03 - Arthur is afraid for Merlin's safety after it is revealed that Uther is once again roaming the halls of Camelot.

Uther once again lurked in the halls of Camelot, leaving Merlin and Arthur to hide their feelings from him like they did when he was alive. It wasn’t long after Arthur’s trip into the spirit world to speak with his father did he realize that Uther had the ability to see the occurrences of the mortal world from beyond death. Arthur’s marriage to Gwen only solidified that not only was Uther upset about Arthur’s rulings, but the people he associated himself with. Arthur could barely think what he’d do to Merlin if Uther saw who truly owned his heart. If there was anything good to come out of the three years apart from Merlin after Uther’s death it was this. Merlin was safe. For now.

His beliefs weren’t confirmed until Merlin stormed into his chambers the night after his journey to the spirit world, saying that Gwen had been found in a burning room. There had been sign of foul play from the nail marks left by Gwen and yet no proof that there was ever anything there to attack her. Merlin had been right all along, it was Uther’s ghost. Which meant that there was a possibility Uther had seen their intimate night months ago in Annis’ kingdom or the short exchange days previous. His father never mentioned Merlin at all, but it was only going to be a matter of time before something will tip his father off. Even alive the king was always a little sceptical about his son’s… preferences.

Merlin and Arthur made their way to Merlin and Gaius’ chambers, Arthur forming a quick plan to keep anyone else he cared about safe. Uther bought the love story with Gwen, he had to keep it that way. “Whatever I may say later, you know my true feelings, right?” He asked, eyeing Merlin through his peripherals.

Merlin quizzically side-glanced the king, most likely trying to figure out his plan, but he never questioned him. It was more than obvious where Arthur’s true feelings lied. “Right.” Merlin risked a short grasp of Arthur’s hand before they entered Gaius’ physician room, looking for the Queen.

***

Arthur awoke on the stone floor of the throne room, his head sticky from the blood that streamed from his skull. This injury was nothing new, he had gotten this injury from many battles, but this time it came from his father, his dead father. Slowly, Arthur pulled himself into a sitting position and noticed one of the heavier benches that used to align the walls of the throne room sitting on its side, skid marks from the ornate wood running along the stone. It didn’t take a genius to realize that magic was involved, and his father had been there, and he was attacking someone other than Arthur.

A couple rooms over there was a sound of something heavy thudding, causing Arthur to fumble for the Horn of Cathbhadh and most importantly find Merlin and keep him safe from his father. If anything happened to Merlin because of Arthur he’d never forgive himself.

Arthur made his way out of the throne room and tried to follow the sounds he could hear, discovering the source to be in the armory. The sight before him stopped him in his tracks, momentarily stunned. Merlin, his Merlin, was trapped by two poles holding him against the knight’s cloaks with Uther quickly making his way towards him, “It’ll give me great pleasure killing you.” He heard his father say to a terrified Merlin.

No, he knows about us. Arthur concluded, running into the room to save Merlin. “Father!” He called, trying to distract the spirit of his father. He held the Horn high above his head, indicating his choice. It didn’t matter if Uther know now, he was no longer going to hurt the people he loved.

“Arthur… No, please.” the spirit breathed, distracted from his previous target to look at his son. “Whatever I have done, I have done for Camelot.”

The current king broke his gaze from Uther to Merlin, his face pained and scared, and it confirmed all that Arthur believed. He was going to trap Uther back into the spirit world, and then himself and Merlin would be free from his tyranny. “You’ve had your turn to rule. Now it’s mine.”

Tears threatened to leak from his eyes as he pressed the horn to his lips, disregarding whatever his father was about to say about Merlin. It wasn’t anything that Merlin wouldn’t have already told him, it did not matter. His father disappeared into the night, leaving Merlin and Arthur to catch their breaths, tears threatening to spill from both their eyes. Arthur found himself walking without thought towards Merlin who remained pinned to the Pendragon cloaks. The king crowded Merlin’s space, embracing him against his body, wracked with emotion as Merlin whispered encouraging words to Arthur.

Pulling back slightly, Arthur pressed his lips to Merlin’s before whispering against his mouth, “You told me never to leave you. The deal goes both ways.” He grinned, kissing Merlin again, reaching down and grabbing Merlin’s side.

“Ah!” Merlin cried, his face twisted in pain.

“What?” Arthur asked, panicked.

“I think the pole hit me.” Merlin gasped.

Looking down, Arthur removed what he could of Merlin’s jacket, only to realize that Merlin was right. Though it wasn’t digging deep into his skin, the spear indeed had pierced Merlin’s side. “It did.” Arthur replied, thinking desperately on how to free Merlin. He attempted to pull the spears out from the wall, but his father’s magic was powerful and wedged them too far in to pull out by hand.

Eyeing an axe, Arthur picked it up and weighed the options before looking at Merlin, his eyes questioning.

“Now way!” Merlin glared despite his pain. “There’s no way I’m letting you get swing happy and swipe at me. I’ll stay here, thanks.”

“Can you please stop being a drama queen, _Mer_ lin?” Arthur asked. “I’m just going to do it enough so that I can pull you out, with as little scraping as possible.”

Merlin sighed, “Always a violent axe with you, isn’t it?”

Arthur chuckled, “It’s a redeeming quality about me.” He held the axe up slightly and still noticed Merlin’s hesitancy, “Trust me?”

Merlin huffed, “Idiot.”

Merlin closed his eyes and held his hands up as Arthur went to stand parallel to the spear that was piercing Merlin. He took a moment to stare at Merlin’s features before swinging the axe and breaking the wood less than a foot from Merlin’s body.

Merlin’s breath hitched at the sensation of the spear moving against his wound and peeped an eye open, noticing Arthur’s job. He sagged slightly, panting, “I think you opened the wound.” he hissed as he attempted to move his position.

Arthur dropped the axe and grabbed Merlin’s arms, the other man mirroring his motion as they worked together to get Merlin free. After several attempts to pull, the two were able to get Merlin free from the spears, though his jacket and tunic were ruined. “Let’s get this cleaned up in my chambers.” Arthur said, pulling Merlin’s arm over his shoulder, tugging Merlin along.

They arrived in Arthur’s chambers, the left side of Merlin’s blue tunic soaked in purple as Arthur laid Merlin on his bed and leaving momentarily to return with his own makeshift medicine bag, one that Merlin suggested he keep for emergencies. He was glad that he listened to him. He helped remove Merlin’s jacket and tunic, leaving Arthur to properly view Merlin’s wound (if not sidetracking to view Merlin’s physique for a slight moment).

“I’m not quite sure how to do this,” Arthur admitted once he regained his focus, regarding the supplies with confusion. He knew he had to keep pressure on the wound and it had to be wrapped, but in order to escape an infection he was left nonplussed.

As it normally was, Merlin guided Arthur through each step of the way, instructing him on which medicine to use before Arthur was able to wrap around Merlin’s torso with a wrap. “There.” Arthur smiled, proud of his work.

The king helped Merlin lie on the bed, the dark-haired man returning a smile, “We make a good team.” Arthur’s emotions were indecipherable as he played with the wrap on Merlin’s bare torso. Leaning down to kiss the skin beneath his belly button, Merlin’s fingers traced their way through Arthur’s hair, “Arthur.” He spoke softly, the way he spoke his king’s name sending desire through every vein in Arthur’s body.

Arthur took the skin above Merlin’s trousers and bit it softly before swirling the skin with his tongue, “Yes?” he questioned, moving south and mouthing at the hardening bulge that Arthur loved so much.

“I don’t think Gaius would approve of this kind of activity so soon after an injury…” Merlin gasped, his fingers tightening on Arthur’s hair.

Arthur pulled up, exasperated, “Can you not mention Gaius as I’m about to…” He motioned towards Merlin’s hardened length. “It ruins the romance.”

Merlin laughed, “Because it was romantic before.”

“Shut up, _Mer_ lin.” Arthur replied as he effectively pulled Merlin’s trousers off with one swipe and took Merlin’s cock into his mouth.

Merlin stopped complaining.


	6. You Picked Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin and Arthur can only be with each other. Nothing else matters. Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY! I know I haven't been able to post in a couple weeks! So, in order to make it up to you I decided to give you a whole lot of smut with our favorite king and sorcerer. Hopefully this makes up for it slightly. ;) Chapter title comes from the song "You Picked Me" by A Fine Frenzy.

“Stay with me tonight?” Arthur asked Merlin, wrapping his arms around his manservant and pulling him flush against his body. This was his favorite place to be, in his chambers with the man he loved, where they could be exactly what they wanted to be. He knew that the question was redundant, that Merlin more times than not stayed in the king’s bed over the course of the three months since they restarted their relationship.

The first few weeks brought caution and hesitancy, still worried about talking walls and most importantly saving Gwen from heartbreak. However, caution turned into their new routine, making sure that Gwen returned to the Queen’s chambers after her dinner with Arthur. The two had discussed and eventually agreed that it’d be best to save Gwen the truth, knowing the outcome wouldn’t be favorable for her, but if the moment comes when they would tell her, it would be open and honest. It only bothered Arthur that it had been this long so far and she hadn’t figured out. He knew Leon knew the truth and therefore aided in whatever privacy the king needed, but it still lingered in the back of Arthur’s conscience.

Merlin, who was holding Arthur’s folding laundry, leaned against Arthur’s form completely and tilted his head against the king’s neck, “Like you need to ask anymore.” He grinned against the warm skin. “But Gwen did just leave from dinner. It’s a bit early, isn’t it?”

“We’ve been this careful. She’s never come back once she leaves, tonight won’t be any different.” Arthur countered, pressing a soft kiss to Merlin’s temple. “Besides, everyone knows that the risk of getting caught makes things hotter.” Arthur brought a hand up through Merlin’s hair and pulled it in order to give access to his servant’s neck, effectively sucking the porcelain skin.

Merlin’s breath shuddered, the feel of his skin contracting under Arthur’s teeth and tongue urging him forward. “I guess we’ll have to try that theory…” Merlin breathed, dropping Arthur’s laundry as his hand came up to entwine his fingers with Arthur’s in his dark hair and then proceeded to grind his bum against Arthur’s front. A groan escaped from Arthur which caused him to clench down harder on Merlin’s neck, a light bruise now forming on his skin which Arthur always secretly craved to do.

Merlin twisted to face Arthur and brought their lips together for a searing kiss. It was all tongues and teeth, and it was glorious to the king. The slow and emotional moments between himself and Merlin made their relationship stronger, but getting hot and dirty were the most favored for Arthur. Merlin pulled roughly on Arthur’s hair as Arthur gripped Merlin’s waist like a vice, passion seeping through their fingers as they collided against the wooden table used for Gwen and Arthur’s dinners.

Unable to wait any longer, Arthur picked Merlin up and sat him on the table as the two proceeded to rip the other’s clothes off. Finally freed of their clothing, Arthur aligned himself against Merlin’s body and the two began to rut together, their erections sliding in perfect harmony against the other.

“Fuck,” Arthur gritted, reaching to grab their cocks and begin to stroke firmly, adding a twist with his wrist that always drove Merlin crazy.

A guttural moan escaped Merlin’s mouth which was left open in transparent ecstasy, his head tilted back which gave Arthur the exposure for him to plant another beautiful mark on Merlin’s skin. “So perfect.” Arthur licked into Merlin’s skin, placing another bit mark below his ear. “I can’t get enough of you. Need to be in you so badly.”

“Yes,” Merlin breathed, thrusting into Arthur’s hand. “Arthur… need you.” A gasp emitted from Merlin as Arthur drew away from Merlin’s body in order to get the vial of oil from beside his bed.

Arthur generously coated his cock with the slippery substance and then finished the jar on his fingers. “Lie back.” Arthur told Merlin, but his manservant had other ideas. Merlin instead slid off the table only to bend over it, his bum swaying invitingly towards his king.

Arthur couldn’t resist any longer, he rejoined Merlin, immediately forming his body against his manservant’s as his finger found its way inside Merlin’s hole. Arthur thrusted his finger in Merlin before adding a second without preamble, leaving Merlin a hot mess underneath him. “Arthur,” Merlin whined, displaying how much he needed Arthur.

“Almost there,” Arthur replied, wanting nothing more than to abandon all thought and fuck Merlin senselessly, but they’ve done that before with adverse results, causing Arthur to feel guilty for causing any type of harm on Merlin. He was going to take care of Merlin, even though they were playing it rough tonight.  

A few more moments of thrusting his fingers in Merlin left Arthur satisfied that Merlin was truly ready, and he couldn’t have been more anxious to be one with Merlin. The feeling of being inside Merlin, knowing that with Merlin was where he truly belonged left the greatest sensation of completeness he could figure. He gave his cock a few more strokes, letting the oil and precum coat his member before sliding into Merlin, the two letting out their own moans of satisfaction.

Arthur made his way into Merlin, but Merlin grew impatient and slammed himself against Arthur, causing Arthur’s cock to enter him fully. Arthur chuckled, getting the hint and thrusting faster, “Anxious tonight?” he panted, grabbing Merlin’s waist with his hands and slamming effectively into Merlin again.

Deciding to one up Merlin, Arthur grabbed Merlin’s left leg and hoisted it onto the table and changed directions of his thrusting, causing Merlin to let out a sound of approval before moaning loudly with every thrust. Arthur could feel his completion nearing with every drive into Merlin, his thrusts becoming sloppier which only seemed to drive them forward, losing all abandon of elegance and simply acting out every animalistic wish they had.

Merlin began to stroke his cock in time with Arthur pounding into his hole, and the sight of the man he loved pleasuring himself as he was filled with Arthur’s cock sent the king over the edge, filling Merlin’s hole with his spend with Merlin’s name on his lips. It wasn’t long until Merlin came with a loud moan as well, collapsing against the table, pliant as Arthur finished his orgasmic ride. Their breaths coincided as they separated, Arthur falling into an open chair and panting as he wiped the sweat away from his matted hair.

Merlin, sated, climbed on the table and collapsed on his back. He turned to Arthur, a smile splayed on his face as his breath calmed. All Arthur could do was stare with fixation at the man before him; his broadened chest rising and falling, his dark hair wild and sweaty as Arthur’s was. He was magnificent. Merlin reached out and entwined his fingers with Arthur’s, saying nothing as they stared at each other, conveying their feelings through touch.

“Tired?” Arthur asked eventually, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s entwined hand.

Merlin chuckled as he sat up and faced Arthur, his legs placed in between Arthur’s, “In what way, my lord?” He asked seductively.

Arthur rolled his eyes and leaned up to press a soft kiss, not at all mirroring their frantic behavior before, to Merlin’s lush lips, “In the sleeping sense.”

“Is that an invitation for me to stay the night?” Merlin questioned seriously. Though they have their passionate nights, it was always regarded that it’d be too risky to have Merlin sleep in the king’s bed. They’ve done it in the past, but it was before Arthur was married.

Arthur contemplated momentarily, looking between his entwined hand with Merlin’s and Merlin’s deep blue eyes, knowing in the end there was only one answer he could give, “Yes, I am. Will you?” He asked.

Merlin’s smile was blinding as he leaned forward and kissed Arthur passionately, “Of course.”    

Merlin and Arthur rose from the table and collectively entered the king’s bed where they continued to kiss and entwine their bodies. They were together, and everything was as it should be.

However, they did not know that someone had seen them during their activities. They barely registered the door opening slightly before the voyeur could stop in her tracks, stunned and heartbroken over what she saw. Guinevere could only watch as her vows between her and her husband were crumbling before her, only to be left with a bitter betrayal and a deep anger towards the two men.


	7. If You'd Care to Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwen has a discussion with Arthur where new rules are implemented.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Set before the events in 5x04. I wanted to add a new component to the story that shows why there was tension between Merlin and Gwen that was evident, as well as a reason for Arthur's distance in the middle of the season. Also, this will explain Gwen's actions once she becomes evil in 5x07 and has the urge to kill both Merlin and Arthur. The title of the chapter comes from the song "Hot Scary Summer" by the Villagers. Happy reading!

Arthur awoke the next morning to an empty bed. Though it wasn’t such a surprise to the king, he almost expected Merlin to leave for the sake of getting caught he suspected, but the thought of a morning where he would wake with Merlin in his arms, and he knew it was the one thing missing in his relationship.

Stretching out his morning muscles, Arthur eventually made his way out of his bed bare and walked to his personal desk where his clothes for the day were folded in a pile, obviously placed there by Merlin. He smiled ruefully to himself and wondered if Merlin purposefully put the clothes in a place where he’d have to walk without clothes. He wouldn’t put it past his manservant.

The door opened to the king’s chambers and Arthur absent-mindedly held up his trousers as he called out cheekily, “ _Mer_ lin! I think I need help with--”

However, the person that greeted him was not Merlin, but his wife. She wore her Camelot red dress, already dressed to impress. Arthur was startled by the unsuspected guest and jumped behind his changing wall, his cheeks red as crimson, “Guinevere! I wasn’t expecting you until the council meetings later…” he busied himself with his trousers, his fingers fumbling with the strings.

As he successfully latched his trousers on, Gwen appeared behind the changing wall, her eyes sad, “Really, Arthur? You can’t even change in front of me?”

The king was silent as he contemplated his words, “I just… I didn’t want to startle you, Gwen. Nothing more!” Arthur smiled as he walked past Gwen, placing a gentle hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off, worrying the king. “So, what were you doing here? Is everything alright?”

As if written by fate, the door to the king’s chambers open and in pops Merlin with Arthur’s breakfast tray, sporting a dumb grin on his face, “Good morning! I--” but he stopped in his tracks when he saw Gwen in the room. “Oh! Gwen! Good morning…”

Arthur glanced at Gwen and noticed that her eyes sharpened slightly, shocking Arthur. He looked at Merlin who was as confused as Arthur felt, everyone standing motionless. Gwen didn’t return the greeting to Merlin. Instead, she walked past Arthur and sat at the end of the eating table, the same spot where just last night Merlin and Arthur were intimate. “Merlin, I will be having breakfast with my _husband_ this morning. You will not be needed.” Merlin looked at Arthur, confused beyond belief, but Arthur had no answer for him. He was just as clueless.

“Of course…” Merlin responded slowly, walking with the tray to the table, an unmistakable limp in his step, causing Arthur to blush as he joined his wife at the table. Merlin glanced once more at Arthur, the two detecting something was wrong, but Arthur gave a minute shrug, their eyes communicating what couldn’t be said. _Good luck. I love you._ Arthur smiled slightly before he caught Gwen staring at him coldly.

Despite Arthur’s wishes, Merlin left the two in Arthur’s chambers, silencing filling the air and suffocating the king. Eventually he reached for his breakfast platter, grabbing different cheeses, meats and vegetables and placing them on his own plate. “Would you care for some, Guinevere?” Arthur asked, attempting to be nonchalant.

“No, thank you.” She responded, her tone sad once more, almost tired. She remained seated, her eyes casted down to her hands, her fingers circling her wedding ring. He wondered what was bothering her but he didn’t have the courage to ask her.

Arthur took a bite out of a slice of cheese, but the texture felt all wrong, and he couldn’t stomach the substance. He dropped the cheese to the platter and looked at Guinevere, “Leon told me that an outlying village has been doing very well with their crops this summer. We should have an excess of food this season.” He announced, attempting to start a conversation between the two.

Gwen smiled, “That’s wonderful news, but if you don’t mind I would prefer it if we didn’t talk about business this morning.”

Arthur nodded, “Of course.” He attempted to produce another topic to discuss, but his mind stayed blank, and Gwen remained silent.

“Err, so… the other day Merlin did the most _hilarious_ \--”

“Really?!” Gwen asked angrily. “Of all the things we could talk about and the first and only thing you can think of is _Merlin_.”

Arthur stared at her, nonplussed, “...Is something wrong, Guinevere?”

Gwen’s mouth twisted, “I didn’t think so, not until last night.”

Arthur reached out his hand for Gwen’s, but she evaded him and stood from her chair. “Gwen, what is it? What happened?”

“I… I _saw_ you!” She bellowed, facing Arthur with tears streaming down her face, “With _him_!” She threw out her hand in the direction of the door where Merlin had left for the morning.

Arthur’s face lost all color as he stared at Gwen with wide eyes, “You… what?”

“Don’t make me say it again, Arthur Pendragon!” Gwen chastised him. “It’s worse enough that broke your vow to me, but I was the one who had to find out about it.”

“I don’t understand. How?” Arthur asked, confusion, shame and shock written plainly on his face.

“Last night I came to see you. But I saw that you were already previously engaged in other activities.” Gwen spat, folding her arms.

Arthur sighed loudly and rubbed his face with his hands, “Gwen, I don’t know what to say.”

Gwen laughed harshly, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you explain how long that has been going on. And why you didn’t even bother to tell me about it!”

Arthur gathered his thoughts before he met Gwen’s eyes. Despite everything, Gwen was his wife, and she deserved the truth. Merlin and Arthur had both agreed on it. “It all started when we stayed in Queen Annis’ castle. We spent the night together then.” Gwen looked as if she was about to be sick, and she had a right to be. It was nearly half a year ago. He thought about telling her the reason why they were together that night, that it was because it was true love caused by a rare herb, but he decided to spare her the details. “But we weren’t officially… together, until three months ago. And we didn’t want to tell you because we wanted to spare your feelings.”

“And you think this was a better outcome?!” Gwen quipped.

“No, I didn’t. And I still don’t. But we’re here now and we need to talk about this.”

“What is there to discuss? It obviously won’t be continuing.”

Arthur was taken aback by her statement, “It won’t be?”

Gwen stared at him as if he had grown two heads, “Of course it won’t be! Why would it?”

It was Arthur’s turn to become sad, “You know why, Gwen. I love him. I loved him before we got married and I love him now. I’m not ashamed of it.”

Gwen appeared to be shaking as she took a seat once more at the table. This time she reached for Arthur’s hands and held them tightly in hers, “We both know that we can’t put love in front of everything, Arthur.”

Arthur thought of Lancelot, and how Arthur had caught his best friend and then-fiancé intimate in the throne room. He remembered the anger he felt, realizing that Gwen had broken her vow just as Arthur had. Gwen and Arthur both vowed to be faithful to each other in marriage, and when Arthur saw that vow broken, the anger of realizing the time spent apart from Merlin had been pointless, he broke. After that he promised he could no longer put his heart before the kingdom. He now realized that he had failed in that aspect.

Gwen continued to stare at Arthur with a mixture of pity and anger, “I have decided that from now on I’ll be having all meals with you. And I will be staying the night with you now. I won’t stay every night, but it’s been nearly a year, and there has been talk.”

Arthur sat frozen in place before he nodded silently, casting his eyes down to the table as he pulled his hands away from his wife’s.

Gwen waited in silence until she stood once more from the table, her eyes still on Arthur’s, “And I don’t want you to continue your affair with Merlin. I will be telling Leon this, because I know now he’s been keeping me from the truth. If anything happens, he will be telling me of it. We are going to be a married couple, Arthur.” Gwen walked up to Arthur who remained frozen in distress and pressed a kiss to his temple. It felt wrong. “I will see you at the council meeting later and then for lunch afterwards.”

Arthur watched as Gwen left his chambers, but he refused to move. Or maybe he couldn’t, he wasn’t quite sure. He figured that Gwen would be upset, but not this upset with him to the point of complete control over his actions. What would he tell Merlin? The thought of being without Merlin again made his stomach ache, but what other choice would he have? Gwen was his wife and queen, he gave his heart to her in front of the kingdom, but he knew that a heart needs actual love in order to flourish.

Arthur continued to sit in contemplation throughout the rest of the morning before a timid knock appeared at his door. “Come in,” Arthur muttered, his eyes casting up to see Merlin entering in his chambers cautiously.

“Is everything okay?” He asked, shutting the door and walking quickly to Arthur.

Arthur smiled but it didn’t reach his eyes, “Yes.”

Merlin sighed in relief and kissed Arthur on the mouth, but Arthur couldn’t quite reciprocate the emotion. His manservant must not have noticed it because he pulled away, a look of curiosity on his face, “What did she want?” He asked, playing softly with Arthur’s hair.

Arthur swallowed and smiled once again at Merlin, “...Nothing. It was nothing.”

 


	8. He and I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin is worried about Arthur. He's being... distant.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title comes from the song "Near to You" by A Fine Frenzy. Happy reading!

It was later that night that Princess Mithian arrived in Camelot, exhausted and in weak condition. Merlin had been too consumed with the princess to further worry about Arthur’s conversation with Guinevere. Though Arthur hadn’t told him the topic of which they spoke, something had jarred the king deeply to the point where he couldn’t tell Merlin. He only knew that Arthur would have told him if it was important enough.

With a few quick courtesy knocks, Merlin entered Arthur’s chambers after examining Mithian. He found Arthur sitting at his table, papers strewn every which way, a look of deep concentration etched onto his face.

Arthur looked up from his papers and sat up, “How is she?”

“She is weak and exhausted, but she will live.” Merlin told him.

“Good.” Arthur replied, a sigh of relief passing over him. Merlin and Arthur both knew the unexplained protectiveness over the Princess Mithian, and upon hearing separately the tragic news to her brought sorrow to both men. “I must speak to her at once.” Arthur stood up from his seat but Merlin held up his hand and prevented him from advancing.

“Actually, no…” Merlin looked up into Arthur’s eyes who were questioning him slightly, “You can’t disturb her until morning.”

“This is important.” Arthur urged, attempting to pass over Merlin, but Merlin knew him better than that and intercepted his path once more.

“And so is the health of the Princess.” Merlin responded, holding firm on his decision. He was not going to let Arthur disturb Mithian.

Arthur eyed Merlin, “Did you just give me an order?” He asked, a hint of coyness written into the tone.

“Yes, sire.” Merlin replied in mock-seriousness.

“Feel good, does it?”

“It’s… not unpleasant.” Merlin replied, a grin appeared on his lips as he attempted to get closer to Arthur, but Arthur looked hesitant and almost worried. Merlin’s smile faded as he continued to look at Arthur, inviting him to open up but instead the king looked away and sat back in his seat, defeated.

“Arthur?” Merlin asked, confused.

“They were riding throughout the night. Something must have happened.”

Merlin knew there was something bothering Arthur that he still wasn’t sharing, and tonight appeared as if it was not going to be that night. “We’ll know more. In the morning.” He reiterated before leaving for the night, unknown that in doing so a huge weight had rolled off Arthur’s shoulders.

***

The last thing Merlin remembered before the blackness was Morgana standing over his body and strangling him. When he lost consciousness it felt different than other times. It felt more… permanent. He had experienced the sensation nearly ten years previous, so soon after he had met Arthur and so willing to sacrifice himself for the boy with the poisoned chalice.

Arthur had gone against his father’s wishes to save Merlin, and then because of duty, but even though Gaius had told Merlin that it was Arthur’s courage to get Merlin’s antidote, Merlin was the only one to know that Arthur had failed. That despite his best efforts, Merlin had died that day. It was a feeling unlike any other, like he was suffering beyond comprehension and then he was submerged in a wave of tranquility.

A soft voice had told him that he was needed back on the human world, that Arthur was waiting for him, though he didn’t know the implication of how true that truly was. Now that he was submerged once again in that feeling of tranquility, he was again visited by a soft voice that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at the same time, “Merlin,” she had called.

Merlin’s body was frozen but his mind wandered in this mysterious place, but became focused when the voice called him again, “Merlin.”

The voice in question was so familiar to him, one that he hadn’t heard in over three years. Merlin turned to see Freya floating in the watery abyss that surrounded them, her appearance ethereal and at peace. “Freya. What are you…?”

Freya smiled, “Your kindness and compassion towards me gave me a new purpose after the pain and suffering I experienced in the human world. I now govern the gate between Avalon and your world. I, Merlin, am the Lady of the Lake.”

“Avalon…” Merlin breathed, holding a hand up and watching as the water danced around him in an array of intricate swirls. “Does that mean I’m--”

Freya laughed, “You’ve been here before, and yet you still continued to walk among men. As Merlin, or as Emrys, but you continue to walk.”

“I tried so hard to forget that; pretend like it was merely hallucination from the poison.”

“And yet?” Freya asked, a twinkle in her eye.

“And yet it wouldn’t be happening again if that were so.” Freya nodded in affirmation, and Merlin continued to embrace the feeling of tranquility. He rarely got that feeling anymore, only with Arthur. Arthur. “Freya, can I get back? Arthur, he needs me.”

Freya smiled, knowing, “Have you figured it out yet, Merlin? The reason why you can exist in such a state without advancing? Why you cannot cross the gate?”

“Because of my fate with Arthur?” Merlin guessed.

“Because you are magic itself, Emrys, and magic must remain in the human world, should it continue to exist. You are needed there. For Arthur, and for the time after.”

“After?” Merlin asked, tension beginning to seep again in his consciousness. “What do you mean after?!”

Freya began to float away, her smile remaining but a deep sadness evident, “Until the next time, dear Merlin.”

When Merlin opened his eyes, he expected to see Arthur greeting him back to the mortal world, but instead he saw Gaius’ worried face hanging above him. “Merlin!” Gaius grinned, placing a hand on Merlin’s shoulder.

Though Merlin was happy to see Gaius, he did wonder where Arthur was. It wasn’t like him to be away like this, “Gaius…” Merlin smiled, his throat still sore from the abuse. He coughed and grabbed for his throat. “Hilda… is _Morgana_.”

“Morgana?”

“She must be using some kind of aging spell.” Merlin concluded.

“It explains why she’s always so tired.” Gaius agreed.

“Mithian tried to warn me. I tried to get to Arthur but Morgana go to me first--”

“And she nearly killed you, Merlin.” Gaius chastised.

Merlin didn’t have the heart to tell Gaius the truth, that for that moment in time he had actually been dead. The worry in the old man’s face was enough for Merlin to know that he wouldn’t have been able to handle it. “Well she didn’t count on a sorcerer like you.” He joked as the physician helped Merlin up in a sitting position.

“Merlin, please don’t make me do that again. I’m not sure my heart could take it.” Gaius asked him, Merlin understanding the real question was about his safety, not Gaius using magic.

Merlin smiled and nodded before he was distracted by the sound of footsteps approaching him. Momentarily he was foolish enough to believe that they were Arthur’s, but instead was greeted by the sight of Gwaine.

Gwaine’s brown eyes lit up when he saw Merlin awake and dropped the firewood in his arms, going to embrace his friend but Merlin brushed him off, “We need to get to Arthur. He’s heading straight into a trap.”

Merlin and Gwaine left the camp together, Gaius having decided for the two men that it’d be faster if they left him. After a short but persistent argument from the older physician, Merlin knew that he had to find Arthur. Though Merlin had just returned from the gates of Avalon he continued to push forward, regardless of the fact that Gwaine kept asking if he was okay every other minute.

After an hour of trekking through the woods by Nemeth, Merlin decided that he needed to take a break. Or, actually Gwaine had been so stubborn that Merlin needed to rest for a short period, for everyone’s best interest Merlin gave into Gwaine’s wishes. The two sat against a tree and caught their breath as Merlin drank from Gwaine’s water jug, his mind only focussed on Arthur, and a question had lingered on his tongue since their trip begun.

“When Arthur left…” Merlin started, looking through his lashes at Gwaine who appeared hesitant for the rest of the sentence. “Did he know that I was…?”

Gwaine looked down and waited before he nodded slightly.

Merlin’s brows knitted together in confusion. Why did Arthur leave him? Yes, the mission was important, but Merlin and all the knights knew that Arthur would never go willingly without Merlin. It was just a fact. Something was wrong, and it had started that morning he had his conversation with Gwen.

“Well, who needs him anyways.” Merlin joked, a nervous laugh escaped his lips.

Gwaine didn’t return the laugh, but instead gazed at Merlin, “I would never leave you, Merlin.”

Merlin stared at Gwaine in complete shock before Gwaine added to his sentence, “It’s unlike anyone I’ve met who’s gotten into more trouble than me. People like us have to stick together.” He grinned, but it didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Merlin gazed at the man, “Gwaine…”

The knight bounded from his position next to Merlin and held his hand out for Merlin to take, “What are we waiting for? We need to save the Princess! And Mithian.” He smirked as Merlin took his hand and was pulled onto his feet. Their hands lingered together a second too long before they let go, both clearing their throats in embarrassment before Merlin began to run in the direction of Arthur, followed closely by the knight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one day?!?! I must really love you guys! Let me know what you think of the new Gwaine/Merlin dynamic below! I know we're all Merthur trash, but Merwaine is going to be extremely important to the plot. You'll see why later. ;)


	9. To Rid the Curse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin finally gets answers from Arthur.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Based on how you perceive it, this chapter is mildly dub-con. It is mentioned that Gwen attempts to sleep with Arthur, but she stops after he refuses. Title from the chapter comes from the song "Lovers Eyes" by Mumford and Sons. Happy reading!

Merlin didn’t go to Arthur’s chambers the night Arthur, Merlin and the knights arrived back in Camelot. He missed Arthur desperately, having been so used to spending his night hours with his king rather than without, but he was still nervous about his conversation with Gwaine. If he was telling the truth, and Gwaine would never lie to Merlin, Arthur had chosen willingly to leave Merlin when he had been on the brink of death. No one but Merlin knew that he had actually died, but it’s hard to explain something the sorcerer was just beginning to accept: he might not be able to die. That mere thought terrified him, having seen the other side of his soul die in a vision by a knight living within the castle.

His mind now transfixed on that dreadful sight of Arthur falling after being dealt a deadly blow by Mordred, Merlin couldn’t help himself but rise from his old bed in order to find his Arthur. Regardless, they needed to talk, but Merlin merely needed to see Arthur, to know he was alive. It was foolish, he knew, but he shook with fear whenever he thought about it.

Not minding his state of dress, Merlin walked the halls of Camelot in his night trousers and white tunic, displeased at the feeling of the cool stone against his bare feet, but drawing the clarity it brought to him. He knew Arthur was fine, he had to be, but Merlin was so paranoid nowadays he couldn’t tell what was truth or fiction.

Merlin nearly rounded the corner to reach Arthur chambers, but was stopped by the sound of Arthur’s doors closing. Furrowing his brows, Merlin peaked around the corner to find Gwen in her nightgown pressing Arthur’s door gently and stomping away as she tugged her shawl closer to her body. Why was Gwen in Arthur’s chambers so late in the evening, and why was she so upset?

Approaching Arthur’s door after the Queen had walked around the corner in the direction of her own chambers, suddenly trepidated at his actions. Arthur loved him, that much was clear, but every action performed by him the the past couple days had Merlin questioning everything. He wanted answers, and this time he was going to be brave and just ask Arthur.

The candles were still lit in Arthur’s room from what Merlin could see through the cracks of the door, meaning someone was still awake. Merlin held up a fist to the door but hesitated for the first time in three years before finally knocking and opening the door slightly. As he entered the room the first thing he saw was Arthur hunched over his desk by his bed, his head in his hands, looking absolutely anguished.

“Guinevere, I told you I can’t--” Arthur spoke before looking up to see Merlin. Whatever was bothering the king before poured out from him, causing Arthur to rush to Merlin and collapse against him, his body shaking and his eyes wet. Merlin, after a moment of surprise, came to Arthur’s need and embraced his body against his, running his fingers through his blond hair.

“Shh, Arthur’s it’s okay, I’m here.” He muttered, pressing kisses wherever he could of Arthur’s.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke softly, his voice thick.

Merlin lifted Arthur’s face in his hands and noticed how wrecked Arthur looked, the despair in his blue eyes. Merlin wiped Arthur’s tears away and continued to comfort him, “Arthur, what’s going on? Everything has been so off lately and it’s worrying me.” Arthur looked down and squeezed his arms around Merlin tighter, “Why was Gwen here?” He asked first.

“Can we lay by the fire?” Arthur asked of Merlin, and the raven-haired man obliged, knowing it was their favorite spot to relax. Whatever what going on with Arthur was important, they might need the atmosphere to help them.

Merlin and Arthur held hands as they walked the spanse of Arthur’s room to the lit fireplace before laying before it on the plush fur rug. Merlin curled against Arthur’s body, their legs entwined as was their fingers. Arthur rotated so that he was sitting half up, his weight leaning on his elbow as the king looked down at his manservant, absent-mindedly playing with his frayed white tunic.

“What is it?” Merlin asked, his voice heavy with worry.

Arthur took a deep breath, “Gwen knows about us.”

Merlin swallowed, his stomach dropping, but they had discussed this possibility. Arthur would tell Gwen that they were together now, and Gwen would understand. She was always so understanding. “And? Did she understand?”

Arthur twisted his mouth downwards, “Not exactly.”

Merlin grew more worried, “What do you mean ‘not exactly’?”

Arthur’s emotions were starting to get the better of him again, “She… she told me that from now on she’ll be having every meal with me. And… she’s going to be staying in my chambers almost every night. She won’t allow us to be together.”

Merlin blinked a few times, trying to process what he had just heard, “We never thought she’d react this way.” He responded eventually.

Arthur nodded in agreement, this time playing with the exposed skin on Merlin’s chest and neck, “I was so surprised, I didn’t know what to do.”

Merlin sat up to meet Arthur at eye level, “You agreed to it?” He asked, astounded.

“Merlin, she was so persistent. It came out of nowhere. And she’s…”

“...And she’s your wife.” Merlin finished, his voice hollow. He felt like he might be sick.

“She came in tonight, got dressed for bed, and before I knew she was clinging to me in my bed. I felt so wrong, like I was betraying you. And then she tried to bed me, saying how Camelot needed an heir, and how we needed to be like a real married couple.” Arthur was so distraught Merlin could barely understand his words, “I told her I couldn’t, and after being unsuccessful she left. I couldn’t…” He clung to Merlin again, this time Merlin holding him tightly against his body, Merlin himself letting out a few tears of anguish for the man he loved. “I couldn’t stay in that bed. It was too wrong. And then you came in, and…”

“I know, I know.” Merlin sighed, squeezing back his tears, though he was failing miserably, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, love.”

Arthur pulled Merlin over him so Merlin covered his body, and Merlin formed to blanket him, as if he was shielding him from the world outside their little niche. Arthur’s breath rang in Merlin’s ears, coming in short spurts, the king’s hands roaming over his manservant’s form, desperate. “Merlin,” he breathed, “I need you.” He spoke and repeated it, kissing Merlin’s face.

Merlin was definitely eager, but so much held him back, “Arthur, what about--?”

“No,” Arthur interrupted, grinding up against Merlin’s body, “Nothing else exists but you and me.” He whispered, claiming Merlin’s mouth with his own, their tongues and breath mingling with each other as their bodies moved in unison, their erections rubbing together perfectly. “I need you… in me.” He requested, looking up at Merlin with his big blue eyes. “Can you, Merlin? Please? It’s been so long.” He spoke each sentence after a searing kiss.

Merlin groaned, the idea so pleasurable he nearly finished off at the thought, but he would do it for Arthur. “Of course. Yes.”

He went to pull Arthur’s tunic but the king stopped him, “Not enough time.” He said, and Merlin had to admit that Arthur was right. The two were too close already. Merlin grunted in affirmation and hoisted himself over Arthur who shimmied off his sleeping trousers as Merlin pulled his down until his cock was free. Merlin wet his length with his precome and spit as he kissed Arthur who was so desperate against Merlin, his body thrusting up against his erection, causing Merlin to groan against Arthur’s lips.

“Please,” Arthur whispered against his lips, “Need you.”

“Okay, love.” Merlin spoke, lining his cock with Arthur’s entrance and pushing in slowly, marvelling at the sight of Arthur. The sensation of Arthur inside his body was nearly the best feeling in the world, but it couldn’t compare to the feeling of actually being inside the man he loved, seeing the affect he had on him claimed everything. He was in love with everything Arthur was. They rocked together quickly, their bodies betraying their wants, knowing that they wouldn’t last long and being okay with it. Tonight was not about pleasure, it was about comfort, and being there for Arthur. Whatever strength he could give to Arthur was his.

“Merlin,” Arthur whined as he stroked his cock in time with Merlin’s quick thrusts. Merlin leaned down and kissed Arthur, the feeling of completion nearing him as he languidly continued to thrust in Arthur, hitting that spot that drove him crazy.

Eventually Merlin couldn’t continue and came inside Arthur with a cry, Arthur finishing soon after, as the two rode out their orgasms together. “I love you,” Merlin said as he fell against Arthur. That was the main difference between the two men; while Merlin had grown to be a well-built man, Arthur’s physical strength made it easier to withstand longer sessions together.

Merlin placed kisses all over Arthur as the king closed his eyes and slowed his breathing, revelling in his euphoria. “I want to stay with you so badly.” Merlin admitted eventually, eyeing Arthur again through heavy lids.

Arthur looked up at Merlin, “I do, too. But we can’t. Not anymore.” The realness of Arthur’s words hit Merlin in the chest as he came to terms with it, his body feeling dirty. “It’s not what I want…”

Merlin shook his head, “No, I get it.” He lied, placing a faux smile on his lips. He wasn’t sure what the result of tonight was, but he couldn’t quite deal with it just yet. “It’s your duty.” He pulled away from Arthur and pulled up his trousers, tears threatening to leak from the corners of his eyes. “I’ll, umm, I’ll see you and Gwen in the morning.” He managed without looking at his king.

“Merlin!” Arthur called, but the younger man ignored him. He eyed a jug of what had to be wine and took it as he left Arthur’s chambers, feeling disgusting and most of all lonely. Merlin took a swig from the wine and walked the corridors of the castle. He needed a friend, he concluded as he drank more and more from the wine. He needed a friend.

 


	10. The Endless, Lonely, Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin contemplates his friendship with Gwen when he stumbles - literally - into a friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter comes from the song "Leave Your Lover" by Sam Smith, a song I always believed to be a perfect POV from Gwaine.

Stumbling aimlessly through the halls of the castle was a lot harder than Merlin anticipated, considering the large jug of wine in question and his emotions erratically spiking causing him to lose his way not long into his journey. He fell often, the sharp collision with the ground sobering the sorcerer just enough to get him to his bare feet again. He knew he looked like a mess, with his night tunic falling haphazardly off his shoulder and his trousers loose on his hips. Though, the fact he was able to tie the strings together enough for them to stay on while he was in his state was an accomplishment enough.

Through his journey he wondered momentarily why he didn’t simply return to his own bed to fall prey to his dreams of Arthur’s death, something that haunted him every night. But he concluded to himself between hiccups and sniffles that even though this had been the lowest moment he had experienced in years, it was a lot better than seeing Arthur dead, regardless of his relationship with him. Was it even a relationship anymore? He let out another choked sob at the thought of once again being without Arthur, and another for being in a relationship in these conditions.

Gwen knew about them, and she refused their relationship. A part of Merlin was angry at the Queen for denying him something that was supposed to be so simple: true love. He wanted to take away from Gwen something so important to her as true love, but he realized that it had already been taken from her… twice. Anyone with eyes saw how much the two loved each other, including Merlin and the king, but the only thing keeping Lancelot and Guinevere apart was their moral compass of duty to the kingdom and Arthur. Lancelot believed that Arthur loved Gwen, so he didn’t pursue Gwen, and Gwen believed that Arthur needed Gwen by her side as a Queen, so she refused herself Lancelot. At the time Merlin and Arthur were too selfish in their relationship that they never told the other couple they could have fallen in love, just like Merlin and Arthur had. It wasn’t until Arthur proposed to Gwen and revealed his relationship with Gwen did she request he stay faithful to her. Again, it was duty to Camelot that Merlin and Arthur agreed. The duty to a kingdom certainly could tear everyone apart. He wanted to be angry at Gwen, but all he could feel was hurt.

As Merlin continued to clumsily walk through the citadel, his footing got the best of him and he fell once again, only this time against a door. He messily reached up and attempted to drink more wine, but his mouth was empty. Shaking the jug over his open mouth, Merlin grew angry when he realized that he had run out of his drink. With a flash of his golden eyes the jug disintegrated into a pile of ash in his hand and it fell unceremoniously to the stone floor.

Merlin attempted to get back on his feet but gravity seemed to be working against him, and he thumped against the door once more, created a loud thud as his head hit the wood. He slumped against the door in defeat as his thoughts caught up with him. Arthur’s death was coming and he had no way of stopping it, and despite that he made the decision to be with Arthur again, only to have it be taken away. The feeling of absolute despair washed over him as he let out his tears. He clung to the door for support but yelped when it was opened from within, causing him to fall against a body.

“Merlin?” A gruff voice asked, surprised by the visit.

Merlin blinked upwards to the sound of the voice and noticed that it was Gwaine standing over him, a look of deep concern written across his features. “Guh-waine…” Merlin slurred, hiccuping once more.

Gwaine knelt down to Merlin’s level and put a hand on his shoulder, “Merlin, what’s going on? Are you okay?”

Merlin nodded his head but was defeated by his emotions that continued to stream down his face. “I’s jus’ takin’ a walk…” Merlin replied as he tried once more to stand, but the room broke into two and he wobbled before falling on the floor once more.

Gwaine rolled his eyes, “Right, and I’m magical fairy.” He grabbed a half giggling Merlin by his waist and dragging him to a standing position, with Gwaine holding the drunken man exclusively. “You’re a lot heavier than I though, Merlin.” Gwaine commented as he brought him to his dining table.

Merlin pouted as he sat on the chair, “Not nice.”

Gwaine disregarded Merlin’s statement and sat in the chair next to him after he placed a goblet of water in Merlin’s hand, “Now, are you going to tell me what’s wrong or am I going to have to wait forever.”

Merlin hid behind his goblet, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Gwaine frowned, “And here I thought you trusted me.”

“I do!” Merlin replied immediately, “You’re my closest friend!”

Gwaine smiled and helped Merlin take a sip of water, “And you mine.” He watched with satisfaction as Merlin drank nearly all of his goblet. “Now that we’ve established that, the duty of the closest friend is that you have to tell me everything.”

Merlin sniffled, “I may have done a bad thing.”

Gwaine raised an eyebrow, “Little Merlin did a bad thing? I can’t believe that! What’d you do? Not feed the Princess on time?”

Merlin’s heart sank and he began to whimper at the thought of Arthur, “He...He…” Merlin wanted more than anything to tell Gwaine, he wanted to tell Gwaine a lot of things, but his hesitancy with trust prevented him from taking the leap. “Do you think that true love wins over everything?” Merlin could see through his weepy eyes that the question caught the knight off guard, and he looked down to see that Gwaine’s hand was resting on his forearm. He didn’t pull it away.  

“I’d like to think so.” Gwaine smiled, but he didn’t look quite convinced. “Why do you ask?”

Merlin smacked his lips, “I want to believe that true love exists, but what if the person you believe is… the one… not willing to be there for you?” Merlin let his head fall against the chair as he looked at Gwaine as he let his secret slip, “I love him but he chooses her over me.”

Gwaine swallowed and blinked a couple times, his breath steady but his eyes looked troubled, “I’m… sorry, Merlin. Leon told us the news. It’s not fair to you.”

“And worst yet is that we’re still together.” Merlin mumbled.

“What do you mean?” Gwaine asked.

“I just left Arthur’s chambers. We…”

Gwaine cut him off, his face twisted, “Yeah, I get it.”

Merlin looked at Gwaine, his eyes indecipherable, “You won’t tell, will you, Gwaine?” Merlin grasped Gwaine’s hand in his own and held it tight, “Please.”

Gwaine blinked at Merlin, his brown eyes gazing at Merlin’s blue, and they seemed sad. Merlin wondered how such a happy person could look so sad, “Your secret is safe with me.”

Merlin’s mind, in its current state, attempted to decipher the meaning behind Gwaine’s emotions, but found it difficult to understand it completely. There had always been something about Gwaine that made him feel… understood, in a way that he rarely felt with anyone. There had been fleeting thoughts about Gwaine’s feelings for him, but he always pushed them aside, never wanting to ruin his easy relationship he had with the knight. However, his emotional vulnerable state mixed with his intoxication let him explore the thoughts he refused in his sober state.

“Can I stay here tonight?” Merlin asked, putting his hand over Gwaine’s which was still grasping Merlin’s hand.

Gwaine looked down at Merlin’s hand and back to his blue eyes, his brows furrowed slightly as if he was in deep contemplation. “I don’t know if Arthur would--”

“No, I don’t want to talk about Arthur right now. He’s made his choice.”

“And you can hardly make yours in your condition, Merlin. I would know from experience.” Gwaine added.

Merlin looked down, his emotions running high again, “I don’t want to be alone tonight. Just… please? I’ll sleep on the floor…”

Gwaine laughed and rolled his eyes as he stood from his seat, bringing Merlin with him, “Don’t be ridiculous. You can have my bed. I’ll sleep by the fire.” He spoke with ease as he brought Merlin to his bed. It was a nice bed, a lot nicer than Merlin’s, but it still lacked the royal touch of a king’s bed. However, as Merlin fell against the bed he melted against the fur pelt that covered the bed, a content sigh releasing from his lips.

Gwaine smiled softly and placed his hand on Merlin’s hip, “Goodnight, Merlin.”

Merlin whined and grabbed Gwaine’s hand, “No, with me.”

“Merlin--”

Merlin just looked at him with his big blue eyes, and the knight caved, “Alright. You’re going to be the death of me, I swear…” He grumbled as Merlin grinned, moving over so Gwaine can sit lay beside him. “Happy?”

Another happy sigh came from Merlin and he rotated to his side, facing away from Gwaine. The knight admired Merlin for what seemed like hours before turning on his side to face Merlin and wrapped his arm around Merlin’s waist, placing his hand on his stomach. He was going to keep Merlin safe and happy, he vowed it.  


	11. How Much to Give and How Much to Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin awakes in Gwaine's arms, but is it enough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title goes to the song "I Found" by Amber Run.

Merlin knew something was off the moment he became conscious. Other than the extreme pain that spread throughout his skull and his nauseous stomach, it was the arm slung around his waist that caught him off guard. Once he opened his eyes against his better judgement, he was greeted with the sight of Gwaine’s chambers. It wasn’t until he pieced together bits of his memories from the night previous did he realize he had asked Gwaine to stay in his bed with him.

Tentatively, Merlin craned his neck, ignoring the sharp pain that reverberated throughout his head, and his heart stopped when he saw the saw a sleeping Gwaine resting so peacefully next to Merlin. The older knight was so rambunctious and carefree that he almost forgot that there was a downside to Gwaine, with his features resting in a way that made him look younger than what he most likely was.

Merlin wanted to feel comforted by the arm around him, maybe think that he was supposed to be touched by the action, but all he felt was guilt. He hated that he knew of Gwaine’s feelings and used it for his own gain; but he also hated himself for betraying Arthur. Well, he wasn’t sure if there was anything to betray, but Merlin wasn’t going to give up on his relationship with Arthur. He simply had to persuade Arthur to talk to Gwen and say that they were not going to be without each other anymore. Not when Arthur’s death could be so close to becoming a reality.

The thought of his vision of Arthur’s death crept into his mind, making it the only thing Merlin could picture. The sight of Mordred’s remorseless eyes, the sound of sword piercing armor, it was all too much for Merlin. He clung to his head and clenched his teeth, willing away the image of his lover dying. He wanted to think of anything other than it, like the first time Merlin and Arthur had kissed, or the first time Arthur told Merlin that he loved him, but it was an impossible feat. “No, no, no…” He whimpered, eyes stinging.

The arm around Merlin tensed around his waist as Gwaine’s body shot up in a protective crouch over Merlin. “Merlin?!” Gwaine asked, alarmed. The knight shook Merlin slightly, causing him to break out of his trance with a start, his breath shaky and his brow lined with sweat.

Merlin groaned again with his forehead aching from the alcohol last night but he refused to close his eyes, should he be greeted again with the awful sight.

“What’s wrong?” Gwaine asked him, his touch attempting to soothe but it only furthered Merlin’s guilt.

“Nothing. It’s, it’s just a bad dream.” Merlin explained, wiping his face with his sleeping tunic. “Sorry for waking you.” He gave a half smile.

Gwaine didn’t look convinced, but he didn’t question further, “I’ll live.” He replied lightly before lying back on his bed, removing his hand from around Merlin’s waist. “How do you feel this morning?”

Merlin grunted, “Marvelous.” He turned his head to look at Gwaine, the man’s face inches away from his, “How do you deal with the headaches?”

Gwaine grinned, “Well, I always think that swinging my sword at a target for a few hours does the trick eventually, but you don’t seem to be the type that would enjoy that.”

Merlin quipped a brow and rubbed his temples, “I haven’t drank like that in ages. Now I remember why.”

“You never did handle your wine well.” Gwaine added, a smile evident in his tone, causing Merlin to roll his eyes.

“I wanted to thank you, for taking care of me last night.” Merlin said, a blush creeping onto his porcelain skin, “You were too kind.”

Gwaine simply stared at Merlin, almost as if he was trying to decipher what to say next, “You know that I’d do anything for you, Merlin.”

Merlin swallowed and his blush grew deeper. In a way Merlin had always cared for Gwaine, but Arthur had been his forefront thought. In truth, Arthur still was, whether it was by choice or due to their shared destiny that kept Merlin coming back to Arthur. He was the love of Merlin’s life, and Merlin loved Arthur so much it made him do unspeakable things. Was that still love?

Sitting up suddenly, Merlin curled into a ball as he drew up his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs, his mind lost in thought. Gwaine followed suit, placing a hand on Merlin’s shoulder, “Listen, Merlin, whatever you’re going through with Arthur, just know that I’m here for you. Whatever you need. You say that he won’t choose you first, and he’s wrong for that. You should be someone’s first choice. Always.”

Merlin looked at Gwaine intently, his emotions high and his need for emotional support won over anything else. He closed the last gap between himself and Gwaine and pressed their lips together in experimentation. It was odd to Merlin, perhaps for the person he was kissing or being so used to Arthur for nearly ten years, but Gwaine certainly was making up for lost time. He melted into the kiss and returned the favor, kissing enthusiastically while Merlin attempted to determine where he stood on the kiss. Gwaine’s beard, while appreciated to show his rugged side, was new for the sorcerer, a new accessory to play with.

It wasn’t until Gwaine’s tongue broke through Merlin’s mouth did he seem to snap into focus. He pulled away quickly from the knight, his eyes spooked as he gingerly touched his lips where Gwaine had lavished him seconds earlier.

“Is something wrong?” Gwaine asked, attempting to reach out to Merlin, but Merlin clambered from Gwaine’s bed.

“I, I have to get dressed for the day.” Merlin said, his fingers still touching his lips, “I’m sorry. Thank you.” Merlin blinked and swallowed as he looked at Gwaine a few seconds more, his eyes indecipherable, “Please don’t tell anyone. I know you wouldn’t, but…” Merlin stumbled towards the door and with another, “I’m sorry…” He left Gwaine’s chambers.

***

What did he do? Merlin grew furious with himself as he changed into his daywear, thankful that he never ran into Gaius as he returned from Gwaine’s chambers. His face burned from shame and his jaw was burned from Gwaine’s facial hair. Not exactly the most subtle he could have been. It was a moment’s weakness where he desperately needed emotional support, and he made a mistake. He wondered as he tied his scarf around his neck if he was going to tell Arthur, or whether it was something that he _should_ tell him. Arthur said himself that they could never have a normal night like they used to, but did that mean they would sneak around like they were ashamed to be in love with each other?

The sun shined brightly through his bedroom window, indicating that he needed to get Arthur (and Gwen) breakfast. It was the first official day that Merlin would be serving Arthur breakfast with Gwen there, and he wondered how he would handle it. He knew that it’d hurt severely, watching the man he love attempt to play the perfect husband to a woman who knew it was all a scam. A part of him thought it must have been retribution for Arthur and Merlin’s actions that prevented Gwen from being with Lancelot, so he told himself he likely deserved it, but it still stung.  

He couldn’t remember the trip to the kitchen to grab the larger dish of breakfast for the king and queen, or even the long walk to Arthur’s chambers, his mind occupying nearly everything else. For all he knew he could have knocked over ten people. It wasn’t until he reached Arthur’s door did he realize he had arrived, just a door opposite from the beginning of his now horrible mornings.

Self-consciously, Merlin knocked on Arthur’s door, an odd feeling creeping into his stomach. He never knocked. Ever. “Come in,” came Gwen’s voice, and Merlin’s face twisted into an ugly grimace before wiping it off his face and entering Arthur’s chambers.

Merlin entered the room and saw Arthur and Gwen dressed for the day, sat at the dining table, Arthur at the head and Gwen the seat next to him. Gwen gave him a smile but Arthur just stared at Merlin, his eyes showing the sadness that Merlin felt.

“Good morning,” Merlin managed, placing the slightly shaking tray down before the two and backing away, almost as if it was poisoned.

“Thank you, Merlin.” Gwen smiled again, almost innocently if Merlin hadn’t known what she was doing. “We’re really grateful, aren’t we, Arthur?” Gwen asked as she looked at Arthur, who then put on a slight smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Yes, thank you, Merlin.”

This was too hard for Merlin, he realized as he stared at the act before him. He knew it would hurt him, but he didn’t realize that he would be angry about it. “If there’s nothing else, I should be getting to my chores…” Merlin lied, needing desperately to leave the atmosphere of the room.

Gwen appeared as if she wanted to protest, but Arthur spoke up with clarity, “Yes, you’re dismissed, Merlin.” He nodded slightly to his lover before taking a slice of ham from the tray.

Merlin bowed to the king and queen, another trait he ever rarely exercised, and left the room as quickly as possible. He needed to go to a place where he knew he could be safe, free from conflict, in case he tried to kiss anyone else. He came upon an old broom closet that rarely ever held use except for Arthur and Merlin. It was their secret location that they used for their own purpose. He entered the small room and embraced the darkness that surrounded him. Destiny was crushing him, he concluded as he let everything wash over him. Arthur’s death, Gwen’s interference, Mordred’s constant presence by Arthur’s side, even Gwaine’s persistent caring for Merlin felt like a burden, knowing that he didn’t deserve it in the least.

A build up was forming within Merlin, his magic overflowing from his fingertips with all the pressure he was under. With an anguished cry, Merlin fell to his knees and screamed, letting all the stress he had been feeling lash out against the world, his magic flowing free and tossing random brooms and buckets against the walls, not caring if he was making any noise. This was a lonely part of the castle, rarely ever visited.

Time slipped quickly for Merlin until could hear footsteps coming towards the closet, and he quickly placed everything in its place with a quick thought and a pair of golden eyes before the door was opened to reveal Arthur.

“Merlin? What were you doing?” He asked, worried.

While Merlin was glad to see Arthur, it only served as a reminder of his situation. “Sorry.” He said, as an apology for everything.

Arthur sighed and joined Merlin in the small closet, lowering himself to his knees to meet Merlin eye level. The king reached for Merlin’s hands that were placed on his lap and leaned his forehead against Merlin’s, both men breathing in and out in anguish. Eventually their emotions got the best of them and they crashed together, their bodies clinging together in a tight embrace as they let out everything they had been holding in.

“Did we make a mistake?” Merlin asked against Arthur’s skin, “At Annis’? Would it have been easier that way?”

Arthur didn’t answer for a minute, “I don’t know.” He replied eventually, holding back his tears, “I don’t know.”


	12. Take my Body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur sees something funny on Merlin's neck, causing the two men to pull away from each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG! For some reason I had the hardest time writing this chapter! It was really important, especially the last scene which I think makes perfect sense in my context, but I couldn't get the words on paper! So I apologize for my absence, it will not happen again, dear friends! This chapter is in Arthur's POV! The title of this chapter comes from the song "All I Need" by Kodaline.

ARTHUR

Days had passed since Gwen’s new regiment for the king and queen, resulting in high levels of stress for Merlin and Arthur. In fact, Arthur couldn’t place the last time he was this miserable. The day he proposed to Gwen and broke his relationship off with Merlin came to mind, but he was still a young king at the time, and it was so easy to delve into the kingdom’s needs rather than his own. Now, however, it was like he had Merlin by the tips of his fingers, and yet he couldn’t quite grasp him. It saddened him to think that Gwen knew of their unhappiness and still continued in her ways. Would Arthur have been the same way if Lancelot was alive?

The moment he knew that something drastic had changed was a morning Merlin arrived for breakfast, his eyes cast downward in a gaze that held so much density it killed the king that he didn’t know the reason behind them. It wasn’t until his manservant had bent down to set the tray on the table did his neckerchief fall forward, revealing his porcelain skin that was blemished by a spot only a skilled mouth could produce. Arthur’s eyes snapped to meet Merlin’s, his eyes hurt and confused. They hadn’t been intimate in nearly two weeks, it clearly wasn’t Arthur’s doing.

Merlin coughed and hid the rapid blush appearing on his cheeks, “Excuse me, I have to tend to the laundry--” And within seconds he had left the king’s chambers, grabbing a sad excuse of a pile of clothes. Arthur watched him leave and nearly turned green when he saw the slightest of limps coming from Merlin.

Later that evening Merlin was quite as he finished his night chores in Arthur’s chambers, not once looking at Arthur. The king in turn was too confused and hurt to even ask Merlin the origin of his strange behavior. Was he--? No, he couldn’t have… He wouldn’t? The thought of Merlin being with anyone else, no matter how selfish it seemed, burned a hole through Arthur’s already weak facade, leaving him with nothing more than a jealous man.

“Did you want me to dress you for bed now, Sire?” Merlin asked, looking at Arthur who was slouched at his desk.

“No, Merlin. Not tonight.” Arthur answered, monotonously.

Merlin furrowed his brows, “But, who will--?”

“I said not tonight, Merlin!” Arthur snapped unintentionally. Merlin looked shocked and said nothing, waiting for Arthur to explain his outburst. “Well?! Don’t you have someone else to tend to?” Arthur glared, revealing the reason behind his anger.

Merlin looked extremely upset, but he didn’t fight back. “Yeah, I guess I do.” He turned and left Arthur’s chambers, despite being in mid-chore.

Arthur tensed and rubbed his tired eyes, “ _Fuck_ ,” He groaned. He nearly got up and ran after Merlin, but his sense of duty towards his kingdom and his wife prevented him from taking action. He never felt so useless in his life.

***

Throughout the next day Arthur was still hurt by the occurrences of the previous night, playing back everything that happened. It put him in a deep enough rut to turn away both Guinevere and Merlin, stating he was too busy to have breakfast. Merlin was quiet and simply left, whereas Gwen appeared to have been saddened more by him. He knew that Gwen was trying to be a good wife, and he loved her for it, but at this point for Arthur it was more than a lost cause.

Arthur still loved Merlin more than anything, but he couldn’t grasp the idea that Merlin might not love him anymore. He was pulling away, he could feel it. He didn’t want to feel that betrayal anymore from another person he loved. Morgana, his father, Agravaine, and even Lancelot and Guinevere had all betrayed him, he couldn’t bare to think that Merlin was one of them. He wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt the man he loved, he just felt it slip out, almost without preamble. His overindulgence in Mordred in front of Merlin; his unwelcome attitude, attacking Merlin in front of the knights like it was play; even changing behind his screen when Merlin was in the room, an act he hadn’t performed in over eight years. It was an old hat he had worn well before. In fact, this personality was the same one that Merlin first encountered over ten years ago. The hurt boy who was lashing out towards others in hopes of never getting hurt.

The day passed in a blurry mess of emotions for Arthur until he landed in a council meeting, where he learned of Sir Ranulf’s death, a long time friend of Arthur’s. In truth, this knight that Arthur had grown up with had been his first kiss when they were just starting their knight training. However, Sir Ranulf was frightened by his feelings and had pulled away from Arthur, resulting in a now distant friendship that was the product of duty rather than comradery. It wasn’t until Leon spoke the words of Sir Ranulf’s death did Arthur realize how much he had missed his childhood friend, and he would never get the chance to fix it. At a time like this he wanted Merlin closer to him, regardless of their standings. Maybe he couldn’t turn off his snobbish attitude, but at least Merlin would be there.

***

“You sure _this_ is a good idea?” Merlin asked Arthur in passing, causing Arthur to twist and see Merlin’s motion was towards young Mordred.

“He’s a good fighter.” Arthur replied, “Brave knight.”

“He’s very young…” Merlin added, sounding pressed at the issue.

_He’s jealous at my attention towards Mordred_ … Arthur concluded as he looked at the stressed lines on Merlin’s face. Arthur wanted to laugh at the ridiculous notion that he would be with anyone else if it wasn’t Merlin, but all he could say was, “Where would any of us be, Merlin, if no one had given us a chance.”

He mounted his horse and began to lead his knights when he realized that Merlin wasn’t beside him. Yes, it was a little inconspicuous to have a mere manservant ride next to the king, but Arthur was desperate to have his best friend and the man he loved at his side.

“Merlin?” Arthur spoke up before he saw that Gwen was speaking with Merlin. The queen looked from Merlin to Arthur, her stare firm, stating her demand. _Do not betray me again, Arthur._

***

“You’re a very skilled physician, Merlin.” Mordred complimented towards the other man, causing Arthur to shift his attention back to Merlin. He knew that he was upset, especially after seeing Merlin tending to Gwaine after his run-in with Osgar. It wasn’t the attention to the knight that caught Arthur off guard, it was the small touches from Gwaine that Merlin permitted that made Arthur furious. So it was Gwaine that gave Merlin the spot on his neck… and the limping…

“He makes a fine breakfast as you’ll soon find out!” Arthur sneered, belittling and claiming Merlin as his own in one sentence. He was making sure that everyone knew his position with the king.

Merlin faced away from Arthur and said nothing.

Arthur continued his rant.

“Now I’ve offended him.” He mocked with a whisper towards Mordred, unable to stop his wounded heart from causing pain to the one person who deserved it least. At least, he hoped he did. It also didn’t help he drank a heavy dosage of mead during their dinner.

Mordred chuckled, gaining a sense of satisfaction from the king, but Merlin remained motionless by the fire. “Come, Merlin! Warm yourself by the fire. Have a drink!” Arthur requested, letting his drunken self care a little less than he should, especially with Leon who was supposed to monitor his interactions with Merlin.

Merlin eyed Arthur momentarily before Arthur sat up and held his cup of mead high, “To Mordred. On his first successful mission.” He clanked his cup with the knights and watched as Merlin’s face twisted into something peculiar, like he was in pain.

“It was nothing…” Mordred said modestly.

“It was timely and vigilant.” Arthur saw that Merlin’s face hadn’t lessened. The jealousy from Gwaine and Merlin’s newfound relationship grew within the king, “Merlin?” He spoke up, wanting Merlin to go out of his way to compliment the young knight.

“Congratulations.” Merlin responded, almost sarcastically.

Arthur was shocked by Merlin’s tone but played it off as another one of Merlin’s sour moods, “If he died and was given eternal happiness I do think he’d find reason to be miserable.” He looked at Merlin’s unhappy structure and his heart went out to him, “Come Merlin, we’ve triumphed.”

His manservant, instead of listening to Arthur, decided to become sentimental, “Osgar could have easily killed you…” He said, in front of everyone.

Arthur blushed easily at Merlin’s words, grateful for the darkness, “He didn’t, did he?” He asked, attempting to be smart with his manservant but having it come out as soft and gentle.

“He was a sorcerer. It was quite within his power…”

“He was deranged.” Arthur spoke up, not wanting Merlin to worry over this matter any longer. This was getting too out of hand. Merlin was clearly in a state of unhappiness and Arthur was slipping his cover in front of his knights. He wished for the night to pass quickly so his troupe could ride for Camelot as quickly as possible. There, he was finally going to speak with Merlin, and discuss what they were to each other, and what the hell Gwaine was doing in the middle of it.


	13. More Than Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finishing off the fifth episode of the series. The most important moment of Arthur's life faces him as he encounters the Disir. What will he choose: Duty towards his kingdom, Honor towards his dying knight, or Love towards his manservant?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of the chapter comes from the song "More than Life" by Whitley. Again, I am so sorry about the late update, but this is without a doubt the most important chapter of the story, and you'll see why! I wanted to get it just right! Please read and comment below on your thoughts regarding the direction of the story! Your comments fuel my desire to write! Happy reading!!

Arthur knows that Merlin isn’t happy; he can see the pain as if it were a cloak he wore over his shoulders  “I haven’t seen you smile these past three days.” He eventually says to Merlin after they arrive back at the castle. Arthur is still playing his cocky defenseless personality acting up though he knows because he’s terrified that Merlin has found someone else; that Merlin would leave him.

“I’m not sure there’s a great deal to smile about.” Merlin replies to him, walking away from Arthur, causing him to make a face. Fine, if he was going to act like that, Arthur had to give up any pretenses of control and show his true emotions. Damn that Merlin of his.

“Merlin,” he sighed, taking Merlin by the arm and pulling him into a corner of the hall where Merlin could look at Arthur, “Tell me, please. What’s wrong?”

Merlin casted his eyes downward, “Nothing, my lord.” He spoke quietly.

Arthur tilted Merlin’s chin up with his thumb and forefinger so he could properly look into Merlin’s blue eyes, “Then promise me that I’m not losing you.” He told him, exposing his emotional side as he stepped into Merlin’s space.

Merlin finally looked at Arthur, unshed tears in his eyes before he closed them and shook his head, “No, you could never lose me. I’m only afraid that I have lost you.”

The king felt like he had failed the person who mattered most to him; to see the hurt in Merlin’s eyes proved that. Arthur began to pepper soft kisses on Merlin’s face, desperately trying to gain back any comfort that Merlin had lost between them, “What can I do to prove that I am yours completely?”

Merlin took his hand and grasped Arthur’s wrist that was holding onto his chin, holding it tightly as he continued to revel under Arthur’s touch, “I don’t know.”

The answer wasn’t at all what Arthur wanted to hear and it showed in his actions. He needed Merlin to understand just the extent of his love, but in order to give all of himself to Merlin meant to disregard his kingdom, and he knew he had a choice to make. Arthur felt weight of the coin given to him by Osgar in his satchel and the unlimited possibilities it presented the king. Perhaps it will save his relationship with Merlin.

“I’ll prove it to you, Merlin. I promise.” With new optimism, Arthur pressed one last kiss to Merlin’s lips and led his manservant to Gaius’ chambers, in order to gain more information about the Disir.

***

“There can be no place for magic in Camelot.” Merlin had told Arthur, earlier on in the night. Now Arthur remained locked in one place, a huge decision needing to be made for the sake of his kingdom, and yet all he could think about was Merlin. He trusted the man he loved more than any person or thing, but he still needed to make a choice. As he looked at Merlin’s sleeping form across from the barely lit fire, the king yearned to be over there and keeping him warm, but something was holding Merlin back, and even Arthur knew he was holding back.

I can’t lose him again. He thought as he rose from his sleeping cot, his eyes on Merlin, and walked towards the cave where the Disir were undoubtedly waiting for him. Before he made his choice he needed to know all the factors.

Unarmed and vulnerable, the King of Camelot made his way into the cavern, guided by what little light he had until he could make out a light ahead in the tunnel. It was the middle of the night but there was no question the Disir were awake. All sorcerers were odd that way, never needing to sleep.

As he arrived to the three women who remained in their positions as before, Arthur felt an odd surge of what he could only describe as importance upon standing before the three women. “I don’t know if you know why I am here.”

“We assume nothing, King.” One of the women spoke.

“We only carry out the inevitable.” Replied another.

“The choice one makes can define a kingdom. And for the king of Camelot there is more than one factor to his decision.” Said the third, being less mysterious and more straightforward, causing a grateful Arthur to sigh with an ounce of relief.

“I want to ask something of you.” The king replied, “About someone.”

“The boy.” All three said in unision.

Arthur’s brows rose, “How did you--” He stopped himself. They were magical. Of course they knew. “Yes. Merlin.” He cleared his throat, “I want nothing more than to be with him. I love him. But I feel as if destiny is preventing us from being together like the way we want.”

The three women were silent.

“I don’t know if there is a way for us to be together, but I cannot think of anyone else to ask if it is possible. Please, I’ll do anything.”

“The King of Camelot, torn apart by an otherworldly being such as this one.”

“The stories never spoke of a connection like this.”

“And yet it is the only story to tell.”

Arthur waited as the women collected themselves, despite a deep desire to ask about the stories that were supposed to be between Merlin and himself.

“Arthur, King of Camelot, you wish to be forever linked to Merlin, is this correct?”

Arthur knelt on one knee and looked desperately at the Disir, “Yes, it is.”

“And is this what the young Merlin wishes as well?”

Arthur never hesitated, “Yes, it is.”

“There is a way.” The middle woman spoke, “For you to be with your loved one.”

“To live as you wish without pressures of duty or society’s judgement.”

“Yes, I’ll do it. Whatever it takes.” Arthur spoke, his breath quickening.

“Arthur Pendragon, in order to fulfill this destiny there is one price you must pay.”

“What is it?” Arthur asked.

“Death.” The three women spoke.

Arthur looked up at them, “I don’t understand.”

“In order for you and your beloved to be together, the great king of Camelot must sacrifice his own life for the cause.”

Arthur grew angry and stood up, “This is a joke.”

“We do not lie.”

“We do not jest.”

“We only speak the truth.”

“And if I die how can Merlin and I be together?” Arthur quipped.

“There is more to this story than meets the eye.”

“For it has been told since the dawn of Time.”

“And will be written until Excalibur’s final victim draws his breath with his lover. For neither you or your lover have told the Truth.”

“What do I have to do to make this happen, then?” Arthur asked, believing the three women that they were telling the truth.

“In order for you to be with your beloved, you must leave your kingdom knowing it will be in the right hands.”

“When the time comes for your sacrifice you must have amended all relations with those who hold Camelot dear to their hearts.”

“For they will together create the United Kingdoms.”

“So that yourself and Merlin can bring about a new time.”

“And in order to do this I have to die.” Arthur confirmed. “When will this happen? My death?”

“Even as Camelot flowers, so the seeds of her destruction are being sown.” Spoke all three.

“And what about Merlin? Must he sacrifice his life for this? Because I won’t let anything bad happen to him!”

“He will not sacrifice his life.”

“But he will sacrifice something much more sacred and eternal.”

“For you are two sides of the same coin.”

“And what about the magic in Camelot? How does this factor into my decision?” Arthur questioned, his decision about Mordred’s life once again regaining importance.

“That is for you to decide, Arthur Pendragon.”

“But whatever you decide will pave the way towards your fate with Merlin.”

“Choose wisely, Once and Future King.”

***

After a restless night of sleep, Arthur made his way with Merlin back into the cave where he was to make his decision about the future of Camelot. Whatever he was to choose would alter Camelot’s fate forever, and he needed it to be the right one. If he was to truly sacrifice himself to be with Merlin then he needed to do as the Disir said; amend all relationships and make sure Camelot would be in a good place at the time of his death.

“You have returned.” Said the middle woman, “Is your decision made?”

“It is.” Replied Arthur, his nerves running high and his hands slightly shaking. He knew these next few moments were likely the most important in Camelot’s history. To let Mordred die or to follow Merlin’s advice and deny magic. He thought of amending all relationships and thought of Merlin chiefly. There was a reason why he was so emotional last night in his decision, and if Arthur were to go back on what Merlin wished he would abandon his good standing with Merlin, therefore going against his goal if he were to sacrifice his life. “I cannot do as you ask.”

“Consider carefully, Arthur Pendragon.” The woman spoke, allowing Arthur those few seconds of reconsideration he did not want.

“This is your last chance to save all that is dear to you.” Replied the second woman.

“It will not come again.”

Arthur swallowed and didn’t allow himself to backtrack his decision, not with Merlin standing so close to him. He was using him as a lifeline. “I have seen too much to allow sorcery again within Camelot.” The choice made him ill, thinking of young Mordred and how he would die because of these women, but ultimately Merlin came before anyone else. The Disir could see that.

“You have made your decision.”

“Sealed your fate.”

“And that of your kingdom.”

“Farewell, Arthur Pendragon.” Spoke all three women, sending the king and his lover on their way home.

***

As Merlin and Arthur arrived home, Arthur still felt guilty about the impending death of his youngest knight, causing Merlin to continually reassure his king that the decision he made was the right one, but Arthur could not get rid of the newly sickening breath of Death that now seemed to breathe on the back of his neck. _It is all for him_. Arthur told himself. _It is all for him_.

Hopping off his horse as he arrived within the citadel, the king was beyond astonished to see the young Mordred standing well and healthy at the top of the long stone steps that led into the castle. Bewildered, the king ran to meet the knight and gave him a confused but happy greet. He thought that his decision to be with Merlin meant Mordred’s death.

 _I must have made the right decision_. Arthur concluded.


	14. It Calls me Under

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One truth is revealed, and a plan of action is sealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides forever* I AM SO SORRY! If someone could have made my life any busier I would have collapsed. I've been in the midst of moving to a new home and working 40+ hours a week, leaving me utterly exhausted! This story hasn't left me, I'm still trying desperately to finish this, but I want this to be perfect, not just thrown out there, so my updates might not be as often as they were! I apologize for this, but when I do update, it will be up to my standard. I hope you understand and enjoy the chapter! The title comes from the song "I of the Storm" by Of Monsters and Men, who never fails to give us good quality Merthur songs. Enjoy!

_How could I have been so stupid?_ Played in Merlin’s head throughout the night, rarely stopping to give the failed sorcerer a moment to sleep. His conscience was screaming at him, deafening his inhibitions toward any feat other than torturing himself. He wanted so badly to conquer his destiny, but he instead he chose to save his king and lover, and in the end all he  did was ensure Arthur’s death.

The night Arthur and Merlin returned from their journey and saw Mordred walking down the steps of the castle would haunt Merlin for the rest of his days, and he knew from his discussion with Freya he would have many. He thought of setting Arthur down and telling him everything, about their destiny and Merlin’s magic. He barely slept as he continued to contemplate his destiny with Arthur, and how it all felt as if it was on the brink of completion.

“Would you quit thinking?” A gruff voice spoke, “I need my ten hours of sleep.”

Merlin tilted his head to find a just-woken Gwaine curled around his pillow, his hair mussed just perfectly to make him still look annoyingly attractive. Smiling sadly, Merlin rubbed his face and sighed, “Sorry, a lot’s on my mind.”

“There normally is when you come to see me…” Gwaine observed, not-judging, simply factual.

“Gwaine…” Merlin pleaded, the guilt eating at him.

Gwaine sat up and looked down at Merlin, a grin playing on his lips, “I know, I’ll stop my whining. You can make it up to me, though…” Gwaine smirked and crowded Merlin’s space, covering Merlin’s neck with his mouth and pressing wet kisses on his skin.

Merlin hummed against Gwaine’s frame, his mind processing the feel of Gwaine’s body against his, despite his true intentions. While he wanted to  be present for Gwaine, and to feel the way that Gwaine felt for the wizard, Merlin knew deep down that he wasn’t picturing the rogue knight forming over Merlin’s body, encompassing it within his muscular build, but instead imagining Arthur there, giving Merlin the attention and dedication that he desired.

“I need you, Merlin.” Arthur spoke, though his tone was brogue and hoarse, the feel of a non-existent stubble rubbing against his porcelain skin burning his conscience.

Merlin instead hummed in agreement, allowing his Arthur to crowd in-between his legs and grind against his building erection. “Yes, ahhr--” He hitched, thrusting up to meet with Arthur’s grind. A hand reached down to cup Merlin’s groin, causing to Merlin to gasp against the pair of lips that were connecting his, “Arthur…”

The body above his automatically stopped their movement, causing Merlin to open his eyes and meet a pair of brown eyes staring brokenly down at him. Merlin blushed as a confused and hurt Gwaine slid away from Merlin and sat at the opposite end of the bed, “What did you just say?” Gwaine asked.

“I--Gwaine…” Merlin said, trying to reach out to Gwaine, but the knight pulled away as if he had been burnt.

“I didn’t want to believe it.” Gwaine said to himself quietly, “I thought--”

“Gwaine, no, it’s not like that.” Merlin pleaded, clearing his mind of anything other than the present and focussing on not ruining his friendship with one of the only people he could ever trust. “Let me explain, please.”

Gwaine’s door knocked just then, causing the two men to pause in their interaction to recognize the door. Gwaine wasn’t supposed to have anything on his schedule until training in midday, so the knock came as a surprise to the two. Without preamble, Gwaine slid from his bed, leaving a stunned and confused Merlin, in order to open his doors. “My Lord,” he spoke, with the slightest quip in his voice, “How are you this morning?”

Arthur’s voice came from the other side of the door, causing Merlin to freeze in guilt, “Fine, Gwaine. I came to you because Sir Radnor has fallen ill and cannot make the trip to the Queen’s father’s tomb this morning. Elyan, Leon and Percival are on the mission this morning, and I need someone handy with a sword to accompany them; can I count on you?” Arthur asked.

Merlin scrambled from the bed and made to put on his day clothes, and accidentally fumbled with his boots and tripped on the stone floor.

Both men at the door froze before Arthur chuckled, “Oh, sorry to interrupt, mate.” He cuffed Gwaine on the shoulder, causing the knight to wince awkwardly and smile.

“It’s no problem, Sire, about anything. I’ll be ready as soon as you need me.”

Arthur smiled, “I knew I could count on you, Gwaine. Thanks.”

Gwaine made to shut the door, but as he was half way Merlin tripped over his boots and crashed into Gwaine’s desk, causing a loud bang to erupt throughout the room.

Gwaine and Arthur, the noble knights that they were, immediately ran towards the sound and both stopped at the sight before them. Merlin, half dressed from the night before with his hair in disarray and night shirt, tangled with business papers and his boots thrown haphazardly around him. The look of Arthur’s betrayal was the worst thing that Merlin had ever seen, one that he had witnessed before from Morgana and Agravaine, but never had it been directed at him.

“Merlin?” He asked, his voice broken and small.

A guilt that had been built up since his affiliation with Gwaine started began to pour out from his pores as he attempted to perceive the situation, “Arthur, I can explain.”

Instead of attacking Merlin like he ought to, Arthur instead lunged toward Gwaine and pinned him against his oak doors, “What are you doing with Merlin?!” Arthur roared, his forearm against Gwaine’s throat.

“Arthur!” Merlin exclaimed, bounding up from the ground and making his way towards the two men, but Arthur held up his free hand, “Stay out of this, Merlin!”

“How?” Merlin asked fiercely, “Why can’t you include me in something with your life for once?” he asked. “If I had a second alone with you like a normal person I’d be able to tell you what’s been going on!”

“The marks on your neck.” Arthur spoke instead, turning his burning gaze from the stunned Gwaine to the guilty Merlin, “Tell me they’re not from him and I’ll forget everything.”

Merlin stayed quiet, “Arthur…” He whispered, moving a portion closer towards his king and lover but the man roared and slammed his hand against the wooden door, nearly an inch away from the knight’s head.

Everyone stood still in that moment, Gwaine and Merlin frozen in place and Arthur breathing angrily through his nose, attempting horribly to take control of his anger. “You will attend Queen Guinevere’s mission to her father’s tomb in one hour.” Arthur gritted to Gwaine, “And you are not needed this morning,” Arthur spoke towards Merlin, barely moving to indicate that he was speaking to him, but the intention was clear. With a shove against Gwaine, Arthur stormed out of the room, leaving Merlin and Gwaine to bask in their guilt. Neither could look at each other, they could only dress for their day ahead, knowing that they had betrayed the trust of the most important person in their life, for reasons differing between the two.  

“Are you going to try to reason with him?” Gwaine asked him as Merlin attempted to shuffle out the door.

Merlin stopped, his hand on the knob and thought about what he should do, “I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t seen him like that since Gwen and Lancelot.”

A hand was placed on Merlin’s shoulder, causing the sorcerer to jump slightly at the light touch, “It’s Arthur, and you’re Merlin. It’ll work out.”

Merlin eventually turned to look at Gwaine, who was attempting to hide his hurt behind a brave smile, “Gwaine, I’m sorry I did this to you.”

Gwaine gave a small chuckle and shrugged as Merlin ignored the pained look in his friend’s eyes, “I did this to myself a long time ago.”

~*~*~

Merlin kept his distance from Arthur for as long as he could, but lunch’s hour arrived, giving Merlin the opportunity to not only give Arthur food, but an explanation for his actions. He had so desperately needed to feel that love and adoration that he should have received from Arthur, but instead went the wrong ways of doing it. He betrayed the love of his king, and as he walked somberly towards his king’s chambers his hands shook slightly with the weight of Arthur’s cuisine. He released a shaky breath as he approached Arthur’s door and knocked at it three times tentatively, “Arthur?”

There was a momentary pause before a soft, “Enter.”

Merlin steadied himself and opened the door slowly before a large mass crashed into him, causing him to drop Arthur’s food. He was too stunned to make a noise, only to collide with the now-closed door and feel Arthur’s body caging him against it. Arthur’s face was livid and beyond anguish as he gazed at Merlin, giving the appearance that he was sickened to be near the younger man, but also too angry to let him leave.

“Why?!” Arthur hissed, his eyes glossy with unshed tears. “Why him…? Why wasn’t I enough?”

Merlin knitted his brows together and stood up for himself, “You weren’t enough because you choose everything over me, and I needed to feel love, too, Arthur! I’ve been suffocating under everything!” He got in Arthur’s face and the man backed away, slightly stunned that Merlin had the gall to yell at the King. “Those three years apart from you were the hardest of my life. I barely could sleep or eat at the mere thought of you being with her in that way! But Gwaine noticed, and he helped me gain my strength and energy back, without asking for anything in return, mind you!”

“That’s how you felt when you thought of Gwen and me? Imagine actually seeing the man you love with another, giving them the comfort and pleasure that should be left to you.” Arthur returned.

Merlin stood down and his heart clenched at the memory, “Arthur…”

“No, Merlin, you can’t say anything to make this better.” Arthur stepped away from him, “And despite all you think, I don’t choose everything over you. I may have other duties that require my attention, but never do they ever have more importance than what we have. You are always and forever my end goal.”

“Then why can’t you give me the satisfaction of knowing that? I understand how we need to be careful for Gwen’s sake, but it’s so hard to have the one and only person you’ll ever love set you aside. I was weak and so, so, lonely, and Gwaine was there to pick me up again. I’m not saying it was right, it was the worst mistake of my life, but I want to prove to you that I am and will always be yours.” Merlin went up to Arthur who didn’t flinch away and cupped his face, “I promise you that I will do whatever it takes to make you understand how much I love you. How I will always and forever love you, Arthur Pendragon.”

Arthur breathed evenly, his eyes closed. There was something troubling Arthur, Merlin could see the concentrated lines and the worry that came with the king’s face. “What is it, Arthur? Do you not believe me?”

“I believe you,” Arthur replied, looking Merlin in the eyes, “It’s only that I want to make you believe myself that I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ve always wanted to do that, and I failed you.”

“And now it is my turn to gain your trust back. Is that what worries you?”

“No, it’s…” Arthur’s voice died out, clearly hiding something.

“Arthur…?” Merlin asked.

Arthur let out a small breath, “If there’s a way for us to be ourselves, to be together and happy, would you do it?”

Merlin nodded, but knew there was a reason behind Arthur’s question, “What did you do?”

“It’s not important, I don’t want you to worry. But I agreed that in turn I have to make all my relationships whole, that I have to restore any hurt or mistrust that has been caused by me, and I want to start with Gwen.”

“I don’t understand, what did you agree to?”

“I agreed that when the time came, we could be together, just you and me. But in order to do that we have to leave Camelot, and the Camelot that I leave has to be repaired by my damages. I need you to trust that I know what I’m doing, and that I’m doing this all for you, Merlin. I’m doing this all for you, because you’re my heart, you’re the reason it beats, and if I lose you, I’ll lose me.”

Merlin wanted to protest and ask more about Arthur’s crazy plan, but the man looked so desperate for Merlin’s approval, and in the end they would get what they always wanted: each other. He had to trust him. Merlin nodded and embraced Arthur, the new found surge of hope of what’s to come gluing him to Arthur, “Of course, I trust you. I trust that whatever you’re doing is for us. I’ll help you repair your damages in any way, and we’ll start with Gwen.” Merlin felt Arthur’s body relax under the stress he must have been holding, “Maybe she should start staying in your chambers at night…”

Arthur tilted his head back and looked at Merlin incredulously, “And here I thought you weren’t crazy.”

“Arthur, she needs to feel connected to you more than any person. It’s why she’s always so upset, because you push her away. Maybe it’s time to accept her into your life.”

Arthur traced Merlin’s cheek with his finger, “And what about you?”

“It’s going to be hard,” Merlin replied honestly, “But now I know we’re doing it for the right reasons. We’re making Gwen happy. We… we can’t always be selfish, especially with her feelings at risk. We forgot that.”

“Alright. I’ll talk with her. After she gets back from her trip I’ll let her know.” The sight of Arthur’s happiness caused a lightness in Merlin he hadn’t felt in a long time. They were going to be happy, and though Merlin didn’t know what Arthur had done, he trusted Arthur and he trusted that they would be together. This would be their new destiny.


	15. Talk Me Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur sometimes needs to be talked down, and other times, he doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been my most requested scene so far in the series, so here it is! I hope it lives up to everyone's expectations! The title comes from the song, "Talk Me Down," by Troye Sivan (seriously, it's unbelievable). Enjoy reading!

Sleeping with Guinevere by his side turned out to be a lot harder than Arthur originally thought possible. He eventually agreed with Merlin that if he wanted to make the Queen happy and restore their relationship to a place where Camelot will flourish once he is gone, he needed to spend more time with her. Before they were married they had been such great friends, but the shroud of their otherwise false marriage has shrunk it to timid behavior and side glances. And all of this so Merlin could feel like the unwanted member of this party?

_No_ , Arthur thought, _I won’t make that mistake again_. Merlin was his everything, and he was failing at showing him that fact. He had failed, and because of it an emotionally vulnerable and shaken Merlin took comfort with _Gwaine_. As he laid in his bed, the presence he felt next to him moved marginally, and Arthur wished more than anything that it was Merlin, so that he could curl up with him and whisper apology after apology into his porcelain skin. The presence sighed, and the tone of it was too soft, too feminine, causing Arthur to nearly wince. He wanted Merlin, but he was doing this for him. Every action he did from the moment he agreed with the Disir to give up everything to the moment everything is taken from him will be for Merlin. As long as he had Merlin, it will all be worth it.

“Arthur,” Gwen spoke softly, “Are you well?”

Arthur didn’t realize, but his whole body was tensed, his brow set in a firm line.

“Yes, I was just thinking.” He sat up and rose from the bed and smiled at Gwen, “Would you like breakfast?”

“Oh, that’d be lovely!” Gwen replied, attempting to get out of bed, but Arthur stopped her.

“No, stay, I’ll be right back.” He assured her with a smile.

Gwen’s eyes widened slightly and a hesitant smile came on her face, “Alright…” She rested her head against the headboard. “You know, our anniversary is in a month, this would be a lovely start to our day then as well!”

A chill ran down his spine. Their anniversary, he would have to remember that, or have Merlin remember, he always was so skilled in remembering things. “Of course, my Lady.”

Arthur reached the door when Gwen called his name, causing the king to turn around, “Don’t be late.” she told him, her smile playful but her tone short with finality. Something felt off, but he couldn’t quite place it, so instead he merely nodded and left the room. He needed to remind himself that he would have to get the breakfast, or find someone to get it for him, because he was in fact not on his way to the kitchen, but to Gwaine’s room. There was some unfinished business he had with the knight.

However, after waiting for Gwaine to answer his door and getting no reply, Arthur left to find the knight elsewhere. He no longer felt that burning anger towards Merlin, that was merely an in-the-moment and out-of-control anger that he is known for having, but Gwaine still knew better. He was a smart man behind his persona of the braun with great hair.

After finding a servant and ordering her to bring breakfast to the Queen, Arthur eventually found the knight who was on the training grounds early (earning an ounce of respect back from his king), practicing his combat against a weighted bag. Arthur approached the knight and took off his glove before tossing it in front of Gwaine, letting the knight stop his practices to see who had challenged him.

“And who have I offended today-- _my Lord_?” Gwaine asked in a joking tone before realizing it was Arthur, surprised by his joiner no doubt.

“I’d answer you, but I think you know the answer.” Arthur replied in a clipped tone.

“Are you… you’re serious?”

“Quite, Gwaine.” Arthur said leisurely, his hand on the hilt of his sword resting against his hip, “Unless you want to be a coward _and_ a thief.”

Gwaine’s eyes narrowed slightly and his mouth pursed as he knelt down to pick up the glove, but Arthur attacked at once, kicking back Gwaine by the heel of his foot against the knight’s shoulder, sending him back with an “Oof!”

“You must always be prepared in a battle, _good_ Sir Knight.” Arthur instructed, pulling his sword from its sheath and twirling it just like Arthur does best. “You wouldn’t want to be caught unaware.”

Gwaine was clearly agitated by that point, but he composed himself and climbed to his feet, whipping his hair out of the way and using his sword located nearby, “Yes, Sire.” He gruffed, eyeing Arthur in order to calculate his next move.

Arthur made the first move to attack, side swiping Gwaine who blocked it just in time to counter the blow, but Arthur used Gwaine’s momentum against him and shoved into him with his shoulder in order to push Gwaine back. It wasn’t even calculated fighting anymore, Arthur was just angry. He circled around Gwaine again and swung his sword towards the knight who had finally snapped and used all he had against his king who in turn used his anger to surge himself forward.

The two continued to smash their swords against the other’s, but it was Arthur who managed to come out in the end after a brutal mistake by Gwaine who took his eye off the king for a second, and before Gwaine knew it Arthur swung his fist to Gwaine’s face and he was flat on the ground. Both panting heavily, Arthur stood above Gwaine, his face still pained and angry, “I trusted you.” Arthur said, “I let it go because of Gwen’s disappearance and her rescue because I needed you, but you’ve gone long enough without any consequences for your actions.”

Gwaine continued to stay on the grass, his chest rising and falling quickly from the challenge of competing against Arthur, “Sire--”

“No, Gwaine.” Arthur hissed, aiming his sword right at Gwaine’s heart. He wasn’t going to kill the knight by any means, but it didn’t hurt to let Gwaine think that it wasn’t off the table. “What you did… and you _knew_ … about us.” Arthur’s sword began to shake slightly with the added emotion.

“Arthur, I’m so sorry.” Gwaine finally responded, sitting up slowly enough so that Arthur didn’t impale him. “What I did was unforgivable. I broke your trust and if you’ll still let me stay in Camelot, I’ll spend the rest of my days making it up to you.”

Arthur kept his sword steady for a few moments before dropping it in defeat, his head hanging slightly from the weight of it all. He had made his point, and he needed to think about his relationship with Gwaine. Would he be able to leave Camelot a better place if Gwaine wasn’t on his side?  “You’re excused, Gwaine. Just--, please, don’t let me regret it.”

Gwaine stood slowly and Arthur watched as he gathered his things, a bruise forming on his left cheekbone, “Merlin loves you more than anything or anyone. There’s nothing he wouldn’t do for you. Please just remember that.”

Arthur nodded, “I will.”

~*~*~

The king returned to his chambers, his body sore and his mind emotionally wrecked from his interaction with Gwaine. He wondered if he would ever fully trust the knight again, the hurt still cutting deep every time his mind wandered. He was tired, he wanted Merlin, but he needed to think about the future. He needed to talk himself down.

Gwen was nowhere to be found, but his heart fluttered at the sight and sound of Merlin folding his laundry and setting it on his bed. Arthur could merely stand in pure peace as his meaning for existing continued his pattern. Eventually, blue eyes met blue and Merlin smiled a soft and quiet show of happiness. Before he could stop himself, his body moved towards his manservant and enveloped him into a hug, their bodies melding together like they always. Arthur’s arms wrapped around Merlin’s, his hand reaching into Merlin’s black hair as his face buried into the crook of Merlin’s neck, letting his scent course through his veins.

Merlin smiled against Arthur and embraced him back, his face resting against Arthur’s as they shared a quiet moment together. “Are you alright?” Merlin whispered, kneading Arthur’s tense muscles.

“I love you,” Arthur replied, pressing a kiss to Merlin’s skin.

Merlin exhaled shakily, “I love you, too.” He responded, nudging Arthur’s face with his delicate fingers so that their lips could meet in a sweet kiss. “I don’t want us to deny ourselves any longer. We’ll make Gwen happy, but I don’t want us to be miserable doing it.” His tongue met with Arthur’s, their bodies responding to the friction.

“Yes,” Arthur breathed into Merlin’s mouth, his fist kneading into Merlin’s black hair, “I’ll never deny you anything ever again.”

They fell together onto the King’s bed, forgetting the pile of tunics as they continued to embrace, their clothes falling from their skin by the other’s will. Being with Merlin was the most simplistic thing in the world, they never had to pretend to be anyone else. Sometimes Arthur needed talking down, but when it came to Merlin, he could do nothing but be himself. He could only be close to him, be happy with him, because Merlin was his home, and he always would be.


	16. Talking in Code

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There was something off about Gwen... and Merlin couldn't quite figure out what is was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Twice in one week! I'm getting back to normal! I'm finding inspiration more and more everyday with this story, and it's making me so happy! We're getting into the seventh episode already! How crazy is that! If I mapped everything out correctly it's either going to be twenty-two or twenty-three chapters, so keep an eye out for that! The title of this chapter comes from the song "Talking in Code" by Margot and the Nuclear So and So's. Happy Reading!

The next month rolled by without event, though for Merlin it had been an extremely happy one. Himself and Arthur were as together as they could be, and Gwen appeared to be happy which made Arthur happy. Merlin still couldn’t get it out of Arthur why it was so important for him to make his relationships stable, but in the end Merlin could only trust his king and lover. Merlin had his secrets as well, so he supposed that ARthur, too, could have secrets of his own. Regardless, they were going to be together, that was all that mattered.

What surprised Merlin the most about his happiness was that even though Gwen spent most nights with Arthur in his chambers (Arthur assuring that nothing was happening, to which Merlin burst out laughing from the hilarity of the idea), was that because he still had Arthur in heart and body he was able to ease his anxiety about the situation.

Though it was odd, because before Gwen had a slight vindictive tone in her words and actions whenever Merlin was around, because she knew whom her husband truly loved, but ever since her return from the Dark Tower she seemed to be oblivious to it all, almost like she had forgotten. When Gwen was present the two remained friendly like always, but there was always that thrill of tension between the two, but Gwen acted as if nothing was out of the ordinary. Perhaps she was allowing the two to be romantic with each other, realizing true love couldn’t be stopped, but somehow Merlin knew that wasn’t the answer. It was too simple.

The night before the anniversary of the King and Queen’s wedding, Gwen chose to sleep in her own chambers, claiming she wanted a full night’s rest. Merlin never protested when Guinevere wanted to spend her own time in her chambers, because it gave Merlin and Arthur ample time to spend together. And besides, it was bath night for Arthur, one of Merlin’s favorite pastimes. Not only did he get to lovingly dote on his clotpole, but he could appreciate the physical aspect of it, too.

After peppering Arthur with kisses and massaging his tense muscles, Arthur’s bath drew to a close, and the golden king rose and confidently made his way to Merlin who was holding out his towel. Arthur wrapped himself around the waist with his towel and Merlin couldn’t help himself and pulled the king in for a passionate kiss, causing a happy Arthur to hum against his lips.

“How would you like a picnic tomorrow?” Arthur murmured, eventually pulling away from Merlin’s lips.

Merlin rolled his eyes, Arthur was such a prat, “You’ve no idea what tomorrow is, don’t you?”

Merlin laughed as a dumbstruck Arthur remained silent, “It’s the anniversary of your marriage with Guinevere.” Though it did send a small thrill of happiness knowing that he didn’t remember the date.

“Oh. Right…” Arthur blushed slightly, embarrassed, “Well, we’ll just invite her along. Problem solved.” Arthur kissed Merlin again and went to put on his sleeping trousers.

“Oh, she’ll love that!” Merlin sassed back, untucking the bed so it’d be ready for Arthur, “ _‘Hello, dear wife, happy anniversary! Do you want to go on a picnic with Merlin and me? It won’t be obvious that I’m bedding him again!’_ ” Merlin imitated Arthur in an overly pompous manner.

Arthur glared at Merlin, unimpressed, “Well, I want a picnic and we all could use some fresh air. I’ll let her know tomorrow what we’re doing. She’ll understand.”

~*~*~

Though Gwen most likely, while not fully accept the idea, should know that it would be important for Merlin to be with Arthur, as it was an important day for them as well, was oblivious as to why they needed to all be together, leaving Merlin in the middle of an awkward conversation.

“I just,” Arthur cleared his throat, “Figured we could use his help for the picnic…” Arthur offered, confused as to why Gwen didn’t understand their reasoning.

Gwen eventually accepted that Merlin was coming with the two of them on their picnic, but Merlin continued to be wary of Gwen, her actions continuing to be ones that reminded Merlin of the normal Guinevere. What surprised Merlin the most was the incident that interrupted the three in the forest. While the three were being attacked by the bandits, and Merlin immediately scrambled to save his lover, Gwen simply stayed on her horse and watch, almost as if she was waiting for something to happen.

After the men were slain by Arthur, Merlin ran to the king and rested his forehead against Arthur’s as he searched frantically for any sustained wounds. “Oh Gods, Arthur, are you okay? Are you hurt? I was so scared…” Merlin rambled as he helped Arthur to his feet, keeping his hands attached to the king.

As Merlin helped Arthur on his horse and Arthur repeating over and over that he was fine and that the cut on his arm was only superficial, Arthur stopped in mid sentence and stared ahead, causing Merlin to look himself. Before them was Gwen, who was still sitting on her horse, but her face was twisted in one of confusion and surprise, almost as if she was surprised that Merlin had cared so much about Arthur’s wellbeing.

Merlin’s suspicions about the queen continued into the day after the discovery of Tyr Seward’s hand in the attempt on Arthur’s life. Normally willing to go above and beyond to prove someone’s innocence, especially when it came to a loyal friend, Gwen was now willing to let Tyr die despite his desperate pleading that he was anything but guilty. They only thing that stopped him from revealing any secrets was the risk of his mother’s safety, and Merlin thought it commendable that a son would go so far to save his mother if it wasn’t potentially putting Arthur’s life in further danger.

As the night passed and the day lengthened, more and more things that Gwen did caused Merlin to ponder her wellbeing. She wasn’t acting as if she was ill, but the things she would do, the words she would say, they all just didn’t seem to fit the queen. If Merlin was uneasy about leaving Arthur alone with anyone but himself before, it was now much higher. Only the select few knights of Camelot and himself he knew he could fully trust, and he couldn’t figure out why Gwen wasn’t in that circle anymore.

After learning of the attack right outside the city walls, and of Gwaine’s injury, Gaius, Arthur and Merlin all traveled together to inspect the knight and hopefully get any information from him. Arthur and Gwaine had been distant the past month, Merlin knowing more than anyone the reason as to why that was, but there was still a loyal bond between the men, something that Merlin was more than thankful for. Gwaine truly belonged in Camelot as one of Arthur’s most trusted knights, no matter what they had done before.

Merlin had stayed directly next to Arthur the entire time they were in Gwaine’s chambers, his fingers less than an inch from Arthur’s chainmail that rested against the knight’s chair, wanting to reassure him where his heart truly belonged. It was admittedly an awkward encounter, but they managed through for the sake of Gaius, who didn’t know anything of anyone’s secret affairs.

“Well, until we have more to go on this is idle speculation.” Arthur spoke, and he turned to Merlin, “Gaius, Merlin, see what you can find in the woods. Perhaps there’s something we overlooked.”

Gwaine sat up and made to stand, “I’ll go with them--”

Arthur’s face looked strained and Merlin nearly protested the knight’s kind offer, but Gaius interrupted before anyone could say anything. “You’ll do no such thing. You’ll rest, Gwaine. Physician’s orders.” Gaius spoke, rising from Gwaine’s table and leaving the room. He would give the men a few minutes before Merlin and him would leave for the woods. Merlin walked towards Gwaine, gaining a long look from Arthur, but Merlin gave him a sympathetic look, and Arthur eventually backed down with a small nod. He left right after Gaius, never looking back at the two.

Finding a seat next to the knight, Merlin watched as Gwaine remained silent and took a gulp of wine. Merlin hoped that he wasn’t drinking more than normal. “I don’t think this is over…” Merlin spoke softly, gathering up the medical basket.

Gwaine turned to him, “What do you mean?”

“Whoever is responsible for Arthur’s attack, what’s to stop them from doing it again?”

“There’s not a chance,” Gwaine replied honestly, “The citadel is on full alert, every entrance and exit is being watched.” He took another gulp of wine from his goblet. “Trust me, Arthur’s safe as long as he remains in Camelot.”

“That’s just it,” Merlin insisted, “What if he’s not safe here? What if Camelot is the most dangerous place that he can be?” Merlin stopped for a moment to watch in idle fascination as Gwaine took another swig of wine. “Who could have access to the stables? Who could have know their way out of the cells? Who knew that Tyr would do anything to protect his mother.”

Gwaine sighed softly and looked down at the table, so Merlin continued, “You need to stay close to Arthur and do whatever you can to protect him.”

Gwaine met Merlin’s eyes, his emotions indecipherable, “You have my word on that, Merlin.”

Before Merlin could let his emotions cloud his judgement and bring up their failed romance, Merlin nodded a brief thanks and left Gwaine’s chambers, glad to know that Gwaine would do anything to protect Arthur and soon Merlin would get answers. He reached the front doors of the citadel and was stopped by a soft voice from behind him, “You really care for the king, don’t you?”

Merlin turned around quickly, stunned by the sentence, and saw Gwen standing in the middle of the hall, her face void of any emotions.

“O-Of course, my Lady.” Merlin replied, unsure of Gwen’s motive.

“It’s so nice to see such loyalty in Camelot, even if it’s just from the servants.” Gwen replied, her voice edging on dark as he walked closer to Merlin.

Merlin was so struck by what Gwen had said he could barely get a syllable out of his mouth, he could only stand motionless as the Queen strode around the manservant, making him feel like a prey about to be attacked, “And the funny thing is, the king shows the same loyalty to you. He is quite… _fond_ , of you.”

Merlin’s heart raced in his chest, the urge to flee from the Queen on the verge of desperate, “I really must help Gaius in the woods. We need to find who is planning on attacking Arth--, the _King_ , again…”

“Yes, I suppose you do.” She allowed, motioning for Merlin to leave, “Oh, and Merlin?” She called, causing the manservant to look back at the Queen, “Be careful. You never know who might try and hurt you.”


	17. Draw Your Swords

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Knowing too much can be a burden sometimes, especially Merlin who finally knows about Gwen's plot to kill the king.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Title of this chapter comes from the song "Draw Your Swords" by Angus and Julia Stone! Thanks everyone for reading, I hope you enjoy!

Very rarely did Merlin enjoy being right nowadays. However, the sinking feeling of dread that was looming over him couldn’t be ignored, and he solidified a thought he wished desperately to be false: Gwen was possibly the traitor. He couldn’t explain her recent actions since returning from the Dark Tower, though Gaius told him it was merely because of her experience inside it. He agreed initially, because it was a decent assumption to make, but after his last conversation, something was most definitely wrong. Maybe she knew about Merlin and Arthur renewing their relationship again, which seemed likely, and yet she still had the aura of surprise whenever the two did anything remotely intimate, like she couldn’t fathom why they were doing what they were doing.

He contemplated his newest thought as he tossed a pile of clothes from Arthur’s basket into the wash, his mind whirling around the possibilities of what this could mean for the king and queen when Merlin found it: the cloak which perfectly matched the sample of cloth found in the woods. Whipping around to grab the piece of cloth to examine if it was a match, though he already knew the answer, his trembling hands shook as he held the two fabrics together and let out a shaking breath when he realized they were one in the same.

Gwen was trying to kill Arthur.

Merlin dropped everything and sprinted towards Arthur’s chambers, bypassing his friends and fellow servants on the way, ignoring everyone in order to get to Arthur as soon as possible before Gwen tried to hurt Arthur again. For reasons unknown to Merlin, Gwen was trying to kill her husband, and Merlin would rather die than to see that happen. Merlin would doing anything to stop that from happening. Anything.

“ARTHUR!” Merlin yelled once he rounded the corner and reached the hall outside Arthur’s chambers, hoping to catch the king in the middle of something before anything terrible would happen.

However, as Merlin threw the doors open in order to find Arthur, he stopped in place when he saw the pale likeness of his lover lying limp in his dining chair, Gwen nowhere to be seen. Everything in Merlin stood still as his world fell apart before instinct drew him to Arthur as he inspected him, tear unabashedly running down his cheeks as he whispered, “No, no, _no_ …” repeatedly. The only thrill of hope he could find was the dull thud of a pulse from Arthur’s wrist, the rest of him looked too close to death.

Merlin ran his hands through Arthur’s blond hair and felt his damp forehead and saw the corruption of his skin around his ear. He had been poisoned. “ _Arthur_!” Merlin sobbed, clinging Arthur to his body, his magic flowing freely in an attempt to heal Arthur as the sorcerer continued to sob against his king, but he failed. “No, please, don’t leave me! _Please_!” Merlin collapsed on the floor and pulled Arthur with him so that Merlin was cradling him. “Guards! Someone! Help me!”

It was a few minutes before any guards came at the sound of Merlin’s desperate pleas, and a few more minutes before Gaius made his way into the king’s chambers in order to inspect Arthur’s body. By that time, Gwen and Arthur’s closest knights found themselves in the same room where they had to console an emotional Merlin. Elyan was the only person to make sure Gwen was alright. Gwen and Merlin shared a look, and Merlin nearly threw her across the room when the slightest flicker of a smirk stretched across her lips.

“Gentlemen,” Gaius spoke up, and the knights left a fuming Merlin in the shadows, as to not throw suspicion as to why he was glaring down the queen of Camelot, in order to stand by the Queen. “All the evidence suggests that the king has been poisoned.”

“Are you certain, Gaius?” Guinevere spoke up, causing Merlin to grind his teeth and balled his fist to his mouth before he spoke out of turn.

“Quite certain,” Gaius replied, “The sweating, the corruption of the skin, and the traces of tincture around the ear; they all point to the use of henbane.”

Gwen sighed, “So is there no hope?”

Gaius looked at Arthur and then back at the Queen, choosing his words carefully, “The poison is a deadly one, Milady. There may be a way to arrest his course, but I cannot guarantee it.”

Gwen took a few breaths and looked around the room, “One thing I know for certain… whoever did this lives among us. Whoever has done this has betrayed us all. Someone who is free to roam the citadel as they please. Someone who has access to the king’s stables. The king’s prison. Even the king’s food.”

Merlin squinted his eyes and tried to figure out Gwen’s motive for saying these things, for they all pointed to Gwen herself. Perhaps she was being possessed and had no recollection of attempting to murder Arthur?

“There is only one I know of,” Gwen continued, and before Merlin knew what was happening, Gwen turned and faced him, “... _Merlin_.”

The pure rage that erupted in Merlin was one that he had never felt before. The complete idiocy of her claim, that Merlin, Arthur’s lover, would do anything to hurt him was beyond insane to Merlin. His fist was wound so tightly his nails caused his skin to break, but he could do nothing else.

“My lady,” Leon spoke gently, “I highly doubt Merlin would do anything to hurt the king.”

“I can vouch for Merlin, your highness.” Gwaine spoke up, standing tall and proud despite the emotional journey that Merlin’s relationship with Arthur had done to him, “Merlin would never harm Arthur.”

The queen turned on the knights who lost some of their luster, “Are you questioning your queen?” She seethed.

“N-No,” Leon stuttered, blinking twice before continuing slowly, “I just think that there are other options to consider. Merlin has always been loyal to Arthur.”

The pride and friendship Merlin felt for the knights soothed some of the hurt that he felt, but Gwen was still on a rampage.

“And who are you more loyal to, Leon?” Gwen questioned, standing up to the knight even though he was much taller than her, “A lowly servant--?” Gwaine piped up, attempting to argue but Gwen stopped him with an icy glare before standing up to him, “Or your own Queen?”

No one answered, and pure rage was replaced with fear. They would have to be loyal to the Queen, it was their only choice. However, no one moved, so Gwen called for the guards who were standing watch outside to pull Merlin away. The knights could only stand and watch, but Merlin understood their position and held no grudge towards them. The only emotion he felt was dread for Arthur’s safety and wrath towards the Queen Assassin.

“Keep Arthur safe!” Merlin bellowed as the guards pulled him away, Gwaine looking highly conflicted and Leon unconvinced of the situation. Gwaine knew the truth, and something told Merlin Leon did as well, and it gave him hope that the wrath of Gwen couldn’t get him killed or Arthur killed.

~*~*~

It was awhile before anyone would let Gaius visit Merlin, but having held such a long position as physician gave Gaius leverage against the people holding Merlin in his cell, namely a guard whom Gaius saved not even a month previous from a whooping cough.

Merlin was hunched in his cell, his tears flowing down his cheeks as he hugged his knees to his chest, trying to soothe himself from the situation. Arthur was currently dying from a poison his wife and the queen of Camelot had given him, and Merlin was the one under the blame. The betrayal Merlin felt towards Gwen hurt more than anything, considering the past month he had been so caring towards her, trying to gain back a friendship they once had, and now he didn’t know if he was ever going to see Arthur again, let alone another day. For as long as he lived, he would never trust Gwen the way he once did.

“Merlin,” Gaius spoke softly as he approached his cell.

Merlin looked up at the physician and pulled himself to his feet in a hurry, “How’s Arthur?!”

Gaius sighed, “He’s no different, Merlin.”

Merlin’s face scrunched in a pained expression and sobbed more, clutching the iron bars as he shoulders shook. “We have to save him, Gaius. From the poison, and...”

“And?” Gaius asked, motioning him forward.

Merlin sniffled, “It’s Gwen. She’s the one who poisoned Arthur.”

Gaius’ eyebrows shot upward, “Gwen? Why would she poison her husband?”

If it wasn’t for the darkness, Merlin’s blush would have been apparent, “I don’t know for sure, but I think she’s working with Morgana. She’s been acting different since she came back from the Dark Tower. She’s not quite herself.”

“It would explain things.” Gaius confirmed, “But I’ll talk to her and see if you’re right. But of all people, why would she blame you? Why does she want to get rid of you so badly?”

Merlin wiped his face and decided to tell Gaius the truth; because of all people, Gaius would understand. “I think she’s jealous of my connection with Arthur. We’re, _err_ , closer than she is with Arthur.” He cleared his throat.

Gaius raised an eyebrow but otherwise his face remained impassive, “I see.” And suddenly Gaius looked at him as if everything that he’s experienced with Merlin the past ten years had made sense, “How long has this been going on?”

Merlin cracked a small smile, “Longer than you’d think.” Thinking back to the current situation, Merlin reached for Gaius’ hand and held it tightly, “Gaius, I can’t lose him. I… I just can’t.”

Gaius placed his other hand on top of Merlin’s and held it, “First I have to talk with Guinevere and update her on the king’s health and then I’ll report back to you. If Gwen’s truly trying to kill the king, we need a plan that will keep her from succeeding. You’re not going to lose Arthur.” Merlin nodded and pulled away from his guardian. He was eager to hear back from him so that he can cure Arthur and most importantly warn him of Guinevere’s treachery. Even if it meant Merlin’s demise.


	18. If I Should Go Before You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5x08. After dying once again at the hands of Morgana's poison, enough is enough for Merlin. He must tell Arthur the truth about Guinevere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, hey.... fancy seeing you here... *hides* So, I deeply apologize for my disappearance. There are just some chapters that are so hard for me to write, and this (obviously) was one of them. I apologize for the wait, but I hope it was worth it for you! We're nearly done! This chapter title comes from the song by the same name by City and Colour. Happy reading!

Merlin could tell Arthur was more affectionate than normal after the night where Arthur nearly lost his life. Granted, if Merlin hadn’t escaped and saved Arthur’s life, he too would have been sent to his death soon after his king. Of course, Merlin wouldn’t have been able to die, but Arthur didn’t know that. This caused the king to set his priorities as such: Merlin… and everything else. At least that’s how it felt to Merlin, who was living for the attention he was getting from Arthur, among other things. 

“Arthur,” Merlin spoke as he entered Arthur’s chambers without knocking, “I was thinking--” the sight of Arthur holding a large vase of flowers ceased his speech and he quirked an eyebrow, “What are those?” Merlin then noticed the copious amounts of flowers placed on the table, “And what are these?”

“Err, nothing.” Arthur responded with a blush to his cheeks. He set the flowers he currently held on his desk near his bed and faced Merlin, “I thought you were going to take longer to get my dinner.”

Merlin grinned, his eyebrow still quirked, “The cook told me to leave her dumplings alone and that she’d bring the meal to you.” The sorcerer waltzed further into Arthur’s chambers and admired the flowers before him, “Lovely flowers… what’s the occasion?” 

Again, Arthur blushed, “Well, it’s been a month since the incident, and I still feel terrible about everything that happened to you.” Merlin and Arthur met halfway and embraced, Arthur pulled Merlin against him and wrapped his arms around Merlin’s firm waist, “So I figured we could have a night to ourselves.” 

Merlin hummed against Arthur’s frame and traced Arthur’s face with his lips, leaving a soft trail, revelling in the feel of his king doing so much for him. “That’s awfully kind of you, my Lord.” 

Arthur groaned in Merlin’s ear. Merlin knew exactly what it did to Arthur when he called him by his title. “Merlin, I don’t know…” he paused in his sentence but continued to trace Merlin’s body with his sure hands, “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you.” 

Arthur was close to getting emotional, but Merlin silenced his worries with a kiss and a soft smile, “I’m here. You won’t lose me.”

“But--” 

“Do you really think you can get rid of me that easily?” Merlin teased, “I’m going to be around for a long time. Just you wait and see.”

Arthur chuckled and pressed his lips to Merlin’s sweetly, “How about you light us some candles and we take this to bed, yeah?” 

Merlin’s eyes perked up and he left the embrace of his king to light the candles surrounding Arthur’s bed. As he lit the first candle a hurried knock interrupted the two men; once Arthur gave the joiner permission to enter, the two were slightly less worried when they were greeted with the sight of Sir Leon. 

“Leon, what brings you here at this hour?” Arthur asked, giving himself and Merlin some distance. There was no use hiding from Leon, Merlin suspected that the knight had some inkling of their true relationship ever since the night he and Gwaine stood up for Merlin, but Sir Leon was first and foremost a Knight of the Law and followed the laws better than anyone. 

“I was just finishing patrol with Her Majesty the Queen, and I thought I’d inform you the Queen plans on visiting you tonight.” 

Merlin and Arthur shared a look of panic before hiding it quickly, “Thank you, Leon. You are most helpful.” Arthur told his second in command. The knight nodded and shared a guilty glance at the two men before taking his leave of the night. 

The buildup of anger and jealousy welled within Merlin who wanted desperately to tell Arthur of Gwen’s betrayal, but he didn’t have any concrete proof, and without it he was left in the dark. Arthur must have seen Merlin’s disappointed stature, because the blond made his way to Merlin and wrapped himself around Merlin’s frame from behind and held him tightly, “I’m sorry tonight didn’t go as planned.”

“Yeah, me too.” Merlin grumbled, melting into Arthur’s frame.

“I’ll make it up to you tomorrow?” Arthur asked, a hopeful tone escaping his lips which were beginning to run along Merlin’s neck, causing the man to shiver. 

“You better.” Merlin breathed, desperately wanting to continue the loving attention from Arthur, but he knew Gwen would arrive at any moment, “I should finish lighting these candles for you. She’s going to think they’re for her.”

Arthur winced as Merlin drew away from Arthur and looked around at his handy work, “Soon we won’t have to hide, Merlin. I promise.” 

Merlin was about to ask Arthur what he meant by his sentence, but the door opened to Arthur’s chambers, revealing the queen. She regarded the flowers and eyed Merlin for the briefest of seconds before displaying large smile on her face, “Oh Arthur! This is so sweet! You’ve gone to all this trouble!”

Merlin and Gwen made eye contact and she smirked slightly at him, knowing, before turning back to Arthur, “And Gilliflowers, my favorite! You remembered…” She draped herself onto Arthur, who nodded in agreement and hugged her back before looking at Merlin with a semi-horrified expression. Merlin grew furious. “Did you miss me?” She asked, gaining a slight hum from Arthur who went along with Gwen’s romantic portrayal. 

Merlin was about to throw Gwen off Arthur with one magical thought, but Arthur made eye contact with him and Merlin instantly knew what he was trying to say, ‘ _ Get out now before it gets any worse for the both of us _ .’ But all he needed to say was, “Merlin, it’s late… you should probably…” 

However, Merlin was way ahead of him and made his way past the two and running into Gwen out of spite. “Thank you, Sire…”

Merlin was nearly to the door when Gwen spoke softly, “Oh Merlin?” 

The sorcerer forcefully turned to meet the Queen who still was draping herself onto Arthur, “Before you go, I’d love a hot bath.”

Merlin bit back a smart reply and merely said, “Certainly, my Lady.” before leaving the room as quickly as possible, desperately trying to ignore the sounds of glee and laughter coming from the queen.

**~*~*~**

“ _ I don’t know what I would do if I lost you _ .” The sentence Arthur had spoken so sweetly in Merlin’s ear now echoed repeatedly as the deadly poison Morgana forced down Merlin’s throat Slithered its way through his system. It was a pain Merlin had never felt before; worse than the Serket’s venom, worse than any cut from a knife. He wondered as his life slowly dwindled to a stop if this is what Arthur experienced when Gwen poisoned him, the terrifying thought of what comes next, and with one last labored breath Merlin stilled, knowing he’d return and finally tell Arthur about Queen Guinevere. 

~*~*~

“I still can’t believe how lucky I was. I owe that boy my life, and I don’t know who he was or where he’s from.” Arthur commented at the dinner table, and turned to Merlin who was preparing the wine, “You need to make sure he has a proper burial.”

Merlin faced Arthur and spoke softly, “I’ll do that. If you’ll allow me the time.” It was the least he could do, for without Daegal Arthur’s life would have been lost, and Gwen truly would have one. 

“Oh,” Arthur spoke in a light tone, “so you can go visit that girl again?” 

Merlin stopped in his tracks and gazed at Arthur, “What?” He asked, nearly chuckling. He set down Gwen’s food and noticed that she looked uncomfortable. Merlin locked eyes with her and gave her a look of  _ What did you do now? _

“The girl,” Arthur drawled, a smile on his face. The only thing more improbable than Merlin being with a  _ girl _ was Merlin being with a girl and  _ lying _ about it to Arthur. 

Merlin limped back to the table, annoyed at Gwen, “I don’t have one.” 

“That’s not what Guinevere tells me.” Arthur replied, his tone somewhat questioning. 

_ He’s getting suspicious _ , Merlin concluded, feeling hopeful. 

“So,” Arthur continued, “why don’t you tell us all about her.”

Merlin had half a mind to say she was tall, blond, and wore a crown most perfectly, but he stopped himself. There was a right time to tell Arthur about Guinevere, and now wasn’t it. He would tell him after dinner. “Right.” He walked towards Gwen, a look of victory on his face. She’d lost.

“...And why you’re walking with a limp.” Arthur spoke, a tone of jealousy etching into his words. 

~*~*~

Merlin truly intended on telling Arthur about Guinevere’s betrayal after Daegal’s burial, but the moment the sorcerer entered the King’s chambers he was immediately surrounded by Arthur and attacked with desperate kisses. 

Merlin chuckled and pulled Arthur away just enough so he could look at him properly, “What’s all this for?” 

Arthur pulled Merlin with him to the bed and they fell together, Arthur making his way on top of Merlin and working both of their clothes off, “I haven’t seen you in days, and I was so worried that I’d never see you again.” Arthur took one of Merlin’s nipples in his mouth and lavished it with his tongue, causing Merlin to gasp at the sensation. 

“And what was with Gwen saying you were with a  _ girl _ ?” Arthur asked incredulously, palming Merlin’s erection through his trousers. “Like, of all the things you could be with, a girl?” Arthur laughed at the hilarity before gazing into Merlin’s blue eyes and noticing how sad they were. “Merlin, what’s wrong?” 

“Arthur, I need to tell you something…” Merlin replied, cupping Arthur’s face with his hands. 

“Let me fuck you first so that I’ll truly know why you’re limping,” Arthur whispered into Merlin’s ear, working off Merlin’s trousers, “and then we can--”

Merlin hissed when Arthur grazed the wound on his leg, causing Arthur to immediately stop in his actions and zero in on what was hurting Merlin. 

“You’re hurt?” Arthur asked, lightly touching Merlin’s bandaged leg. 

“It was why I was away.” Merlin spoke softly, sitting up and covering his hand with Arthur’s. 

Arthur looked at it questioningly and then at Merlin, “What happened?” 

“It was Morgana.” Merlin told Arthur, and Arthur grew furious, but Merlin continued, “I was poisoned by her in the woods when I was helping the young boy’s sister who was sick.” He didn’t bother mentioning Daegal’s betrayal, Merlin wasn’t angry about it anymore. 

“I don’t understand. How did she find you? And why would she want you dead?” Arthur asked, pulling Merlin in for a tight embrace. 

Merlin revelled in Arthur’s touch, knowing that soon he would lose all care and happiness with what Merlin was about to say next. Merlin took a deep breath and kissed Arthur softly, “You know I love you, and I would never lie to you.”

Arthur looked at Merlin questioningly, but nodded his affirmation. 

“Morgana knew where I was… because of Gwen.”

Arthur still looked confused, “I… I don’t understand.”

Teared welled in Merlin’s eyes and he looked at Arthur, “Ever since she returned from the Tower, I think she’s been working with Morgana. The poisoned that nearly killed you, she got it from Morgana and tried to pin it on me. Something’s wrong, Arthur. She’s always confused when she sees us being intimate together, like she doesn’t know. She must have been brainwashed by her, so when she discovered that we are lovers, she grew furious. Since then, she’s been trying to kill us.”

Arthur took a moment to process the information, his chest rising and falling rapidly. The look of betrayal and pure rage claimed his face and he ripped himself away the bed, pulling his trousers on in the process.

“Where are you going?” Merlin asked, frantic.

“I am going to have a word with the Queen.” Arthur spoke viciously.


	19. I Really See You Upside Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Combining episodes nine and ten, we show the relationship between Arthur, Merlin and Gwen grow closer, only to be threatened to lose everything when Morgana eventually declares war on Camelot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I combined episodes nine and ten in this episode, so be conscientious of that! They both reiterated what I wanted to get out of this chapter, which is that Merlin and Arthur are working on their relationship with Gwen. This is the last chapter where I'm blocked, I swear! These next two chapters I have lined up already for you all, so expect them very shortly! ONLY FOUR MORE CHAPTERS LEFT! Can you believe it?? The title of this chapter comes from the song "A Lack of Color" by Death Cab for Cutie. Happy reading!

Merlin quickly followed a determined Arthur out of the King’s chambers. Calling Arthur’s name in the process. The king in return ignored Merlin and pursued his path, undoubtedly in the direction of the Queen’s chambers. His shoulders were set in tense resolution as Merlin ran to keep up with Arthur.

“Arthur, wait!” Merlin exclaimed in a hushed whisper.

Arthur stopped abruptly and nearly ran into Merlin. His eyes were fierce and passionate. 

“What, Merlin? What is there to discuss? Not only did she try to kill me, but worse yet she tried to kill  _ you _ .” The last word was broken and Merlin ached to caress the stress from his face.

“Yes, she did.” He confirmed, “But something happened to Gwen in the Dark Tower, I’m sure of it. The mandrakes used on her most likely sent her over the edge. Morgana must be controlling her, putting into her head that we must be killed.”

The thought of Gwen out of the picture, giving Merlin and Arthur complete access to each other was more than appealing, but it wasn’t right. Although it was true the mandrake’s influence was purely coaxing and couldn’t force anyone to do what hasn’t been at least the tiniest bit thought before, meaning Gwen still must harbor resentment towards the two, it still wasn’t the right thing to do. Gwen deserved a fighting chance. 

“How could you be so sure?” Arthur question. “After everything she’s done to us, how could you even  _ want _ to give her a chance?” 

Arthur closed the gap between himself and Merlin, reaching for Merlin’s face with his hands, “I meant what I said, Merlin. If I ever lost you. If anything ever were to happen to you… I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. You’re my everything.” 

Merlin rested his forehead against Arthur’s and they breathed together, Merlin soaking in the truth to Arthur’s words. “I believe you. I would do the same thing. But this is the same Gwen who has been in a world of pain, we have to help her. You told me that you need to solidify your relations with Gwen, and we can’t do that if she’s exiled… or worse.”

Arthur nodded slowly and pressed a soft kiss to Merlin’s cheekbone, his lips fluttering softly against his skin. A distant door in the corridor opened, forcing the two to hide behind a column in a corner. The two peaked around to find Guinevere cloaked in a black gown walk past them and out of the castle. Merlin glanced at Arthur, his body language tensed and angry. Merlin covered his hand with Arthur’s and squeezed it. “We’ll help her, Arthur.”

“I need to see it.” Arthur stated, his tone monotonous. “If I lose her, lose the bond that Gwen has with Camelot, I lose everything.”

“What?” Merlin asked, desperately wanting Arthur to continue with the details of his alleged plan, but Arthur of course never explained himself. 

“I need to see her betraying us. Betraying Camelot. I just… I need to know for sure.”

Merlin nodded and pulled Arthur along, the two making their way into the forest in order to find the queen.

~*~*~

Merlin followed Gwen and Arthur on their horse back to Camelot, their task completed. His body was exhausted, his magic wearing thin from the immense effort it took to not only perform the aging spell but the healing spell on the queen. More than once Merlin found himself slumping against his horse, wanting to stop and rest, but the sooner everyone arrived back at Camelot, the sooner Mordred would be away from Arthur. Despite everything Mordred had done for them, he still couldn’t trust the young knight. 

There was also the topic of Arthur nearly leaving Merlin behind, but he assumed it had something to do with keeping a low profile on their relationship around Mordred and Gwen, another smart move by the king. Gwen was still healing from the mandrake’s influence, but Merlin wondered if she remembered everything she had done. 

“Arthur’s a lucky man.” Mordred spoke as they approached Camelot.

Merlin sat up and glanced at the young knight, “Yes…”

“Not just to have Gwen, but to have you.”

Merlin’s heart nearly leapt out of his chest, his grip on the reigns of the horse tightening.  _ He’s knows of our relationship _ . He needed to play it off, “He’d find someone else to do his chores soon enough.” 

“ _ That’s _ hardly a chore.” Mordred returned, his face passive. Merlin wanted to pull Mordred aside and threaten him to keep silent about their relationship, but the knight continued his conversation, “That was your magic back there, wasn’t it?”

Merlin was so thrown off by the switch in conversation he couldn’t reply. He was too busy trying not to outwardly sigh in relief. “Have no fear.” Mordred continued, “I will not divulge your secret.” At this point Merlin wasn’t sure what was truth or what was fiction, so he remained silent, “I admire you. It can’t be easy doing so much for so little reward.” 

“I do not seek reward.”

“Recognition, then?”

“My  _ friends _ are safe and well, that’s all I require.” Merlin quipped. 

“See, Merlin, we do have something in common after all.” Mordred told him, glancing his way, “The future of Camelot.” 

~*~*~

Months had passed without occurrence, marking a time in Merlin’s life when it seemed he could have it all. His love in Arthur, his friendship with Gwen, and peace throughout the kingdom. Merlin and Arthur had helped Gwen recover after the mandrake’s hold on her had been released, forming a new bond between the three. 

Merlin and Arthur never told Gwen about their continued relationship, fearing her already brittle will would break from the news, they managed to find time together without infringing upon the queen’s happiness; and to top it all off they didn’t mind in the least. Gwen actually seemed happy again, especially when they would take picnics every so often in the woods, where the three would spend all hours of the day spending time together. 

A particularly eventful morning occurred when Merlin arrived in Arthur’s chambers, throwing the curtains open and perhaps looking for a little morning fun when Arthur quickly ran up to him. 

“Shh!” He whispered, glancing over to a sleeping Gwen on Arthur’s bed. A slight twinge of jealously formed in Merlin’s chest, but he knew beyond a doubt that Arthur would never sleep with anyone else, let alone Gwen, a woman. There were nights when Gwen would have nightmares and would stay with Arthur, which posed a slight problem for the couple who no longer could trust to have Merlin stay the night in Arthur’s bed. 

“What are you doing?” Merlin asked, glancing at Gwen. 

“I’m going to surprise her, breakfast in bed.” Arthur replied, shrugging. 

Merlin’s jealousy flared up even more, “Oh, what a  _ lovely _ thought!” He smiled sarcastically and threw the curtains together with a roll of his eyes, going to leave the chambers but Arthur called him back. 

“Where are you going??” Arthur whispered in mild distress. 

“You don’t need me, do you?” Merlin asked incredulously.

“I can’t very well get the breakfast, can I? What if she wakes up and… panics?” 

Merlin merely looked at Arthur and smiled. It was a good job his clotpole was so good looking. How did anyone think he fancied woman was beyond Merlin. “Panics?” He chuckled. 

“Look, just go get it, alright?” He asked, his eyes pleading. Merlin chuckled and rolled his eyes again as he turned to leave, but Arthur called him once again, “Flowers! Don’t forget the flowers!” 

“Of course! The personal touch! Nice!” Merlin sarcastically replied. Arthur owed him  _ big _ time. 

Though he was late to return, having been distracted by a woman of the old religion, but he threw together whatever he could find in the kitchens. He shut the door and carried a breakfast tray of fruits,an assortment of cheeses and tea and found Arthur at the curtain weary and impatient.

He grabbed the tray and plopped a grape in his mouth, Merlin turned to leave so he could ask Gaius about the woman he met in the woods when Arthur asked about the flowers. Merlin groaned in frustration for forgetting, but it was too late because the queen was now awaking. 

Arthur motioned frantically for Merlin to hide and Merlin did behind the curtain, his patience all worn out from his lover. There was minor talk between the two and out of frustration Merlin threw one of Arthur’s boots against the curtain. He knew he was being petty, but he loved it. 

“Who’s there?” Arthur asked unconvincingly. Merlin threw open the curtains to reveal himself, a cheeky grin plastered on his face, “Merlin!” Arthur replied in mock shock, fooling no one, “What do you think you’re doing in the k…” he meant to say king’s chambers, but finished with “...royal chambers.” So that it sounded as if it wasn’t just purely Arthur’s chambers and none of it Gwen’s.

Merlin was having a field day, “I thought I heard voices!” He played along. 

“Maybe next time you’ll be good enough to knock…”

“Yes, sire…” Merlin replied, the tiniest hint of sarcasm in his voice. He’s knocked maybe three times to Arthur’s chambers in all of their times as lovers. 

“Merlin, thank you.” Gwen told him, a sincere smile on her face. Whether she was referring to letting her stay in Arthur’s chambers or the flowers he wasn’t sure, but a genuine smile appeared on his face. Yes, they were doing it for Gwen. Merlin, though, couldn’t help glancing at Arthur and flicking an eyebrow at him before disappearing for good behind the curtains in a dramatic swish. 

~*~*~

Merlin wondered idly as he was in the woods with the knights if Mordred had told all of them about his relationship with Arthur. Gwaine of course knew of the relationship, Merlin guessing that Arthur had told Leon at this point, and Mordred being unclear of his knowledge. The only one left was Percival, but he was also acting strange around Merlin. 

He needed to desperately find Finna, but they wouldn’t let him go. They made the case that there was a dangerous sorcerer at large, but they would have normally let him do as he pleased. They were treating him as if he was precious cargo that couldn’t be injured or lost. He was going to have to have a word with Arthur, but he knew better than to do so, knowing that Arthur would agree with his knights’ decision to keep him safe. If only they knew that nothing was more powerful than him. 

However, their conversation would never happen. After the days that led Merlin’s journey with Finna to an end, including another end to his life, Merlin finally had Arthur’s destiny in his hands, written in the old language. Hearing Gaius speak the words of Arthur’s destiny, of Camlann being the end to Arthur’s life, Merlin could barely grasp the huge weight of their shared destiny being presented to him. What Merlin had tried so hard to prevent felt as if it was on the precipice, and there was nothing Merlin could do. More than anything, he wanted to run away with Arthur so that they may never hear the word Camlann. 

But then the alarm bells sounded, bringing the warning levels to Merlin’s attention. He felt panicked, wanting to find Arthur immediately, but the more pressing matters of the deceased knight was at hand. It wasn’t long, though, until Arthur did arrive in the physician’s office, Merlin and Arthur locking eyes immediately, glad that each other was alright. 

“Gaius?” He asked, needing explanation for the knight’s death. 

“His disfigurement is not the cause of disease or infection. It is the result of powerful magic. In the old days there was a punishment called Ragaid. It was the ultimate warning from the high priestess to her enemies.” Gaius explained.

“Why was this man chosen?” Arthur asked, “What had he done?”

“He’d done nothing, except be a knight of Camelot. It is a warning, sire. A warning to the whole kingdom. Morgana has declared war.”

Merlin and Arthur took a moment before they locked eyes, and what Merlin saw would haunt him for the rest of his days. He saw in Arthur’s eyes a hopeless terror, the only kind you could see from someone who was about to lose everything.

Arthur could tell him time was coming to an end. 


	20. It's Time to Move on

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode eleven. Arthur is a king at war. The castle is ready for siege at any given moment, and to Arthur, his priorities have never been clearer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I said you'd see me again shortly! This chapter comes from the song "Still Hurting" from the Musical The Last Five Years. This chapter is read through Arthur's POV. Happy reading, my dears!

__ Camelot was at war.

Arthur had never been tested as he had now. Had had faced the terror of war between man, but this was no such war. This war, forged by his sister, was that between man and magic. It was not one Arthur took lightly, he still kept his promise to the Druids close to his heart, but there was no denying that this was an inevitable battle. Either Morgana would take his absence of action as an invitation to attack the citadel, or Arthur could take the battle away from the innocent people of Camelot. 

It was a topic that was brought up one night as Merlin and Arthur ate their dinner together. It went unsaid, but ever since that day the two were inseparable. Merlin went with Arthur everywhere he went (not that he didn’t do it already, but at least now Arthur never objected to it). He no longer cared what people thought; the king needed Merlin and he wasn’t afraid to show it. Not anymore. 

The pair finished their meals, or what they could eat, and Arthur couldn’t help but stare at Merlin in all of his glory. The man that he has loved for nearly a decade was still here with him despite everything they have experienced. A swell of emotion struck him, and he couldn’t help but ask, “Would you join me in council?” Arthur asked. 

Merlin looked up quizzically, “I always am.” He said.

Arthur shook his head and grinned as he took Merlin’s hand in his, “No, I mean, would you sit with me at the round table and help me council Camelot?”

Merlin’s eyes nearly bugged out of his head as he regarded his blond counterpart, “Arthur, I don’t know what to say…”

“Say yes.” He said with a flashy smile.

Merlin laughed, “What brought all of this on?” He questioned, rubbing soothing circles on his lover’s hand.

“I don’t want to pretend like you’re just a servant to me anymore.” Arthur told him. “It’s not fair to us. You’ve always been my council, my advisor to anything remotely important. You’ve helped me write my speeches, always somehow knowing what to say in tough situations. And…” He took a deep breath, “This is the most trying moment of our time. Everything we’ve done for Camelot now depends on this war’s outcome. We could either win or lose everything.” Merlin shuddered slightly at the thought, his grip tightening on Arthur’s hand, “And if the former were to happen, I don’t want to lose everything knowing that you weren’t where you properly belong. By my side.”

Merlin seemed to regard the situation quietly for a moment before meeting his dark blue eyes with Arthur’s, “I’ve told you before, my place is by your side. I belong nowhere else. Yes, of course I’ll join you in the council.” He grinned, along with Arthur who rose from the table and embraced his lover. 

Yes, this had to have been part of the grand plan. The Disir told him of his need to bond Camelot in a way that if he were to leave it, it would be in the right hands. He had to trust the Disir, that they spoke the truth about Arthur and Merlin’s future together. He wanted more than anything to have that become a reality for the pair. If they were anything, they were sacrificial with their happiness, they always have been. 

It wasn’t until later that night when Merlin’s sleeping form was pressed tightly against Arthur’s, the king rubbing soothing circles against the man’s back that he became worried. They told him that he had to die in order to be with Merlin, but the creeping sensation of fear and loss overwhelmed Arthur. What if he died without it ever becoming a possibility? He trusted the Disir and he had been working nonstop to create the perfect Camelot for his people, but at what cost? Merlin and Arthur’s true happiness. It was then that Arthur decided he wasn’t going to sit idly by and let someone else choose his fate for him. He was going to do what he should have done so many years ago before their lives took a turn.

Arthur Pendragon was going to ask Merlin to marry him.

~*~*~

“What’s troubling you?” Gwen asked Arthur in his chambers.

“Morgana’s men attacked only a few leagues away from the citadel.” Arthur explained, his head pounding. It was the following week, the castle had been a constant stream of orders and patrolmen scouring the outlying forests for any news on Morgana’s army. It had only been this morning that Arthur’s band of knights (and Merlin) had found the murder site for a number of his guards returning to the citadel with weapons of war. It had been so close to the castle.

Gwen nodded in understanding, “She is brazen.”

“She does not fear us.” He added with a layer of stress.

“Then she is more foolish than I thought.” Gwen replied with a quip.

“She has sorcery on her side.” Arthur added, the stress seeming to mount onto his shoulders. 

“And you have the strength and love of your people, Arthur. When you became king you gave them something to fight for. That’s the most powerful weapon of all.” 

Arthur looked at Gwen, and he suddenly knew that he needed to talk with her. “I just wish their love didn’t have to be a weapon. Love… it makes us do crazy things.” He dropped his gaze to the table, his hands slightly trembling at the weight of the impending conversation, “Do you not also think love is the most powerful force of all?” 

The king eyed his wife quizzically, whose reaction was one of surety, even a hint of sadness, “I do, actually.” She replied kindly, “Are we about to have a talk?” 

Arthur’s eyes shot up; of course Gwen knew, “Would you like to take a seat?” He requested, motioning towards the twin chairs before the fireplace.

They sat opposite each other, both quiet as they waited for Arthur to begin speaking, “Guinevere, I don’t know where to begin.”

“Just tell me what’s bothering you. Is it the war? Morgana?” She asked, worried. 

“Not at the current moment, no.” He replied, his tone sheepish, “It’s Merlin.”

The conversation topic clearly took her off guard, “Merlin.”

“I want to marry him.” Arthur told her.

Gwen opened her mouth but remained silent. Many emotions appeared to cross her face, trying to calculate the situation. “And to do so would require our marriage to end.” She concluded. 

“Yes.” Arthur spoke softly. “But Gwen, this does not mean I do not care for you deeply. You will still continue to be Camelot’s queen, I will forever need your guidance. But ever since Morgana has declared war on us, I’ve had to put into perspective what and who I truly want. If these are my last days as Camelot’s king, I want to spend it with the two people who mean the world to me.”

Gwen had tears at the corner of her eyes as she nodded in understanding, “The best thing to ever happen to me was to become Camelot’s queen. I wouldn’t give that title for granted.” She reached out and grasped Arthur’s who held it firmly, “I cannot say this doesn’t hurt me, but I had a feeling this was coming. These past months where the three of us spent our time bonding showed me how much you two love each other.” A sad smile appeared on both their faces, “And how much you two have sacrificed for me.” 

“It wasn’t anything we wouldn’t do for you a hundred times over.” Arthur replied earnestly.

“I knew it wasn’t going to be realistic for you to keep your heart away from Merlin, I just didn’t want to be alone.” Gwen explained, looking ashamed.

“And you won’t be.” Arthur assured her, “We will still have our dinners together, our picnics, even our rides. Merlin just won’t have to carry all the satchels.” Arthur grinned, gaining a second from Guinevere, “And I want to officially add him to court as King Consort and the King’s Advisor. This doesn’t take away any of your title or power.” He told her.

Gwen nodded, “Have you asked him, yet?”

Arthur’s stomach clenched in a different way. This wasn’t out of fear of the future due to the war, it was that of hope, “No, not yet.”

Gwen pulled her hand away and set it on her lap, “You know he’ll say yes.”

Arthur smiled fondly, “Yes, he will.” 

The two continued to sit in their chairs by the fireplace, and for hours on end they were able to talk as they did before their marriage. It was the first time in years Arthur and Gwen were able to be so comfortable around each other. It made Arthur sure of his decision, and when Gwen left after the sun had set, Arthur set into plan just how he was going to propose to Merlin. 

~*~*~

_ Why won’t this girl repent her crimes? _ Arthur thought angrily to himself as he sat on his throne, gazing at the young girl Mordred cared so deeply for. The loss of trust between the king and one of his most beloved knights still stung with Arthur, but he was going to try to help this girl. She has been brainwashed, as Merlin told him the night previous. He already was advising Arthur on important matters of state, at it felt so right to Arthur. It was truly where Merlin belonged. 

Looking at the young, naive girl before him and then to Merlin, his face passive as Merlin gave him a pleading look, as if to say,  _ Please, love. Just give her one more chance. Please.  _

Arthur attempted to give her one more chance, but the girl then lunged at Arthur one last time, attempting to attack the king. She nearly would have gotten to him if she hadn’t mysteriously lost her footing a few yards before she reached the king. It was only a matter of seconds before the guards lunged for her and contained her in their grasp. 

Merlin and Arthur looked at each other first and foremost, a forlorn and hopeless look in his eyes. Arthur sighed and told the guard to take her to the gallows to be hung. He wanted to try to help this girl, for Merlin’s sake, but there was nothing he could do now. The girl had tried to kill the king not only once, but twice. She couldn’t afford to live in a time as this, and Arthur thought that Merlin understand that as well. He had to have. 

~*~*~

“It’s almost like he’s vanished.” Merlin told him the morning after Kara’s execution. It wasn’t long before Mordred revealed his true nature to Arthur, one of magic and eventual deceit.  “The guards searched as far as the rivers. There’s no sign of him.” Merlin continued, his voice passive, as if knowing Arthur’s current state of self-loathing.

“I let him in.” Arthur countered, his head resting in his hands. He could have just ruined everything that he had been working towards. His perfect Camelot. Only time would tell if Mordred’s departure would be one of betrayal, but Arthur knew it could only mean one thing. Mordred had magic and he was in pain. Of course he was going to go to Morgana.

“You have a good heart. You can’t blame yourself for that.” Merlin attempted to soothe his worries, but Arthur couldn’t see past it. The fact that Merlin was there at all served more of a purpose than anything, and Arthur drew from his strength.

“I shouldn’t have trusted him.” Arthur said eventually, utterly defeated. “I made a terrible mistake, haven’t I?” 

“I hope not.” Merlin told him softly. 

Arthur couldn’t help but look up at Merlin. His Merlin. The only thing left in this world that never failed him. The man he wanted to have by his side forever. Against better circumstances, Arthur might have chosen a better time to do what he was about to do, but the world seemed at its end and Arthur couldn’t stand the thought of being apart from Merlin any longer.

He rose from his desk and took Merlin’s hands in his own, “Merlin, I need to take you somewhere, yeah?” An unexpected smile appeared on the king’s face, one that wouldn’t have appeared moments before if a low thrill of adrenaline and nerves hadn’t brought it to his lips.

Merlin quirked an eyebrow and a slow smile appeared on his face, “Alright?” He responded, dragging out the word. 

Arthur took a deep breath and nodded once to himself in reassurance. He held Merlin’s hand in his as they walked outside the Citadel and made their way into the forest. It was time. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey! Were you expecting that little plot twist?! What do you think will happen? Do you think Arthur will propose? Will Merlin accept? What will happen either way? YOU'LL SEE NEXT CHAPTER! Leave a comment with your thoughts, and I will see you very soon!


	21. What Lovers Do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5x12. Lovers unite and burn. As they always do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This title comes from the song "All I Ask" by Adele. We cover all the way up to the dreaded fight scene between Merlin and Arthur; hopefully this adds a little more hurt into this scene (not like it needed it). Happy reading!

Arthur took Merlin by the hand and entwined their fingers as they left the citadel and eventually made their way to the large meadow where they defeated The Great Dragon nearly eight years ago. Since then, the meadow only serves as a memory as the final night where Merlin and Arthur could simply say they were friends, and only such. That night had changed everything, though. Having nearly lost all of his men fighting the dragon served as a stark reality to the then-prince. Merlin was just a servant, he had no specialty in the art of war, no proper training with a sword, and yet he had followed Arthur to the pits of Hell. He had loved before, but never before had his heart expanded the size as the first time they kissed, which had been the morning after the battle. 

Arthur hitched the small rucksack onto the dewy grass and pulled out a thick blanket for them to sit on, and once they sat upon the large throw Arthur finally looked into Merlin’s eyes. The blue eyes were most definitely confused but stayed silent, making Arthur smile from the hilarity of it all. This was likely the longest Merlin had ever been quiet in his life. 

“Do you remember this field?” Arthur eventually asked, lacing his fingers with Merlin’s.

“Of course.” Merlin replied, “You defeated The Great Dragon here.” 

Arthur laughed softly and let a soft smile appear on his lips, “No, we defeated The Great Dragon Here. You helped just as much that night.”

A blush appeared on Merlin’s face, “Did you just admit I did something well, Arthur?” He joked.

“Yes.” Arthur grinned in response, “I may joke about your incompetence as a servant, but I cannot but help be astonished by your bravery, Merlin.” Arthur reached up with his other hand and cradled Merlin’s face before pressing his lips softly to Merlin’s. He pulled away regretfully, knowing that he had to continue. “That was the night where everything changed for me.” He explained. “I fell in love with you that night. I knew that you were different from the others, but I didn’t realize until that night, with you next to me fighting the dragon that there was no one else I would want by my side.” 

A grin appeared on Merlin’s face, “Thank you, sire.” 

Arthur reached for the rucksack and grabbed another item. As he took it out, he presented it to Merlin and Merlin’s eyes widened as he realised what it was. In Arthur’s hand was a paper mache of the Mortaeus Flower, the flower that Arthur risked his life to get in order to save Merlin’s. The two had barely known each other and yet Arthur wanted more than anything to save this servant; this oddly charming boy who treated him as an equal. He could hardly put into thought the emotions he had for the young boy at the time; he himself was so young, but looking back he could tell there was no one else he’d risk his life for. 

“This flower in itself is not romantic.” Arthur began, holding it with shaking fingers, “It’s actually quite poisonous and lethal if you get the real thing at a bad time, but…” He held out the flower and Merlin took it with bated breath, “it represents a sacrifice and a promise two people made to each other before they could even comprehend who they were at the time. Your attempt to give your life for mine with the poison, and my attempt to give my life for this flower so that you don’t die. Merlin…” 

Arthur took a deep breath and smiled at the man next to him, “You’re my everything. The love of my life. These past ten years that I’ve known you changed my entire outlook on what it means to love and be loved in return. The hurt and loneliness that I’ve put you through these past years with my marriage are ones I’ll regret the rest of my life, but I want to spend the rest of it making it up to you. Can I do that, Merlin?”

Merlin smiled and blinked away tears, “Yes, of course. But what are you going to do?” He asked curiously, “More romantic picnics for two, I hope?” He grinned.

A cheeky grin appeared on Arthur’s lips, “Well, I was thinking marriage, for one…”

Merlin coughed in shock, his eyes nearly bulging out of his head, “M-marriage?! Wha--How?” 

“I talked with Gwen, and I asked her to remain my Queen, but to renounce her title as my wife. I told her that if I were to die soon, I’d want to spend however long I have left with the man I love. She was resigned at first, but I think she understands.”

Merlin’s face was split in a huge grin as he contemplated Arthur’s words, “I just… I never… you…” Merlin casted his eyes to Arthur and before the king knew it Merlin was on top of him and kissing every square inch he could find. “Arthur Pendragon, you’re absolutely amazing.”

“Is that a yes?” He managed in between kisses.

“Yes, you dollophead.” Merlin muttered back as he was taking off Arthur’s red tunic. Arthur broke out of his happy stupor and helped Merlin out of his clothes, the knowledge that the man he was with would be his for the rest of his life. He could finally tell the council that he and Merlin were to be wed, and soon they would be married like they should have been years ago. All the time worrying about what the council would think, what the kingdom would think, and it meant that he had sacrificed the happiness of himself and the one person who meant more to him than anyone. 

They spent the rest of the night in the field where they fell in love, their bodies entwined as they became one. Never before had the two experienced anything so powerful and meaningful, their hearts utterly open to one another, their love pure and never ending. It wasn’t until the morning, their bodies cradled against the other and wet with the morning dew did they agree to head to their home. 

Arthur immediately wanted to tell the council of their engagement and to plan for the wedding, but Merlin requested that they kept it a secret for just a moment longer. Never again would they simply be the king and the manservant. They would be the King’s Advisor and the King of Camelot. Despite Arthur’s impatience he agreed with his fiance’s wish, never wanting to deny him anything again. 

The only request Arthur made in return was that they would go out and celebrate with the knights at the tavern. Merlin seemed confused at first, but Arthur wanted it so badly Merlin must have understood that. They asked Gwaine if he wanted to attend, but the knight politely refused, his eyes still appearing to be haunted by history’s actions. After many hours of drinking, eating and games, only Merlin, Arthur and Percival remained of the group (Leon bailed quickly into the night after only two ales). 

Eventually the couple left with Percival (who never drank to ensure the safety of the king) who made sure Merlin and Arthur were safely returned to the king’s chambers before he bid the two a fond farewell, a slight glimmer in his eye that hinted he caught onto Merlin and Arthur. They didn’t care. The moment the door closed they were tied together in a tight embrace, their lips locked in a passionate kiss. 

“Bed?” Arthur slurred against Merlin’s neck, his hand stuffed in the back of Merlin’s trousers and cupping Merlin’s perfect arse. 

“Yeah…” Merlin breathed, stumbling along with Arthur to their bed. 

Arthur reached across the bed and fumbled around for the vial of oil he always kept by his side, but furrowed his brows when he couldn’t find it. “Where’s the vial?” Arthur slurred.

“Wha…?” Merlin replied, coming from behind and throwing himself onto Arthur.

“The vial. For the oil. Can’t find it.” Arthur told him with a frown. 

“I have some in my room.” Merlin replied with a spark, making to leave the bed but Arthur grabbed his arm.

“No, don’t leave me.” Arthur pouted.

Merlin chuckled and returned to the bed to kiss Arthur, “I’ll be right back, love.” He told him. “Get ready for me?” He offered, running his hand down Arthur’s stomach and drifted until he was cupping Arthur’s erection momentarily. 

Arthur hummed in pleasure as he sat back against the bed, “I love you.”

Merlin kissed Arthur a last time before leaving, “I love you more. I’ll be back, okay?”

Arthur sighed in contentment and watched as Merlin left. He did as Merlin asked and unclothed himself and made to prepare himself, but Arthur began to wonder where Merlin was. He should have returned, Arthur concluded after an hour.

Did Merlin abandon him? No, he wouldn’t do that… Right? 

Arthur sat on his bed, contemplating whether or not to go after Merlin, but then he chastised himself. He was being too overbearing on Merlin. He said that he would return to Arthur, so he would. The king laid back on his bed and found Merlin’s red neckerchief and held it to his face, inhaling his love’s scent. Eventually, the king fell asleep, alone and naked in his bed, clutching to Merlin’s clothing. The last thing he remembered feeling above all things was abandoned. 

**~*~*~**

“I think you’ll find that’s everything, Sire.” Merlin told him from across the table, motioning towards all of Arthur’s armor and weapons for Camlann. This was the first time they were alone since Merlin’s unexpected disappearance. Arthur wanted to desperately ask him what was bothering him, knowing Merlin better than he knew himself, the man he was intending to make his spouse was acting very off. He was nervous about something. 

“Impressive. Very impressive.” Arthur replied nonchalantly, genuinely impressed by Merlin’s attention to detail.

“Thank you, Sire.” Merlin smiled softly, the act not quite reaching his eyes.

“So, what are you after?” Arthur asked him, playing it off as a joke, but knowing there was an undercurrent to his question. 

“After?” Merlin questioned.

“Come on, Merlin, you’re the worst servant in the history of the world, and suddenly this. Is it money?” 

“No.” Merlin spoke softly, causing knots to form in Arthur’s stomach. There was something that was bothering him. 

“No, it can’t be that. You’ve already won all of mine. Time off?” Arthur continued, knowing eventually Merlin will come out with whatever is worrying him. Perhaps he’s worried about what the council will think of their engagement, despite Arthur reassuring that as King he could do what he saw as fit. 

Merlin smiled softly at the joke, “Arthur--” 

“No, it can’t be that either. You don’t really do anything.” 

“I just wanted to be sure you had all you needed for Camlann. For the days ahead.” Merlin told him, not meeting his eyes.

Confusion stopped Arthur in his tracks as he regarded his fiance, “Thank you… Merlin, what do you mean  _ my _ journey?” His heart was beating rapidly, the breaths he desperately needed seemed stuck in his throat as he saw the anguish in Merlin’s eyes. Arthur knew then that this would moment would be one of the most devastating moment in his life. 

“I’m afraid I won’t be coming with you.” Merlin told him, tears forming in his eyes. “Not this time. I’m sorry. I have an urgent errand to run for Gaius. Vital supplies that I can’t obtain here.” 

“Vital supplies.” Arthur repeated, completely struck by the blow. Merlin, the man who had always been by his side, never failing to protect him was leaving him when he needed him most. 

“Yes. It’s not that I’m--” 

“No, no. It’s fine. It’s fine, I understand.” Arthur needed to get away. He was scared, hurt, and the impending sensation of being  _ alone _ clung to his spine, eating away at his capacity for understanding. Did Merlin agree to marry him only because he thought that was what Arthur wanted? Did Merlin in fact love him, or did he just fancy a shag with the king? Every insecurity that Arthur ever had came crashing in on him, and he couldn’t handle it. 

Merlin replied so softly, his words barely registered with the anguished King, “Arthur--” 

“You know, Merlin. All those jokes about you being a coward, I never really meant any of them. I always thought you were the bravest man I’ve ever met.” Arthur said, his heart breaking further with every uttered syllable. “I guess I was wrong.” 

Tears that had been threatening to fall from Merlin’s eyes eventually made their way down his face, mirroring so closely how each man felt as they stood so close to each other, but felt so far away. Arthur wiped the moisture from his face and turned from Merlin, feeling as if he’s lost everything. He gave up his wife, his control over his emotions, and even his life to the Disir all so he could be with Merlin, and the man in question was leaving him. He had truly lost it all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TWO MORE CHAPTERS. I sincerely apologize for my absence. My family had a long string of emergencies that I needed to tend to. I hope everyone understands. Thank you again for all of your support and please tell me your theories on the last two chapters!


	22. Our Final End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Episode 5X13. Everything has to be said... before it's too late.

Dying felt differently than Arthur would have expected. Firstly, he had always pictured his death to be brought quickly in battle. A swish of a sword to the heart, a javelin to the back of his head. He never thought it’d come from a man he once thought upon dearly, and in the stomach of all places. The shock of the blow gave him enough numbness and adrenaline to land the fatal stab right in Mordred’s heart and he watched in anguish as the young man fell, his last breath showing his true innocence. 

He hadn’t realised he had passed out until his eyes opened to find what he could only describe as an angel. His angel. 

“Merlin?” Arthur winced, the pain of his wound now catching up to him as he clung to Merlin’s frame above him. Merlin spoke to him but the rush of pain from the wound caused him to cry out in pain.

“Lie back, lie back.” Merlin urged, holding onto him as the king surveyed his surroundings. 

“Where the hell have you been?” He couldn’t help but ask desperately. He could have asked how the battle finished, if it finished; where his men were if they were still alive, or even where they were. But none of it mattered because Merlin was finally with him again. Their last conversation left a sour taste in Arthur’s mouth, and it begged the question of their current status, but he’d rather have Merlin in his life in any sense of the form, especially as the king continued to feel the stab wound in his stomach. This was no ordinary wound, he could tell. 

It was serious. 

“It doesn’t matter now.” Merlin replied, his tone beyond upset. 

“My side...” Arthur said, his grip tightening on Merlin. 

“You’re bleeding.” Merlin remarked, his tone worried.

“It’s alright… I thought I was dying.” Arthur told him, trying to downplay his wound.

“I’m sorry… I thought I defied the prophecy. I thought I was in time.” 

“What are you talking about?” Arthur asked with a fond roll of his eyes, attempting to bypass the immense pain. 

“I defeated the saxons. The dragon. And yet I knew that it was Mordred I must stop.”

Arthur’s pulse quickened at Merlin’s words. What was he trying to imply? He wasn’t at the battle, a sorcerer was. A smile graced his lips as his hand on Merlin’s shoulder pulled him closer, “The person… who defeated them… was the sorcerer.” He tried to tell Merlin, who only seemed to grow more upset by Arthur’s words. Arthur grew more worried by the conversation, knowing that he’d never seen Merlin so wrecked by words before. 

“It was me…” Merlin sobbed. 

The smile gradually fell from Arthur’s lips as he regarded his love, “Don’t be ridiculous.” He continued to gaze at Merlin’s face as it remained unchanged in its agony and Arthur grew complacent, “That’s stupid. Why would you say that?”

Merlin’s grip on Arthur’s hand reached a new level of strength as he uttered the words, “I’m a sorcerer. I have magic.”

Arthur’s world turned upside down. 

“And I use it for you, Arthur.” Merlin continued, “Only for you.” 

Arthur needed to leave. He was scared. He was confused and most of all, he was in a lot of pain. “Merlin, you are not a sorcerer!” Arthur bargained, putting the tips of his fingers just under Merlin’s chin. He was being ridiculous, this had to be a joke. “I would know.”

“Here…” Merlin said softly, and he raised his right hand toward the campfire and uttered foreign words. Arthur regarded the fire but was struck by the beautiful golden color that emitted from Merlin’s eyes. Before Arthur knew it, the fire’s ashes began to take shape into a dragon in flight momentarily before it burned away into the night.   

_ No, no _ . Arthur thought, his urge to flee overcoming almost everything in his being. He was scared, he felt betrayed, and he hurt so badly.  _ Not Merlin. Not my Merlin.  _ He looked around for a way out, any way to escape this situation, but he locked eyes with Merlin, and in that moment he realised that despite his extreme terror, Merlin was more terrified. His eyes were wet with tears and scared. He wondered if he looked any differently. Most likely not. 

“Leave me.” Arthur pleaded, tearing his eyes away from his lover. 

“Arthur--” Merlin tried to reach for Arthur, his hands desperate.

“Don’t. Just… You heard.” Arthur told him, leaning away from him. 

In spite of his order and his body language, he still felt cold and alone the moment Merlin left his side, the sounds of his sobs echoing throughout Arthur’s head. It was the last thing he heard before passing out for the night.

 

~*~*~

 

Arthur realised after the second day that he was going to die. 

There was no conceivable way to describe it, other than a feeling of resolute acceptance. He wasn’t going to pretend anymore. He believed in Merlin, with everything that he was, but there was going to be a time when Merlin couldn’t save him. Looking at Merlin, the stress and the hurt that he was going through hurt Arthur more than the shard of sword embedded into his side. Merlin still loved Arthur, and he was doing everything he could to save his life. 

His heart stuttered at the thought of the man by his side, tending to the horses as Arthur sat wretchedly on a fallen tree, his energy all but shot. It dawned on him then that he couldn’t stay mad at Merlin, he wouldn’t. Not when he still loved Merlin more than anything in the universe. He would have traded it all for a simple life with the man he loved. He knew now it was too late. They could never be merchants in a far off kingdom, or farmers in a small village. They were the king and servant. This was their destiny for this life, and Arthur was dying. He wondered if Merlin knew.

_ Merlin has to know that I still love him. Before it’s too late. _

 

~*~*~

 

The pain. The pain was everything. Arthur could tell that Merlin was getting desperate, that in spite of their massive leaps and bounds their relationship has been through these past long days, Merlin was still hesitant around Arthur. It wasn’t like Merlin didn’t have a reason to be, Arthur had said cruel words to him, but time was running out. Arthur’s pulse was weakening, he could feel it. The energy he once had no longer could hold his head higher than above his chest.

They were riding on their horses, the day coming to a close, and Arthur was falling. They hadn’t been riding for long, but everything was pain, exhaustion and terror. Terror of the inevitable ending. Of leaving Merlin. Suddenly Arthur felt Merlin’s sturdy hands on his armour and he wasn’t falling anymore, but he was so tired. 

“I can’t go on.” Arthur breathed desperately. 

“There’s not far to go!” Merlin pleaded, “We have to reach there before dawn.”

Arthur wanted to go, to appease Merlin, but he was so close to his death, he knew fully well that if he were to go on, he would perish in mid trip or right as they arrived at the Lake. He couldn’t do that do Merlin. It was his last selfish wish; to lay side by side with Merlin while he still could and tell him everything in his heart. He didn’t have much time left, and Merlin still didn’t fully grasp Arthur’s feelings for him. He deserved to know everything. 

“No… no.” Arthur breathed, his breath hitching. 

Arthur saw the heart breaking acceptance in Merlin’s eyes, his heart hurt for him, “Alright.” Merlin agreed softly, “We’ll rest for an hour.”

Arthur sighed in relief, but he knew an hour wasn’t long enough. How many hours did he have left to be with the man he loved? How many of those would he be coherent? He would have to make it work. For Merlin.

They had found a small clearing not far from their horses where Merlin was frantically making a fire as Arthur regarded him with an open expression. “Merlin…” He spoke, just above a whisper. It was time. Time to tell him everything.

The man stopped his movements and made his way quickly to Arthur, grabbing a water flask and letting Arthur drink its contents. Merlin was so close, his body unabashedly curled up against Arthur’s side. The king unconsciously leaned against his warmth. “Merlin,” Arthur spoke again, “Whatever happens--”

“Shh.” Merlin interrupted him, “Don’t talk.”

A small smile arose on Arthur’s lips, “I’m the king, Merlin. You can’t tell me what to do.” 

Merlin joined him in a smile, “I always have. I’m not going to change now.”

Arthur’s look when he regarded Merlin’s face was one of pure love and adoration for the man. Merlin, the only person who has stayed by his side the past ten years, who has loved him at his worst. How could he want him to change? “I don’t want you to change. I want you, to always, be you.” Because he knew he wouldn’t be able to be there for him for much longer. There would be a time in Merlin’s life after Arthur, it couldn’t change him. “I’m sorry about how I treated you.” 

“Hey,” Merlin spoke in a light whisper, his tone optimistic, “Does that mean you’re going to give me a day off?”

Arthur chuckled, “Two.”

“That’s generous.” Merlin was holding his hand now, and Arthur held onto it with all of his strength, but he was so tired. There was no energy to do anything. The king desperately wanted to tell him more, to say every cliche and romantic thing he’s ever felt for the man by his side, the man who was meant to be his husband, but the moment Merlin cradled his hand around Arthur’s face, he was done. He resigned and dropped his head to his chest with Merlin’s hand stroking his face, he could die right then and there. “Get some sleep.” Merlin told him, and Arthur was so at peace, he secretly hoped his slumber lasted an eternity. 

Before his unconsciousness, the softest words of, “I love you.” coming from Merlin gave him the founding inspiration to go on. He wasn’t going to give up on Merlin. 

 

~*~*~

 

The sun was rising over the horizon of Lake Avalon when Arthur and Merlin laid eyes on its shores. The grip on Arthur’s waist from Merlin’s strong hands proved to Arthur that the man keeping him alive still had hope where Arthur had none. It wasn’t as if Arthur had given up on life, but he knew his body, and he knew it was failing. Merlin hadn’t failed him, he had failed Merlin. 

“Arthur, look.” Merlin told him, “We’re nearly there!” 

Suddenly, the horses were spooked, causing Merlin to leave Arthur’s side and run after them, before he was flung from his feet by the unexpected appearance of Morgana. The High Priestess was coming closer to him and she spoke words that spewed hatred he was sure, but he couldn’t pay attention. With whatever life source he had remaining was devoted to making sure Merlin was okay and unhurt. 

It wasn’t until Merlin appeared behind Morgana with Excalibur did Arthur stop hyperventilating. The two exchanged low words Arthur couldn’t hear, but the breath stopped in his throat when Merlin ran the sword through Morgana’s heart. He helped her fall to the ground and bid her farewell, and that was the end of Morgana. 

Merlin rid himself of Morgana’s presence and made his way to Arthur, his body wrapping around Arthur as he helped him to his feet, but he needed to praise Merlin, even if it was the last thing he’d do. “You brought peace at last.” he told him with a smile on his face.

Merlin of course brushed it off, his mission not yet completed. Arthur complied with Merlin’s wishes, but he couldn’t go further. He just couldn’t. He wouldn’t die in the water away from the man he loved. He was going to be surrounded by Merlin. He wanted it to be soft, quiet. And with Merlin. 

They made it a few paces further before Arthur’s legs gave way and the two collapsed against the dewy grass, Arthur’s form falling back against Merlin’s who was holding him close. Merlin, with all his efforts, still tried to drag Arthur towards the shore of Lake Avalon, but it was too late. Arthur was too tired. “Merlin… it’s too late.” Arthur laced his fingers through Merlin’s hand held onto him with all his strength. 

“I’m not going to lose you!” Merlin pleaded, holding onto Arthur’s hand and pulling his body closer to him.

“Just… just… hold me, please.” Arthur asked him for the last time. It was all he wanted. To die in the hands of the man he loved. Merlin’s form tightened against him, and Arthur knew then that he had acceptance it. The man he loved was dying, so he was holding him. Their heads lay pressed against each other, their breaths ragged as if they had just finished making love. 

“There’s… something I want to say.” Arthur told him. 

“You’re not going to say goodbye.” Merlin stubbornly replied.

“No. No…” Arthur told him. He’d never say goodbye to Merlin. If there was an afterlife, reincarnation, spirits who could roam the Earth, Arthur would find a way to do so, just so he could be with Merlin. He was fulfilling his debt to the Disir, they promised they would be together. He had hope. “Everything you’ve done, I know now; for me, for Camelot, for the kingdom you helped me build--”

“You could’ve done it on your own.”

Arthur let out a breathy chuckled and shook his head. Never. “Maybe,” he told him to appease his aching mind. “I wanted to say something I’ve never said to you before.” He mustered the very last of his strength to look into the deep blue eyes of Merlin, trying to express with emotion every ounce of love and adoration he could, “Thank you.”  _ For loving me, for never giving up on me, for agreeing to love me in death, for always being yourself when the world was against you, when I was against you. You are my everything, my once and future love.  _ “I love you.”

Death for Arthur wasn’t as he thought it was going to be. In the last two days he thought it’d end in a mass of pain, with a grimace on his face as he left the world screaming and grimacing. It was nothing like that. It was easier than falling asleep. The last image he saw was Merlin’s blue eyes, his face raw with emotion and love. He refused to look at anything else. If there would be no more Arthur, this would be his last image. The last face. 

“Arthur!” 

Everything was so quiet. Painless.

_ “...Stay with me.” _


	23. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A thousand years later... a thousand lives lived. Let's start anew.

The Bubonic Plague, the Crusades, and both World Wars were epidemics of the utmost peril. Most of them had the world questioning the outcome of the human race, or even if there would be one at all. Merlin had sat waiting for Arthur through all of them. When the plague broke out in what was now called England, Merlin was so sure that Arthur would come back he never left his spot by Lake Avalon despite the many years the country was infected with the disease. When Merlin had heard the number of people who had died he felt an enormous amount of guilt, knowing he could have helped the victims. When the plague had been all but extinct with the planet, Merlin had stood up from his spot, glanced at the lake and wonder,  _ If Albion isn’t in Her greatest need, what could possibly be worse? _ What could be worse than disease ravaging a third of the world? 

Hundreds of years had passed without a single ripple from Lake Avalon, and there had been times when Merlin had given up. Life had passed, terrible things had ensued, and yet Arthur hadn’t come back. If he hadn’t returned by now then he wouldn’t come, he told himself. And even if he did, Merlin wouldn’t want to see the state of the world by that point. Wars, plagues, and greed had all infested the humanity, but Arthur had not risen from his grave. It would be enough to break anyone, and yet Merlin still waited, and he would do so until he could see his annoying clotpole of a King again.

There had been times when the warlock thought that Arthur had returned to him. Maybe it was just his crazed and heartbroken mind that did it to him, or the universe punishing him for not fulfilling his duties to Arthur. But every time it happened to him, he continued to grow more distant. It was the fear that he’d get hurt again that terrified him. Though it wasn’t really Arthur who had come back all those times, the reality that he wasn’t there killed Merlin more than that day at Avalon hundred of years previous. 

The first time it happened, Merlin was sitting on the banks of Lake Avalon, which now had a new name of its own in this modern world, on the two hundred and twenty-third anniversary of Arthur’s death. So many years since he last heard Arthur’s voice. He lied to himself and assured that he could remember what it sounded like to hear Arthur when he would mock Merlin, or his chuckle when the raven haired boy would do something he thought adorable. He unintentionally fell asleep at the banks of the lake, lost in the memories of Arthur when he was alive and he could call the King his, when he heard it. It was just a whisper, like all the times Arthur would reach over and wake up Merlin with a soft word and adoration in his voice, “ _ Merlin _ .”  It sounded as real as the wind whipping through the trees or the water licking the shores which caused Merlin to snap out of his slumber. His mind alert as he looked at his surroundings, frantically looking for his King, but there was nothing there. He was all alone 

It was Arthur, he was so sure of it, but he was alone. His breath rattled through his cracked lips and his finger clutched at his shirt as he blinked through his tears.  His blue eyes raking the water with desperation and agony as he silently screamed, unable to produce anything else. It brought him back to that wretched day when Arthur took his last breaths. That pain of Arthur leaving him, subjecting him to realize yet again how many centuries he has had to be alone. It had to be magic, his sorcery reacting to the enchantment of the lake that caused the sound of Arthur’s soft voice to hit his ears. 

Because of that fresh reminder, something broke inside of Merlin that day and he had given up on everything. He couldn’t wait anymore for his King to return to him, not anymore. After so many years of having to live without the love of his life, he simply shut down. Some people, only have to wait a short human life until they wither and die, sure to reunite once again. But how many lifetimes had Merlin lived through to wait for that day that may never come? 

His mind made up, Merlin stood and walked to the edge of Lake Avalon, his expression eerily calm and void of any emotion as he took his first slow steps in the icy water. His body screamed against the unforgiving temperature of the water, but the warlock welcomed the pain gladly, knowing that it was all about to be over. He drifted far out into the mass of water, his clothes weighing heavily on his body and his limbs slowly chilling over. But he pressed on with the knowledge that he was going to reunite with Arthur so very soon. 

Out in the middle of the lake, Merlin stopped his body and waded momentarily. Some distant part of his brain protesting against his plan, but an overwhelming sensation of exhaustion from waiting all this time caused him to continue. Closing his eyes, Merlin dropped below the surface and swam further under the water. He wasn’t sure what he was expecting to find as he continued to swim, but he pressed on despite the growing red flags his body was sending out. He began to feel the strain of the water pressing down on him, his lungs starting to prickle from the lack of oxygen, but he was persistent. He had done his waiting, now he was going to be with Arthur again. 

Eventually, everything started to fade; his body not protesting against his decision finally die, but instead now complying with his wishes and stopped fighting just like Merlin had done so. Forming Arthur’s name on his lips once more, Merlin was on the brink of death when a pair of strong phantom arms formed around his body and pulled him quickly to the surface where Merlin gasped for air. His limbs kept him afloat as he twisted around to find who had prevented him from committing suicide, but there was no one. 

Deciding that he didn’t want to spend another second in the lake, he found his way back to the shore, still shaken up about the experience and collapsed against the land, his body completely exhausted from the experience. 

His eyes falling closed, the sound of his breath rasping in and out, soothing him as he re encountered what just happened, he focused on the hands that pulled him to the surface, knowing now that it had not happened of ordinary means. The feel of the hands as they pulled him to the surface had felt so protective around his body, so familiar to him; his only conclusion was that they were of Arthur’s, telling him that he shouldn’t give up, his day will come when he will return. He felt so ashamed of his actions, a whole new level of self-hatred welled up in his body as he realized he almost abandoned his King. 

It was now clear to him that Arthur’s time had not come to pass, but one thing was certain: he will come again, and Merlin needed to be there when he did.

Rising to his feet once more, his legs a little shaky as he glanced towards the lake for the final time that day, tears welling up in his eyes and falling down his frozen cheeks, “I’m sorry, Arthur.” And he walked back to his little cottage not far from the lake. Though his loyalty for Arthur saving his life that day reaffirmed his nearly crushed spirit, Merlin had not forgotten what happened previous to that. He was given optimism and it was smashed the moment it dawned on him that Arthur wasn’t there with him, that he really didn’t hear his voice. Even to the strongest of men that is fatal and deadly, but to Merlin it made him cold and untrusting to anyone. 

And with time, it only got worse.

 

~*~*~

 

Over the next eight hundred or so years, Merlin continued his steady decline in mental health. The man who previously was friendly and cared for all rarely made an effort to leave the vicinity of Lake Avalon. The only human contact he maintained were the young children around the nearby villages who thought the area around the little cottage was haunted. Merlin had charmed the cottage to look nonexistent, but the feeling of something being there was always relevant. Stories of a witch hiding behind mangled trees, looking for unsuspecting boys and girls was the story Merlin last heard from two girls on a date one night, their hands clasped together and their voices quiet and excited. 

Merlin hated them. 

Worse yet, Merlin’s optimism on life had been all but depleted. There wasn’t a year that went by where the man hadn’t tried to end his life, if only to have Arthur’s presence deny him the sweet release of death. He knew it was Arthur who saved him, because he never knew of Merlin’s immortality, and the man would never want to see Merlin dead. It was just too hard. Nothing had meaning, he was alone. 

Eventually, his attempts became a recurring act. He became more reckless, testing his ability to live. He broke bones, slashed at his skin, nearly drowned countless times, all so that he could feel Arthur again; to feel somewhat alive. He couldn’t remember Arthur’s beautiful face anymore, but to feel the phantom presence, even if they’re not real, is the only thing Merlin lived for, ironically enough. It was what pushed him to do it repeatedly.

Merlin’s addiction grew worse, and he found himself standing on the edge of Lake Avalon once again. He loved drowning the most because it was where he felt Arthur’s presence the most. The arms were stronger there, more physical. He had stood in the same location not even two days earlier, but he had returned, his mind compulsively needing Arthur. 

He took a step into the water which was warming after the long winter, his feet being sucked into the mud with every step, like it was welcoming him in like an old friend. It was when he heard the voice, “ _ Mer _ lin.” It was said plainly and surely, and it stopped the man in his tracks. He hadn’t been called by his real name in hundreds of years, and it sounded foreign to his ears, but the way the voice said it,  _ his _ voice, sent chills down Merlin’s back. He wanted to turn around, so he could see Arthur there, but he couldn’t let himself think like that again. His mind had played too many tricks on him and he knew now that he had surely gone mad. 

He braced himself and continued to walk further into the lake. 

He heard feet shuffling after him, feet that were unsteady, and then the sloshing of someone entering the water with him. Merlin carried on with more force, nearly at a running pace but he was soon tackled by a hard mass from behind, causing the man to yell out in frustration. 

“ _ Mer _ lin!” The man repeated, forcing Merlin to look at the intruder and his world collapsed when he saw the man in front of him. 

The man he saw had to be Arthur, at least, he  _ thought _ it was Arthur. The hair he saw in front of him was damp from the water, but it was still more golden than how he remembered. And the eyes, how could eyes be so  _ blue _ ?

“No…” Merlin whispered, his eyes terrified and stubborn, “You’re not real!” Merlin screamed, trying to push away from Arthur’s hold. 

“Wha…?” Arthur responded as he held fast to Merlin’s shaking form, “Merlin, it’s me. I swear.”

Arthur’s voice sent a shiver of euphoria throughout Merlin, but it was too good to be true. After a thousand plus years, why would Merlin get lucky now? His voice was breaking as a constant stream of tears fell down his cheeks, “You left. Everyone left. You… you can’t be real.” He sobbed, and Arthur pulled him against his chest. 

“I’m real, love. Please believe me. I’m here, I’m here for you.” Arthur attempted to pull Merlin closer to his body so that he could prove that he was real, that he wasn’t an allusion, but Merlin refused to listen to his body and the basic instinct that told him Arthur was truly there. He had lived too long of a life to believe there was any good in this world anymore. It all had died along with Arthur, just as Merlin had. 

Merlin let out a shriek and ripped himself away from Arthur’s embrace, the waters of Lake Avalon rippling and sloshes from his movements, “No! Can’t you see I’ve lost enough already without you trying to trick me! You have  _ NO _ right to do this to me now! I lost everything when he died.” His tears were running freely down his cheeks and into his growing out black stubble, “It’s… it’s why I have to get back to him. It’s been too long. I…” his face twisted into an incomprehensible pinch of devastation, “I had forgotten what he looked like. What he sounded like.”

Arthur swallowed hard and blinked away tears before walking slowly towards Merlin, further into the lake, “Is there any way I can convince you I’m real?” He asked, his voice ever calm and sure.

Merlin flinched as if he had been burned and Arthur stopped in his tracks, his body less than an arm’s width away as Merlin shook his head no. “It’s been over a thousand years.” Merlin whispered.

Arthur nodded, “I know.” He whispered, his voice hoarse as a new wave of tears began to shed, “I was there, waiting.” He pointed to the small island with the ruined tower, a place Merlin had never been able to reach no matter how hard he had tried. “I stood on that beach, and watched as the world forged on around you. I was there the years you were gone, the years you never left. For all of it. I tried so hard to get back to you. I saw what my death had done to you, and it was like my world around me had shattered. I never meant to do you any harm, Merlin.” Arthur began to openly sob, his body wracked with emotions, “Please, you have to believe me. I can’t have you attempt to end your life again. I’m here now. I’m here to protect you.”

Merlin stayed still for a moment before meeting Arthur in the middle. He lifted his hand slowly and placed it on Arthur’s bicep over the armour, “If you’re really Arthur, tell me one thing.”

“Of course.” Arthur nodded eagerly.

“Before you died, you were planning something, something you never told me. But you said that it could mean we would be together. What was it?”

Arthur’s lips twitched into a soft smile despite the tears continuing to fall, “I made a deal with the Disir.” He said, “The night we went to speak with them about Mordred, after you said there was no place for magic in Camelot, I went back to them and I told them of my desires to be with you and only you.” 

Merlin’s eyes widened in shock, showing a hint of life that they hadn’t possessed in so many years. “They told me of a time when we could be together, and I had to sacrifice myself to do it. I didn’t know what it meant, but I was desperate to show you that you’re the only person I love, the only man I will only love. This world that we live in now, it’s scary and I don’t understand it. But this is  _ our _ time. We are free to be together without shame for who we are!” Arthur’s face was enigmatic, and it caused Merlin to actually smile.

Arthur was truly back.

“Kilgharrah said you’d return when Albion’s need was greatest.” Merlin whispered, his eyes looking deep into Arthur’s, “Albion’s gone, and the world is no worse than before. I always assumed it meant Albion’s peril.” 

Arthur lifted his hand and cupped Merlin’s face, “Can’t you see, Merlin?” Arthur asked, “I may have been King of Camelot, I may have wanted to unite the kingdoms together. But you, you are my Albion.” 

Merlin closed his eyes and breathed slowly, letting the information overwhelm him in the best way possible. Arthur, his Arthur, was back. Arthur closed the gap and melted their bodies together in a tight embrace, their faces pressed tightly against the other, feeling the fresh tears as they continued to fall. “I’m here.” Arthur continued to repeat, “I love you, Merlin. So much.”

“Arthur…” Merlin sobbed as he clung desperately to Arthur’s frame, letting the realness of his body ground him. “Arthur.” He spoke again, the name and happy tone unused on his lips. “You’re here!”

Arthur pulled Merlin’s face away just enough so that they could press their lips together, each one needing it more than the other could comprehend. It was everything Merlin had forgotten about life. The beating of two hearts as desire and devotion for the other played out, the thrill of being alive suddenly existing again. Of wanting to  _ live _ .

They pulled away from the other and stared in pure euphoria, “Merlin,” Arthur spoke, “What you had to endure because of me, I could never begin to comprehend the years of loneliness and depression…”

“It was all for you, Arthur. Everything I do is for you.”

Arthur smiled and nodded, “Is this a terrible time to ask you again to be my husband?” He asked shyly, his hands preoccupied with roaming Merlin’s body almost without thought. As if it was the most natural thing in the world. “Please, Merlin? Will you?”

The smile that broke out onto Merlin’s face was one that hadn’t been seen since Arthur’s passing. A new wave of tears flowed from Merlin’s blue eyes but they were accompanied by more kisses for Arthur, “Yes! Yes of course I will!” He exclaimed after each kiss. 

Arthur let out a yelp of joy and twirled Merlin in the waters of Lake Avalon. “Of course, it might be difficult to prove that I am an actual person, but…”

Merlin silenced him by tossing him onto his back in the water, making a large splash. Before Arthur had a chance to respond Merlin as on top of him and busied himself with placing kisses on Arthur’s lips, the king never seeming to mind. “Not now.” Merlin muttered in between each kiss, “We’ll just worry about us.”

Arthur joined Merlin in his kisses enthusiastically, taking off his barrier of an armour, no longer feeling so restricted from Merlin’s body, “As you wish.” He responded, pulling up Merlin’s shirt with expert fingers.

Merlin aided Arthur with his task, “Only us. From now on.”

Their torsos bare, the two continued to deepen their kisses, revelling in the feel of the other’s tongues meeting the other. 

“ _ Forever _ .”

And so it was. And so it is. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WE DID IT! Honestly, thank you so much to everyone who has taken the time out of their lives to read this little story of mine. It has been with me through the best and worst of me, and I cannot thank you all for supporting me. I hope you loved reading it as much as I loved writing it. My Dear Sweet Nothing is complete! Please let me know what you thought of it, I will be eagerly awaiting for the comments! Again, thank you for reading. It means the world to me. xo, twentythreefandoms

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave a comment and let me know how you like it! :) Be sure to follow me on Tumblr (same URL) for any updates or questions!


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